Venting Older members, does it really get better?

[Snake of Eden]

my life ended at 18 it never got any better just progressively worse, just wish i'd killed my self at 18, basically went through all that suffering for fuck all nothing in the end

Same thing with me. It is funny how many people here regret not killing themselves exactly at their half age!

 

[LADY007]

Well stated. Some people languish like that for a decade! It is torture for them and torture for those of us who visit, feel guilty when we don't visit and wondering how they are being treated without us.

That point about memories is very valid and I forgot to mention that a male resident snuck into my mother's room hoping to have sex with her. Nurses came when she yelled.

 

[Seiba]

I think I had too. In fact, I should have died when I was about 1 or 2 weeks old. Apparently I was vomiting up a lot and it was discovered I couldn't hold anything down because my esophagus was blocked or sealed and I needed an emergency operation which left with me a scare across my stomach. Had I been born say, 100 years earlier, before modern technology, I would have likely died, perhaps as God, or the universe, or nature, had intended.

I also wish I had never been born. It is one of the many reasons why I have no desire for children. I envy my non-existent children precisely because they do not exist.

I actually had I think the same thing? I have a scar to the right above my belly button a bit, I couldn't digest food at all and was puking everything up. All of the doctors just said 'get a full tablespoon of juice and spill it out it looks like a lot but it's not" basically not believing there was an actual problem. My own father who had the same condition was a crack head who couldn't even be bothered to warn any doctors or think of it at all. Only actually survived because random chance of an uncle who had the same condition and told my mother of the possibility. By that point it was already a fifty percent chance of being dead because it took so long to to the point of surgery. I've had similar viewpoints as well, such as just being the baby that'd be left to the river or just passing away eventually of "unknown causes". The irony of it being so close statistically to being dead in pretty much any other time but still end up wanting to kill yourself is a bit of a novelty -- though it's not one that brings me any joy.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I'm 58 and first tried to CTB at 14. For me no it feels worse now than ever

As mentioned by someone else, this will greatly vary person to person.

I can only speak for myself and from my experiences and perspective. But this is my honest answer.

Thanks for these posts and the others I didn't quote. Its good to not be lied to for once.

As for me, I'm 30, my first extremely bad bout of depression was at 17. I wish I had comitted suicide then or any time since then. I've had little things that were interesting and enjoyable, specifically discovering new music that I like, and having some fun times with friends and family, but its all a drop in the bucket.

 

[subj]

Of course we are all different but in my case while I still often have suicide thoughts and have since I was 13 after being sexually abused and thinking of myself as useless and only here to be used in perverted ways and always to be taken advantage of. Overall i' feel the good outweighed the bad. I'm 78 now. I was lucky , I guess to be chickenshit and afraid to do it but can recall at one point wanting to put a rope around my neck and jump out a window. I had guns, thought of drowning etc, etc. I don't regret not having followed through because by staying I found a good job a reasonably happy marriage, two great kids, lots of fun friends and hobbies. to this day the thoughts still come (obviously that's why i'm here in this group) but there are a lot of things to enjoy. I have a shrink and have taken lots of different antidepressants qnd finally found one that works. It is Cymbalta. Aside from myself I have worked in nursing homes for many years and would kill myself if I ever have to go to one. However, there I have had the chance to talk with many residents about their lives and many have had some horrible shit. Holocaust survivors, long term mental illness, violence and abuse against them, rape, deaths of mny loved ones and deaths of their children. These surrvivors managed against all odds to find a way to go on. I guess if I had to summasrize it may not get totally better but there is a chance for some good stuff in staying. I had to struggle with alcohol and finally gave it up through AA where I learned to live in the moment not worry about the future or beat the shit out of myself. It is still difficult but there is a lot of stuff that has made it worth stayin.One thing that helps more than anything is that i'm a workaholic and if im focused on one thing or task other thoughts don't get in. It;s in downtime that the thoughts haunt me. I hope this helps.

 

[Kobusu]

Of course we are all different but in my case while I still often have suicide thoughts and have since I was 13 after being sexually abused and thinking of myself as useless and only here to be used in perverted ways and always to be taken advantage of. Overall i' feel the good outweighed the bad. I'm 78 now. I was lucky , I guess to be chickenshit and afraid to do it but can recall at one point wanting to put a rope around my neck and jump out a window. I had guns, thought of drowning etc, etc. I don't regret not having followed through because by staying I found a good job a reasonably happy marriage, two great kids, lots of fun friends and hobbies. to this day the thoughts still come (obviously that's why i'm here in this group) but there are a lot of things to enjoy. I have a shrink and have taken lots of different antidepressants qnd finally found one that works. It is Cymbalta. Aside from myself I have worked in nursing homes for many years and would kill myself if I ever have to go to one. However, there I have had the chance to talk with many residents about their lives and many have had some horrible shit. Holocaust survivors, long term mental illness, violence and abuse against them, rape, deaths of mny loved ones and deaths of their children. These surrvivors managed against all odds to find a way to go on. I guess if I had to summasrize it may not get totally better but there is a chance for some good stuff in staying. I had to struggle with alcohol and finally gave it up through AA where I learned to live in the moment not worry about the future or beat the shit out of myself. It is still difficult but there is a lot of stuff that has made it worth stayin.One thing that helps more than anything is that i'm a workaholic and if im focused on one thing or task other thoughts don't get in. It;s in downtime that the thoughts haunt me. I hope this helps.

