I'm doing really bad...
This is my precious Ellie. My bestest girl. My shotgun rider. My sweet Ellie Maye. I've had her almost half my life, 15 years. I lost her this past Jan 14th. She has been paralyzed the last 3 years due to horrible bridging spondylosis, but the end came because of mast cell cancer. She had a baseball sized tumor on her neck, and it had spread internally to her spleen. Surgical removal and palladia and prednisone were all in vain. I miss her dearly. She's been my sole reason for existence for so long. To say I am lost and devastated is an understatement. To think that I will never again get to hold her sweet face and kiss her forehead, or pet her beautiful red curly hair, or have her give me gentle kisses on my cheek, it's too much to bear. I miss her so bad, it hurts so much. Oh my god it hurts so much.
I've been so lost. On my days off when my husband has to work, me and his dog just sit on the couch and stare into space or sleep. His dog Shanks (after red haired shanks from one piece) has been sad too. He's always had his auntie Ellie. He's 7 but still has lots of play. He was devastated when Ellie became paralyzed and could no longer play.
Well I mistakenly made the decision that for Shanks wellbeing that I needed to get another dog. My heart isn't ready, but I thought it would be in his best interest to have a friend and playmate. We rescued a deaf, double merle, australian shepard puppy 2 days ago. She's absolutely precious and sweet, and Shanks has loved playing with her. I haven't seen him this active in a long time.
Now please don't hate me and think poorly of me, but I regret getting her so much. I asked my husband if we could tell the rescue that we would rather foster her until she found new parents but he got very upset with me. I'm just so overwhelmed. It's all just too much. I was already struggling really bad before I lost Ellie. Then the pain of loosing her, I haven't hardly slept. I got covid a few days ago so I've been sleeping on the couch so I don't make my husband sick. This puppy requires a bit extra due to being deaf and some emotional trauma so shes kept me up most every night. I feel so bad right now, inside and out, and I'm just so tired. I feel like I am perpetually tired. This puppy is so sweet and precious and I want her to have the happy, healthy life she deserves, but I just don't feel like I have it in me to do so. I actually told my husband that but he said he would do it all, but now that just makes me feel even worse about it. I know I'm terrible for feeling this way. I'm not a monster, of course I show her love and snuggles when she asks, but I'm just so tired and overwhelmed. I love the little girl, but I don't
love her the way i did my Ellie, and I feel like such a horrible person for it. I'm just so tired and overwhelmed. Everything is just too much right now and I feel like I'm really loosing it. I wish so badly I could just end everything right now, I want this all to be over. But I can't do that to my husband, for some reason the man loves me, so I'm obligated to stay.
Sorry to rant so much. I'm just really not ok right now. Please don't hate me everyone.
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