tobby rabbit
it's easier to die and I'm lazy
- Jul 6, 2023
- 35
Bruh, i've just blacked out in the bathtub.
I was sitting there and SHing with my razor blade then I realized my head was going round and round, I couldn't hear anything. As it wasn't the first time I knew I was gonna fall so the only thing I was worried about is the fact that my family will find me almost naked and covered in blood without consciousness. (I'm visiting my grandparents with my sister rn). I didn't really understand anything but I hid all evidence of cutting myself.
After that I tried to leave the bathroom but I think I feel for the first time and found myself not feeling my arms and legs but somehow I managed to get up and tried to go back to my room and then I fell again, this time my grandma found me laying on the ground. I've heard she was calling me but I could not get up and then my sister came.
That was one of the most embarrassing situations ever, I didn't want my grandparents to go through MY problems that I can't even explain.
I didn't eat for like 4 days and was cutting myself in a very hot bathroom so that's why I passed out.
I really can't say what is going on, it seems like my life is getting less problematic and better but I still have no will to live. I feel guilty because of that. Now my chin hurts really bad and it has a big bruise on it. I just wish I'd fall to my death. My sister talked to me and kinda forced me to eat but I feel better now, Idk how am I going to explain what happened today to my grandparents.
Please tell me I'm not the only one that is still suicidal even though the things are much better.
For a second there I thought I was scared but then I had a sudden realisation that I really liked the fact that I didn't exist for a moment, I didn't feel anything, if death feels like that I'm not wrong that it is the only way for me to go. I wish I could just ctb peacefully, I know I'm egoistic, I don't care what will happen after I die, I just hope people will move on really quickly from that. I'm going on a new job this summer (hopefully) to earn some money on SN. Will work hard on that.
I was sitting there and SHing with my razor blade then I realized my head was going round and round, I couldn't hear anything. As it wasn't the first time I knew I was gonna fall so the only thing I was worried about is the fact that my family will find me almost naked and covered in blood without consciousness. (I'm visiting my grandparents with my sister rn). I didn't really understand anything but I hid all evidence of cutting myself.
After that I tried to leave the bathroom but I think I feel for the first time and found myself not feeling my arms and legs but somehow I managed to get up and tried to go back to my room and then I fell again, this time my grandma found me laying on the ground. I've heard she was calling me but I could not get up and then my sister came.
That was one of the most embarrassing situations ever, I didn't want my grandparents to go through MY problems that I can't even explain.
I didn't eat for like 4 days and was cutting myself in a very hot bathroom so that's why I passed out.
I really can't say what is going on, it seems like my life is getting less problematic and better but I still have no will to live. I feel guilty because of that. Now my chin hurts really bad and it has a big bruise on it. I just wish I'd fall to my death. My sister talked to me and kinda forced me to eat but I feel better now, Idk how am I going to explain what happened today to my grandparents.
Please tell me I'm not the only one that is still suicidal even though the things are much better.
For a second there I thought I was scared but then I had a sudden realisation that I really liked the fact that I didn't exist for a moment, I didn't feel anything, if death feels like that I'm not wrong that it is the only way for me to go. I wish I could just ctb peacefully, I know I'm egoistic, I don't care what will happen after I die, I just hope people will move on really quickly from that. I'm going on a new job this summer (hopefully) to earn some money on SN. Will work hard on that.
