People don't actually understand JUST HOW MUCH I want to die.

[ChildrensITV]

People in my life who I vent to, think I am just an annoying coward who will never CTB. I see me talking about it as preparing them. I want them to get used to the idea so it is not a shock. Also, in part, they are right. I am a coward cuz I don't want to hurt them.

But they have no idea just how much I want to die. They think it's something that passes through my mind for a moment every so often. They have no fucking clue that is the background thought to my mind every waking moment. They have no idea that I look forward to being dead all the time.

 

[Ovid]

I understand. I also understand wanting to go through with it just to show them how serious I was.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In part, maybe they can't handle the worry. If they genuinely care about you and they acknowledge that you are always thinking about suicide then, they would need to constantly be worrying about you. I just don't think we can sustain that in a way.

Have you say, known a family member was very ill and, you just worry about them all the time? It's a sickening feeling after a while. It can become too much to cope with. Especially when life goes on for you- you still have to perform your role at work etc. I think sometimes, we just start to shut things out in order to be able to cope with them.

 

[ChildrensITV]

I understand. I also understand wanting to go through with it just to show them how serious I was.

Yeah. That's a weird feeling. Like I want them to know how much I was suffering. It's like "they're not taking my distress seriously cuz I haven't ended myself". Not like I need their pity or validation. It's more like, I feel like, they don't know how tough it is for me to keep going - just so that they won't have to cry at my funeral.

In part, maybe they can't handle the worry. If they genuinely care about you and they acknowledge that you are always thinking about suicide then, they would need to constantly be worrying about you. I just don't think we can sustain that in a way.

Have you say, known a family member was very ill and, you just worry about them all the time? It's a sickening feeling after a while. It can become too much to cope with. Especially when life goes on for you- you still have to perform your role at work etc. I think sometimes, we just start to shut things out in order to be able to cope with them.

That is a very useful comment. Thanks.