Thank you for this, truly.

 

[subj]

Thank you for this, truly.

You are welcome

 

[Noctis]

I'm 37. For about 30 years, my life has been ups and downs. The downs are really bad, but some of the ups have been pretty good. While I'm in an up, it's easy to say it's worth it. But while I'm in a down, it's easy to say nothing has been worth it and there's no reason to stick around.

So, it depends on when you ask.

 

[GoPeaceful]

Im registered since 2018, a couple years earlier my suicidal thoughts started. Has it gotten better? Yes, at least for short periods of time. To be fair, I didn't do much to better my situation. I'm starting therapy in January to overcome my social anxiety. It's literally the last option I see for a better life, if the therapy fails, I can say: (at least for me) things didn't get better, and will not get better ever.

But I truly believe that some (unfortunately not all), can, if they really work on themselves, get therapy, medication etc. life a good life, a life every human being deserves.

 

[Niko66]

I am on a rather firm belief that many times it doesn't, my life has been mostly downhill even though I am only 25 every year is worse than the last. However you are bound to get biased responses, anyone here is likely to have wishes of CTB. For someone who gets better they might never look back to these places.

 

[Someone123]

I'm in my fifties and I know if I could give myself a five minutes of advice my life would have worked out just fine- this is probably true of a large majority of people in their twenties who are consdering ctb, in my opinion. I didn't know what to focus on to solve the key problems, I was too lost and aimless. The problem is that for each person the five minutes of advice would be different, though some parts would be the same. And if might be more like 15 minutes, I'm not exactly sure, but I do think five minutes would do it. When you are younger you have so much more opportunity to turn around financial and social things- so it can get better, but making the right steps when under 30 or 35 will make a big difference as to whether it will What I needed to focus on was finishing college and getting a decent paying career going no matter what- minimize hobbies or other side things, minimize work at dead end type jobs, and get on a good paying path in your twenties to early thirties. Also, I was terrified of marriage because of my poarnets horrible marriage, but for me getting marrieed to a nice girl would have been the other most important thing- but to do this after the career is going, though having a relationship in college is very important. In my situation, where I had some nice people around me and some very mean people around me who were pretending to be nice, assessing which people really cared and stciking with them and get away from the others was the other most important piece, as well as determinig which extended family members could help me with the stress at home. To treat depressions doctors use meds, hospitalization, and talking about your childhood, which rarely helps- the two biggest anti-depressants are financial stability and having good connections with other people.

 

[LADY007]

I can only speak for myself and from my experiences and perspective. But this is my honest answer.

I'm 52 now. When I was 26, I had my life savings (the equivalent of about US$78k in inflation adjusted dollars) stolen from me by government agents. Never arrested, never charged, never convicted of anything. In the USA, they have "asset forfeiture" laws that allow this to happen to the tune of US$505 BILLION dollars in 2019 alone. Good luck winning in court, as the odds are stacked against you (you can't beat the gov't in the gov't's court) and also because as most lawyers won't even take the case because it is not worth their time effort, unless the sums involved are huge (in the hundreds of thousands of dollars+). But even if you win, you still lose because a large chunk of your $ will be taken in lawyer fees (expect 70-100%, perhaps more, and you may end up owing them money!) Then, just 4 months later, my sweet little dog was hit and killed by a car and between those 2 events, I wanted to end it all. But I held on to hope. I thought I'm going through a terrible time right now, but "it will get better". It's only money, I can make more, and my dog wasn't going to live forever anyway.


As the years went by, my biggest regret is that I didn't cbt 26 years ago.

I ask myself:
*Am I any happier today than I was 26 years ago? Answer: no!
*Am I any healthier now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I any younger now than I was 26 years ago? Of course not.
*Am I any richer now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I (or the world) more free now than 26 years ago? No.
*Are any of my loved ones any better off now than 26 years ago? No.

I can ask myself these same questions from a future perspective:

Will I be any happier/healthier/younger/richer/freer/and my loved ones be better off 26 years from now (in the year 2047) when I reach the age of 78?

Again, the most likely and obvious answer will still be no.

Take from this what you will.

