I tried to ctb exactly one year ago on New Year's Eve. My thought process was that since it was new year's, a lot of people would be getting drunk and hurt and needing to go to the ER, so if I ended up failing my attempt and going to the ER, I would be less likely to get saved. I had spent 40 hours researching my method and had prepared a super detailed plan. Alas, I hadn't known about the SS forum so I didn't know how bad my method was and how much better it could have been. I failed miserably because I got an anxiety attack and couldn't finish going through with my attempt. Prolifers like to paint the image that suicide attempt survivors regret their attempts and get better. That has absolutely not been the case for me. I resent myself deeply for still being alive. I was supposed to be dead many many years ago. I am sick and tired of how every single year without fail, I am always like "this will be my last Christmas," "this will be my last birthday," etc. only to keep staying alive because I am just a pathetic coward who can't ctb properly. I am so desperate that I think I will just need to get benzos off the dark web in hopes they may reduce my anxiety enough to let me finally take the plunge and ctb properly with SN. I hate being alive and just want out. I have absolutely no fucking clue why pro-lifers say "it gets better." It does not! In the time since I tried to ctb, things have only gotten worse for me. I am so tired of this existence and hope I can get out someday. The one good thing that happened to me this year though is that I found you guys 
