Help Overcoming Fears

[CelestialSky]

I have been back and forth on different methods, but I will have an empty house soon so I've been really thinking about partial hanging. After a long time, I finally discovered my sweet spot (just using my hands, and pushing neck forward, it made it quite easy in the end). I've practiced using all my weight on my set up (doorknob & bathrobe belt) and it should work. I'm 5"6 and 150lb and as it's partial it definitely seems strong enough. I haven't tried testing the setup WITH the sweet spot - before I discovered it, I just kept getting the head pumping thing, but now I know where to apply the pressure.

However I just CAN'T seem to allow myself to pass out - even with just my hands! I keep getting freaked because the sensation makes me feel weird. I have a huge anxiety problem (one of my main reasons for wanting to ctb, as I can barely leave my house now), especially with health anxiety so any bodily discomfort scares me. Yes, I know that ctb requires bodily discomfort so it feels like a catch 22. I can't stay alive, yet I can't even be brave enough to die either. I just wish there was a tablet to take that would make you die in your sleep (I can't get N sadly, it's too expensive). I hate being such a bloody coward. I also don't think it's SI because I do truly want to die, and it's not like I've tried my setup with the carotid compression & my body stops me - it's like I can't even allow myself to pass out cause I'm scared of the sensation. I just keep chickening out because I'm afraid and a coward. Any ideas on how to overcome this?

I have access to benzos (low dose though), and obviously I could try alcohol. Has anyone any experience with this?

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Hey, I can relate a lot to this. Can't stay, afraid to go...for me it's because of trauma, but I think if I can get myself through the seconds it takes to pass out (using night night method) that everything is good. That's the big hurdle. So I'm trying to figure out how to ease myself into it. So far practicing squeezing my carotids and feeling how good it feels and releasing before I pass out, just getting used to it so I don't panic, seems to be helping. I have several types of prescribed meds I'm saving up to take along with a bit of alcohol once I have the ratchet and bags securely strapped to my neck.

 

[Robbyna]

I can only commiserate with you as I am in the same position. Wanting to die, but too afraid. My current hope is that one day the fear will subside and that will be the right day for me. At the moment I am not dwelling on thoughts of being a coward and instead and saying when it's time I'll be ready.

 

[PatKat]

I will say be careful, when I passed out it wasnt the pressure they made me unconscious it was releasing the pressure. If you cut off the artery, and then release the pressure you will passout. Be very careful that is why it states "Only do this if you are 100% sure". Even if you change your mind midway that sudden release of pressure will knock you out.

 

[CelestialSky]

Thanks for these replies everyone. It helps to know I'm not alone in my fears. It's a horrible, trapped feeling - wishing to die but feeling unable. I will keep practising just with my hands, and hopefully get used to the sensation. And yes, @PatKat don't worry, I watched that video of them practising on that woman using the siphon technique, definitely will be careful. Right now, I'm trying to just get used to the feeling of passing out without it scaring me (using just my hands).

 

[PatKat]

Thanks for these replies everyone. It helps to know I'm not alone in my fears. It's a horrible, trapped feeling - wishing to die but feeling unable. I will keep practising just with my hands, and hopefully get used to the sensation. And yes, @PatKat don't worry, I watched that video of them practising on that woman using the siphon technique, definitely will be careful. Right now, I'm trying to just get used to the feeling of passing out without it scaring me (using just my hands).

Your do not want to do something irreversible. If you must have someone present while you are trying this out or set the knot not to hold your partially suspended weight when trying. Remember if you mess up it is over. :(