Discussion Peculiar behavior during childhood

[Pvnie]

Just wna see if anyone else relates, and like I'm not talking about like autism or nothing which 60 percent of us probably have. Like I'm talking some crazy shit that should have had you locked up from the start as a young chap.


I remember like in elementary school doing some disturbing shit to other kids, some things I will not get into here out of embarrassment, but I liked hurting other kids sometimes, and like kicking their toys and shit and being an asshole. I actually got thrown into the special needs program because of that and my inability to focus, I also remember some chick dying in my class and like the whole school got told about it, they put flowers under her desk and in her little drawl thingy, and like I remember wanting to fuck up the bitches little desk thing and like when I heard about her death I chuckled and got scorned out by the teacher.

I also remember before then I think I used to be that kid who would disrupt class nonstop, I'd be farting loudly during reading time, trying to hum and be discreet about it. I remember I even had a buddy who would help me with it, he was a fucking idiot, like he just wanted to do shit that got him caught instantly like he didn't want to cause any chaos and I remember teaching him a bit on how to disrupt the class my way. I remember one time we were both in time out and I broke a pencil I had in my pocket with my teeth, and I looked at him and I threw the pencil across the classroom when the teacher wasn't looking and we had a trust moment, we just said that we didn't know who did it and the teacher stopped pressing us.


The ladder incidents were more pretty in nature but its just that like, how I enjoyed sowing chaos and fucking with everything around me, I don't remember many times of me hurting people clearly, but I remember like if I had the opportunity to do something insane, I would. Some chick like hit me and I waited for her to sit on the slide so I could grab her foot and ankle and just twist and break her ankle I ain't give a shit.


I dunno when this behavior stopped, but I think it was after I got kicked outta school for beating some kid up who was mean to me and just like getting punished at home and shit not being able to play the Wii or Xbox 360. A little bit of it continued in highschool but it was more so like irony and like testing the waters, no one really wanted to fuck with me but they also looked down on me and my nonsense, plus I had a bad rep from some stupid shit that previous summer before the year started.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Sounds like a case of Conduct Disorder. Ever looked into that?

 

[Hvergelmir]

I dunno when this behavior stopped...

Did it stop because of changing values, or simple self-preservation?

 

[Pvnie]

Did it stop because of changing values, or simple self-preservation?

probably a bit of both, I still get urges to do weird shit and run simulations in my head. I also have trouble interacting with people in a normal manner. I'd go into more details about things i've done recently but I don't feel like it, plus I'd be ashamed.

 

[cigaretteinthesnow]

I relate!!! i used 2 tie nooses during class (i was probably 11 and younger) and dangle them in front of people xD no clue where i learned it from but i just did. i also used to chase people around with scissors and threaten them, but afaik no one ever got injured thankfully!!!

 

[maki]

i remember when i was in kindergarten id ask the other kids if they had a knife so i could kill myself with it. i eventually got pulled aside by a teacher and i froze up and couldnt answer why i was like that. in hindsight i was so cringy and embrassing ;;

 

[Smiles & Giggles]

I have a deficit in empathy for beings who I perceive as "other". In elementary school, this manifested as me beating up other children practically every single day and sometimes killing/wanting to kill animals. I remember being placed in special classes, in and out of school, and being prescribed medication. I also just refused to do any work that I did not feel like completing until fourth grade. I'm sure that my ability to empathize would be different had I been socially conditioned differently. Although I'm not sure by how much.

 

[Pvnie]

i remember when i was in kindergarten id ask the other kids if they had a knife so i could kill myself with it. i eventually got pulled aside by a teacher and i froze up and couldnt answer why i was like that. in hindsight i was so cringy and embrassing ;;

I cringe when also reminiscing about my past actions. And nowadays when I do peculiar things I don't know why I did it, if I have a complex and or I just want to be edgy or whatever or what. It was so bad they wanted to get me some kinda behavioral check to see what was wrong with me which my mother denied and they tried to see if I was retarded, but somehow I was one of the smartest kids in my class.

It got even worse in HS, everything I had done even outside of and before school (and some things I hadn't done at all which is another story, but we know how normies are) came back to haunt me, they found some personal ig account, surmised that I was disturbed, and then tried to give me permissions to leave class early because teachers said I was easily overwhelmed when I just didn't wanna do my work, and they had some lady secretly follow me around to all my classes and write notes about me, saying I couldn't stand still for 15 seconds? Which I probably couldn't due to the chairs being uncomfy.


Anyways I feel like a diagnosis of some kind would have really helped me out and I could have received proper medical care or therapy. It's to late now to get an easy diagnosis now due to me being a young adult now and they'd probably think I was faking it and just wanting to hear something to validate some kind of complex, and or just give me some bullshit excuse and send me on my way. Either that or lock me up in a mental institution due to my violent and suicidal thoughts and take away my gun rights.

 

[hurts2b]

Disclaimer that it depends on where you live and how schools in your area were run but if you're interested you might be able access your old records from those special ed classes. You might not find anything substantial but reading about what you did from the teacher's (adult) perspective might help you better understand what happened and the potential reasons why you did what you did.

 

[FoxSauce]

Scared of earthquakes drills and stunami drill cuz I thought they were real. Not being able to be in a public places cuz I thought I was gonna die.


Tons of nightmares, wetting the bed as a kid.

 

[3rdworldsadness]

In my childhood, I was extremely neglected. I remember nobody wanted to be my friend because I didn't understand anything as I didn't understand any concept of friends too. I only knew how to survive. I would used to play totally alone, talk with myself still I does it's the only moment I talk without being highly judged and getting hurt. I used to hide myself and going places I didn't know and people will look at me with distant glare and pityness. I was put in hell by birth that I'm still burning.

I feel the same distant, distorted version of me, I looked at most of the things with childish amusement, still I does. my childhood was rough. I saw people in slums they were in so much pain. I was extremely terrified, neglected and wanted to feel safe. Still I feel the same but the slum here is no more thats a good thing. But I still live in a condition that isn't stable either. Most of my memories of childhood is deleted I guess as I can't remember them but some hurtful events and people I remember that still gives me immense trauma. For behaviour, as a child I was non reactive and searched for comfort as I didn't get. I don't want to remember my childhood. It was terrifying in a way.