To just_wanna_die... I definitely agree with you. If a person is lucky.. they will find a medication that works. Some do, some don't and many work for awhile and then don't. EVERYONE I know slowed down physically and mentally around 60 years old. Most things are harder to do and take longer. I realized I was lucky I bought my nitrogen tank when I did because I carried it down to the basement and it would be harder to do now. You can make new friends in your 60's and 70's but some will die or get sick. It is much different than when you are 20 or 30.

 

[just_wanna_die]

To just_wanna_die... I definitely agree with you. If a person is lucky.. they will find a medication that works. Some do, some don't and many work for awhile and then don't. EVERYONE I know slowed down physically and mentally around 60 years old. Most things are harder to do and take longer. I realized I was lucky I bought my nitrogen tank when I did because I carried it down to the basement and it would be harder to do now. You can make new friends in your 60's and 70's but some will die or get sick. It is much different than when you are 20 or 30.

I feel all life is pointless. Our "reward" for a long life is sickness and death. Everything we have in our life will eventually be lost. Does not matter if it was given to us or if we earn it with our own effort. We lose our grandparents, our parents, our pets, our friends (they move away, have a falling out, or die), we lose our siblings and/or children (if any, when they move away or die), we lose our jobs/careers (get laid off, retire, economy changes, etc..), we lose our money (most older people have lost theirs to taxes, inflation and/or swindlers), we lose our homes (to fire, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, foreclosure, lawsuits, etc...), we lose our spouse (divorce or death), we lose our youth, we lose our health, some may lose their memories, and eventually, we ALL lose our lives. Life is just one long string of losses. No matter what you try to do to live as long and as healthy as you can, you will still die. All we do in this life is kill time until time kills us.

Thankfully I have 25g of powered N that I think I will be using soon. I found out 3 days ago my mother, who has Alzheimer's disease, has developed deep vein thrombosis, a blood clot in her thigh. She may need surgery or "let nature take its course". So I am on the verge of losing my mother forever. I want to join her, either before or soon after she passes. We can be in oblivion together.

 

[OccydePoes]

I'm 45, I can only speak for myself, but now I'm older things seem a bit easier. Most people seem to do not expect from me when they did when I was younger. I don't expect from me as much then when I was younger. My anger at everything that moved has mellowed down ( it's not gone, but much less)

I've learned to like myself, and finally understood, that for me, that's the most important

 

[Silver]

Same thing with me. It is funny how many people here regret not killing themselves exactly at their half age!

Same here too. First suicidal at 18, now around twice that age, and things haven't really improved for me in the meantime. There were a few years where I wasn't suicidal, but was still depressed, and the antidepressants worked a bit until they stopped working, and I was just prescribed the same things over and over. I've now been feeling suicidal for most of the past two years. I felt a bit better over the past summer but it didn't last for long...

 

[Disappointered]

I had suicidal thoughts since the age of nine. Now in late forties. I think the poster who talked about a few minutes of crucial advice is correct. The question is whether a decent mentor of some sort will appear, identify the issues and give you the crucial advice for your situation. If not, odds are low that things truly improve.

 

[NormaJeane]

The older people get the more health problems, ailments and diseases we get and in the end we will end up in a wheelchair - the extension of human life.

 

[socorro]

Hey, older members, genuine question: Does it ever really get better? I'm relatively young, but I've been suicidal since I've been aware of my own existence. There's good and bad in life, sure, but there's so much more bad and so little good. Even if there was more good than bad, I'm tired of both of them. Does it ever get easier? I'm just out of the hospital, and all I can think about, even after being drugged out of my mind, is how badly I wish I had not been found and had not failed. All I can think about is the cold steel of a gun barrel in my mouth. So, does it get better? Honestly? It hasn't yet, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of fighting to do everything every day. I'm tired of this existence. I'm tired of being. Will it ever go away? Sorry for the ramble, I just need these answers. Everyone in life loves to say it does, because they don't want to discourage you. They're never honest about it though, because when they are, the answer is no.

I can only speak for myself, but it definitely has for me.

From my early teenage years I was incredibly depressed. I tried to ctb several times when I was young, but I didn't have any guidance and they always ended up failing. The failure compounded my own disgust for myself.

As an adult I was unhappy for long time, especially after the loss of my father. It came in extended bouts. Suicidal certainly, but with more awareness about how it would affect my family and the fear of failing again and having to live in some form of disabled state as a result of my efforts.

But now I've reached 40 and the past few years have been so much easier. I've made changes in my own life that have hugely helped. For example, I think a lot of my depression was caused by having to rely on others (often uncaring, selfish people). I made a concerted effort to rely on only myself. To vet those I allow in my life and those that can affect me emotionally. I also made a rule for myself that I would only put into relationships what I got out of them. This was huge for me, because I have a tendency to give and give and then be so disappointed when I don't receive a fraction back and just get used or taken for granted.

