CeaseExist
Legio Lapsa
- Feb 20, 2025
- 61
Hello guys, it's me, deranged fuck
I am sitting right now, in front of my computer, at night, when I should have been asleep few hours back since I've got morning shift in about three hours from now, but I couldn't sleep really. How can I? Not when I got another cycle of resurfacing feelings about stuff I packed deep within me neatly, so deep that it's verging on impossible for me to consciously unpack it when I sort of have the tools to handle it without breaking into pieces.
I watched some video on some abuser getting arrested for beating a kid, I watched it and just wandered around my desolate mindscape and how great humans are, how great they are at creating sickening social dynamics, coping mechanisms, justification for what they are doing and most of all, hiding even from themselves the fact that they know, not deep down, no, they know immediately, that what they are doing is wrong.
One time somebody told me that my hatred for humanity was uncalled for, that it wasn't healthy and that I didn't have a right to be angry at all the humans - got it? A person, that at most got into a sour squabble with someone close to them, telling me, some unhinged, mentally unwell, probably sociopathic fuck that got brought up in literal hell, telling me that just because some people did good, they are all redeemable.
I scoff at the idea truly, some time back I thought about it, and kinda rejected my feelings based on that rhetoric, that because there are some good people out there, or that it's not all that simple I shouldn't really feel that way, shouldn't push away people, shouldn't tell them to fuck off and do a flip, but lately I've just started coming to a conclusion that no, not really, it doesn't redeem anyone else than the people who do the good, who are good, the rest? Until they put themselves somewhere there, in either good or bad, they are pretty worthless stains on this beautiful planet - at least, to me, kind of.
I was thinking and dwelling on this hatred of mine for a pretty long time, and just looking back at everything I got through, the memories that shaped me for who I am are as sharp as if they happened yesterday, all the intense feelings I never got to feel, just to survive, manifesting in the only way I can handle without breaking down - hatred. All the violence, all the manipulation, all the disappointments, all the times where my spark for living got extinguished again and again and again - I will probably never work through it all, I will probably spend all my life wondering about it, thinking on it, and trying to make myself into something I could live with, to take myself some place where I could at least salvage what has remained.
Another thing is, that I don't think I will ever let someone take this hatred away from me, to belittle it or make it seem like a bad thing, no, I thought about it and it's not that simple right? :)
this isn't a "I got abused so now I hate! hmph!" this hatred is
I endured, many times
I suffered through countless moments
I tried being the bigger person time and time again
I watched as nothing got fixed, I watched as everyone around me unraveled more and more
I screamed my lungs out while calling for help that never came, I screamed my lungs out to wake those around me only for them to look at me and vanish
I scraped, I writhed, I held myself together, I did everything I could to save myself when nobody else was willing to, when nobody else even acknowledged I had to be saved
I led myself through that hell, I picked all my broken parts, patched myself up again and again and again and again....
I watched as those who were supposed to protect me, were the ones that hurt me, were the ones that allowed it
I watched as people deemed civil, upstanding were taking pleasure in seeing me suffer, in neglecting and outright ignoring my toil
This isn't a simple "I hate" this is my whole life I am talking about...
I am sitting right now, in front of my computer, at night, when I should have been asleep few hours back since I've got morning shift in about three hours from now, but I couldn't sleep really. How can I? Not when I got another cycle of resurfacing feelings about stuff I packed deep within me neatly, so deep that it's verging on impossible for me to consciously unpack it when I sort of have the tools to handle it without breaking into pieces.
I watched some video on some abuser getting arrested for beating a kid, I watched it and just wandered around my desolate mindscape and how great humans are, how great they are at creating sickening social dynamics, coping mechanisms, justification for what they are doing and most of all, hiding even from themselves the fact that they know, not deep down, no, they know immediately, that what they are doing is wrong.
One time somebody told me that my hatred for humanity was uncalled for, that it wasn't healthy and that I didn't have a right to be angry at all the humans - got it? A person, that at most got into a sour squabble with someone close to them, telling me, some unhinged, mentally unwell, probably sociopathic fuck that got brought up in literal hell, telling me that just because some people did good, they are all redeemable.
I scoff at the idea truly, some time back I thought about it, and kinda rejected my feelings based on that rhetoric, that because there are some good people out there, or that it's not all that simple I shouldn't really feel that way, shouldn't push away people, shouldn't tell them to fuck off and do a flip, but lately I've just started coming to a conclusion that no, not really, it doesn't redeem anyone else than the people who do the good, who are good, the rest? Until they put themselves somewhere there, in either good or bad, they are pretty worthless stains on this beautiful planet - at least, to me, kind of.
I was thinking and dwelling on this hatred of mine for a pretty long time, and just looking back at everything I got through, the memories that shaped me for who I am are as sharp as if they happened yesterday, all the intense feelings I never got to feel, just to survive, manifesting in the only way I can handle without breaking down - hatred. All the violence, all the manipulation, all the disappointments, all the times where my spark for living got extinguished again and again and again - I will probably never work through it all, I will probably spend all my life wondering about it, thinking on it, and trying to make myself into something I could live with, to take myself some place where I could at least salvage what has remained.
Another thing is, that I don't think I will ever let someone take this hatred away from me, to belittle it or make it seem like a bad thing, no, I thought about it and it's not that simple right? :)
this isn't a "I got abused so now I hate! hmph!" this hatred is
I endured, many times
I suffered through countless moments
I tried being the bigger person time and time again
I watched as nothing got fixed, I watched as everyone around me unraveled more and more
I screamed my lungs out while calling for help that never came, I screamed my lungs out to wake those around me only for them to look at me and vanish
I scraped, I writhed, I held myself together, I did everything I could to save myself when nobody else was willing to, when nobody else even acknowledged I had to be saved
I led myself through that hell, I picked all my broken parts, patched myself up again and again and again and again....
I watched as those who were supposed to protect me, were the ones that hurt me, were the ones that allowed it
I watched as people deemed civil, upstanding were taking pleasure in seeing me suffer, in neglecting and outright ignoring my toil
This isn't a simple "I hate" this is my whole life I am talking about...
