Only living for another

[SleeplessDreamer]

I've been a lurker on here for a while now, though I wonder what you guys would think of my situation. I probably would have ctb a few years ago, but the thought of "Oh this person would feel so guilty I couldn't..." or "If I do it now I won't be able to make sure this person will turn out ok..." kept me around. Those people are all gone, the ones that really matter at least, except one... the worst culprit. They're one of the kindest people you could ever meet and genuinely cares, I'm even living with him now after getting effectively booted from my parents. They know all about what I'd like to do though they're pretty soft in that aspect and obviously gets really upset if I talk like that. Eventually I got hit with the "If you go I go too" and there's no chance they're bluffing... They love me and it's mutual, but I don't feel the same as my old relationships, I've got nothing left to give, I'm burnt out in every way shape and form, and I feel like I'm past my due date, living on borrowed time. I feel like I'm withering, I just wish I could hug them one last time, tell them they'll be ok and that I'll be happier now that I can finally sleep. I just want to rest, I want to dream of what could have been...

Sorry if this was worded weird, despite sleep I just constantly feel like I'm running on fumes, thanks for taking the time to read.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I relate to your situation a great deal. Although, the person I'm holding on for is my Dad. But, I relate in the way that I'm not who I was. So- there's not much they could even do to support me. So- it's staying here not because we feel well supportive and loved- and want to honour that. Even though I'm sure they would provide that if they could. It's more like being tethered here because we can't move beyond the guilt of what our suicide would do to them.

What's more unkind is, I also feel resentment towards my Dad- which I'm trying my best to conceal. That I was born to begin with, that my upbringing put me in danger and that he expects me to be normal and thrive. It's a complicated mixture of emotions and concealment.

I'm sorry you are suffering and in this difficult situation. On the one hand, we are lucky to have people who care for us I know. On the other though- it's hard to describe. I almost feel like my Dad loves the symbolic me or- the old me. I can only relate to that person partly now though. Enough to honour that relationship.

I often feel like people here have their foot in the door between life and death. It's hard to be really present in this life to even feel the benefit from those who care about us when we're not fully here in spirit. That's my experience of it anyway.

 

[StryngerX]

I feel like this to, if wasnt for my wife, i would have ctb a long time ago already, but things are getting on track, we're breaking up soon, already have talked to her, it will be hard for her at first, but im sure she will realise that its gonna be better without me after some time. Then im good to go.

 

[Katam]

There are multiple people who care about me (somehow), I am dropping out this summer and will try to get an aprenticeship so I can earn my own keep at some point and move away from everyone so I can be forgotten about wich makes it much easier for everyone, providing good value to the world.

 

[flatyeticorn]

Same boat. I am literally only here because of my spouse. I'm pretty sure he knows I want to ctb, but he has a lot of war ptsd and I'm sure this will put him over the edge.

 

[Sunset Limited]

I relate to your situation a great deal. Although, the person I'm holding on for is my Dad. But, I relate in the way that I'm not who I was. So- there's not much they could even do to support me. So- it's staying here not because we feel well supportive and loved- and want to honour that. Even though I'm sure they would provide that if they could. It's more like being tethered here because we can't move beyond the guilt of what our suicide would do to them.

What's more unkind is, I also feel resentment towards my Dad- which I'm trying my best to conceal. That I was born to begin with, that my upbringing put me in danger and that he expects me to be normal and thrive. It's a complicated mixture of emotions and concealment.

I'm sorry you are suffering and in this difficult situation. On the one hand, we are lucky to have people who care for us I know. On the other though- it's hard to describe. I almost feel like my Dad loves the symbolic me or- the old me. I can only relate to that person partly now though. Enough to honour that relationship.

I often feel like people here have their foot in the door between life and death. It's hard to be really present in this life to even feel the benefit from those who care about us when we're not fully here in spirit. That's my experience of it anyway.

I can't explain it any better! Thanks Forever Sleep.

SleeplessDreamer I really know what you feel. Last 10 years I am here only for my mom. Our last three years with her went like this: Emergency room> intensive care unit> ward> home but now it is over. Her left lung is not working. Right one capacity is 70%. She will die soon. Everyday I am going to see her. I can feel you. This is a very painful dilemma. I wish you all the best.

 

[SleeplessDreamer]

I relate to your situation a great deal. Although, the person I'm holding on for is my Dad. But, I relate in the way that I'm not who I was. So- there's not much they could even do to support me. So- it's staying here not because we feel well supportive and loved- and want to honour that. Even though I'm sure they would provide that if they could. It's more like being tethered here because we can't move beyond the guilt of what our suicide would do to them.

What's more unkind is, I also feel resentment towards my Dad- which I'm trying my best to conceal. That I was born to begin with, that my upbringing put me in danger and that he expects me to be normal and thrive. It's a complicated mixture of emotions and concealment.

I'm sorry you are suffering and in this difficult situation. On the one hand, we are lucky to have people who care for us I know. On the other though- it's hard to describe. I almost feel like my Dad loves the symbolic me or- the old me. I can only relate to that person partly now though. Enough to honour that relationship.

I often feel like people here have their foot in the door between life and death. It's hard to be really present in this life to even feel the benefit from those who care about us when we're not fully here in spirit. That's my experience of it anyway.

Yeah bingo, I know what you mean with the resentment, but the most I can feel is just annoyance. I couldn't bring myself to resent someone that tries their hardest to love what's left, especially when they didn't even have the chance to when I was all there since they were just coming into my life as it fell apart. They still see the best side of us, the side that a lot of people here just think is long gone. With very, very few exceptions I think anyone could have their redemption if it's really fought for, it's just that how hard and long of a fight that'd be, it's different for everyone. For some people it's just not worth it, like recovering but having to live with a crazy medical condition for the rest of your life, or some think they're just too far gone or don't deserve it and even if they manage it they've gotta live with the guilt. Or some are just tired, life ran it's course.

I can't explain it any better! Thanks Forever Sleep.

SleeplessDreamer I really know what you feel. Last 10 years I am here only for my mom. Our last three years with her went like this: Emergency room> intensive care unit> ward> home but now it is over. Her left lung is not working. Right one capacity is 70%. She will die soon. Everyday I am going to see her. I can feel you. This is a very painful dilemma. I wish you all the best.

That's awful man I'm so sorry, the same to you. That's another thing too though, something common I see with people in my position is that a lot of the time the people keeping us here are in a worse situation than us. I'm only 18, probably going to go into one of the most stable fields (Tech, with the exception of AI fucking us in the ass) and the only physical thing wrong with me being VERY high functioning epilepsy (To the point of I could be standing, holding a drink mid seizure and 90% of people wouldn't even realize until I tell them). Meanwhile my friend is a struggling tattoo artist, though finally it's starting to pick up, got POTS from covid that is very overdue to go away, PCOS, some fucked up joints and got dealt shitty genes in general. Yet still as happy as can be. It's funny how a person can be both a beacon and an anchor at the same time. Sure we've had some different stuff fuck us up in out past, but what right do I have to give up when they haven't? I guess if I look at it that way it can give me a little bit more hope.

Thanks for your time everyone <3