Venting on the complexity of pain, if it ever stopped would you still be you?

[dospi1]

Ive been thinking about the source of my suffering and had this strange epiphany, i dont really remember a time before the pain in my mind, i remeber that at sometime it was better but i really dont remeber feeling any better, all i remeber is the hollow in my chest and the efort to subdue it a bit day by day so i can be funcional. "god loves the sinner but hates the sin" i gues we all hate the pain but is it really detachable from us? from me? what would be left if by some miracle the hole in my chest filled and i dont fell any pain anymore? for so long every choise and habit has been made to keep it in check for a bit, but isnt that daming us/me to forever be bound to the pain that consumes my/your life, when everything spins arround it aint i feeding it? i would do anything for the pain to stop (hopefully ill ctb soon) but if it ever stop where do i stand? is that really so much better?

Im sorry for the rant i just couldnt get this out of my head lately, pls if got anytake on this say it to me so it will surely help me make peace whit this idea ill be reading everyone C:

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had this thought also. Is my pessimism, cynicism, melancholy, ideation a part of my character now? I've pretty much grown up with it since age 10. Would I even recognise myself without those things? I think I'd somehow feel fake. Or, I'd be constantly worried I would lose it all and revert back.

I think we can also become convinced that we see the world as it really is so- I'm not sure how you change that perspective when it feel like realism.