Venting I feel the worst i ever have

[Uwa]

I feel terrible. Mentally, not physically. I cant stop thinking about sh. It's been in my head all day and it won't go away. I'm so tired of these thoughts and I don't know if I'll be able to last like this

On top of that, i just feel lonely. I have friends, but it doesn't actually feel like im their friend. It just feels like i exist. The last person that made me feel wanted randomly stopped talking to me one day and I dont know what I did wrong. I keep screwing everything up and im so suck of myself. Im so disgusting and it's horrible. I dont want to be here anymore. I really dont. I just really want all of it to stop. I want to be normal for once. The thoughts are too much and I know im weak enough to give in. I wish I wasnt like this. I wish I was as happy as I act. Things would be so much easier. I want to vent to my friends but I know how it will end out. Ill end up driving them away. Im so tired. Im so so tired and I don't know what to do with myself. Im scared overall, scared of my thoughts and my own actions. I dont know what I did to deserve to feel like this, but I still wouldn't wish this pain on anyone else. Sometimes I think thats why I feel this way, because other people wouldn't be able to handle it. My purpose in life is to make others happy, and I wish someone could do that for me, I really do, but I dont deserve that. I haven't earned the right to be happy and I never will. I hope this isnt the end. I want to see the stars tomorrow and bask in their light, but I might end up becoming a star myself.

 

[MollerPlesset]

That was so beautiful. Sometimes I think the only blessing about our pain are the words we write. Its like I can see myself in every post, in every reflection. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I start recounting all the times I helped other people, my family, my friends, my wife, my previous co-workers, and now I feel so alone and I have no one to help me. I can't even ask help because they will get angry and blame it all on me.

I wish you the best and please keep writing.

 

[imperfectcircle]

This is incredibly real, and I can empathize with what you're going through. Feeling alone, wanting someone to care for you like you care them is heartbreaking. I wish I had advice for the sh thoughts, I can relate to that struggle. It's hard to do anything when your head is telling you to hurt yourself, that you deserve it. I'm sorry you're going through this, you're not alone in your feelings. I wish you the best

 

[Another Path]

I also feel like I can only give, but not receive.
What makes someone deserving of being made happy?
How did you lose this privilege in your own eyes?
Do you treat yourself like you treat others?

Perhaps you can try to gamify your sh thoughts (as strange as this sounds).
Try to catch yourself thinking about sh, greet the thought like an intruder, and tell them to leave your mind.
They are stubborn, but they don't like relentless directed attention.
They assault you when you don't look right at them, and lure you into the bog of sadness.

I wish you the best on your path! :)