Venting Opened up to a friend.

[luxio]

I recently opened up to a friend with their permission about my mental health struggles and trauma and I feel as though it damaged our relationship and it hurts. I am really suicidal for many reasons I have attempted multiple times in the past using SN and other methods then for a while I have not been Self harming for about 3 years and while still feeling suicidal often I wasn't completely hopeless feeling even though discouraged because I know my brain is always going to feel this way because the thoughts will always just re-appear since I do not have a properly balanced brain which I blame my trauma on and I have tried healing but it isn't working and I hurt every day. I tried to open up to a friend about this and it hurts more and just made it more painful because I feel as though they didn't really care and no one can care about me in a way that I care with the intensity I feel things all my emotions get intense. I feel as though I want to CTB because no matter what im going to always feel this way and I hate it but I don't want to leave my little nephews behind or people that care about me I am very adamant about being in peoples lives especially the kids in my family since I don't wan't them to feel alone ever like I had to be growing up. But at the same time my feelings are still there and I hate living with it every day and every second and its so stressful and I also feel like I should just end it while I have some friends so I can at least have people show up to my funeral because I don't want to go out being alone. Which will inevitably happen because I end up pushing everyone away or when I open up which I always ask permission to open up before I do it makes them uncomfortable or they just are not empathetic or hate me and it just sucks being alone and I try to always be there for everyone and I care deeply for everyone even those im not friends with and it hurts so much and I just wish my head could stay normal for just like give me a few weeks where I don't feel suicidal and I can handle it only being 1 week or a few days out of a month but instead its like non stop I have maybe a day or three at a time. I hate this and I wish people felt more empathetic but at the same time I can't blame anyone because we are adults and everyone has so much shit so when its found out I have shit that is more than their shit I can understand I guess why people would wan't distance because its a lot to add on to their issues and I hate it and just wish I didn't have so much pain in my head. I wish also that if I were to CTB my little nephews wouldn't care because I don't want to hurt them or anyone but I know how much they care about me as their aunt and ask me to hangout with them all the time and I just don't want to inflict any trauma on them but then im stuck with my head hurting. But I wouldn't want to do something and then cause them to have these same feelings due to trauma or someone not being there for them and it's hard. Then I feel like the friend I opened up to is definitely judging and that hurts and I hate it. I hope i'm just over thinking but it does not feel that way at all.