There are other changes too, but the main thing is that my environment played a massive role in my happiness, and ultimately environment is most often temporary and (to some extent, even if small) controllable. I would rather be sat at home alone for weeks on end than be social with total arseholes. My life improved so dramatically after this.

I'm so glad though that I didn't go through with it when I was an adult. I so desperately wanted to, I wanted it to all be over, I wanted the pain to end, but I didn't have the means or guidance.

But now my life is good now and I sometimes wonder if I went through all that bullshit, experienced the rapes and abuse, so I could get to this place and truly appreciate it. Because I feel like I do appreciate it more than the average person. I hope you can find the other side too, I hope we all can.

 

[Elegy]

I'm almost 60, and frankly no, it never gets better. Not for me, anyway. But that is, not, why I am alive.

 

[little helpers]

ex-gf wanted to die at age 8, still wants to die to this day. me, as far as my memory can go (cuz I got shit memory), first attempt was at 16. still do now. if you ask in the recovery section you'd prolly get different answers, but I guess here, you're gonna disappoint yourself in a huge echo chamber.

 

[Bleak]

I'm 38 and for me no, it's been steady downhill. Truly afraid of the future.

 

[LittleJem]

In my 40s. Mental illness for over 30 years, childhood abuse etc. Does it get better? In my experience, only with a working medication. I'm on my third med atm. It's better but still pretty awful.

 

[subj]

In my 40s. Mental illness for over 30 years, childhood abuse etc. Does it get better? In my experience, only with a working medication. I'm on my third med atm. It's better but still pretty awful.

Sorry your depression continues. It never goes completely away. While things have been pretty good, last night for no reason I got this urge to tke my life in some very painful way which gos with my thoughts. I have no idea where it came from or why and this mornin g i still feel it. I'm not doing it but still afterr a relatively long time without such intense thoughts here it is again. I hope for yuou you find happiness and relief.

 

[Kobusu]

I can only speak for myself, but it definitely has for me.

From my early teenage years I was incredibly depressed. I tried to ctb several times when I was young, but I didn't have any guidance and they always ended up failing. The failure compounded my own disgust for myself.

As an adult I was unhappy for long time, especially after the loss of my father. It came in extended bouts. Suicidal certainly, but with more awareness about how it would affect my family and the fear of failing again and having to live in some form of disabled state as a result of my efforts.

But now I've reached 40 and the past few years have been so much easier. I've made changes in my own life that have hugely helped. For example, I think a lot of my depression was caused by having to rely on others (often uncaring, selfish people). I made a concerted effort to rely on only myself. To vet those I allow in my life and those that can affect me emotionally. I also made a rule for myself that I would only put into relationships what I got out of them. This was huge for me, because I have a tendency to give and give and then be so disappointed when I don't receive a fraction back and just get used or taken for granted.

There are other changes too, but the main thing is that my environment played a massive role in my happiness, and ultimately environment is most often temporary and (to some extent, even if small) controllable. I would rather be sat at home alone for weeks on end than be social with total arseholes. My life improved so dramatically after this.

I'm so glad though that I didn't go through with it when I was an adult. I so desperately wanted to, I wanted it to all be over, I wanted the pain to end, but I didn't have the means or guidance.

But now my life is good now and I sometimes wonder if I went through all that bullshit, experienced the rapes and abuse, so I could get to this place and truly appreciate it. Because I feel like I do appreciate it more than the average person. I hope you can find the other side too, I hope we all can.

Thank you so much. To everyone else, as well I appreciate all of you sharing. There's not many places people will be honest with you about these things.

 

[Callie Arcale]

It might get better, or it might not. That's the perversion of life: you won't find out unless you live it.
In my case life has been deteriorating with every decade that passed.

 

[Illcryaboutitlater]

I can only speak for myself and from my experiences and perspective. But this is my honest answer.

I'm 52 now. When I was 26, I had my life savings (the equivalent of about US$78k in inflation adjusted dollars) stolen from me by government agents. Never arrested, never charged, never convicted of anything. In the USA, they have "asset forfeiture" laws that allow this to happen to the tune of US$505 BILLION dollars in 2019 alone. Good luck winning in court, as the odds are stacked against you (you can't beat the gov't in the gov't's court) and also because as most lawyers won't even take the case because it is not worth their time effort, unless the sums involved are huge (in the hundreds of thousands of dollars+). But even if you win, you still lose because a large chunk of your $ will be taken in lawyer fees (expect 70-100%, perhaps more, and you may end up owing them money!) Then, just 4 months later, my sweet little dog was hit and killed by a car and between those 2 events, I wanted to end it all. But I held on to hope. I thought I'm going through a terrible time right now, but "it will get better". It's only money, I can make more, and my dog wasn't going to live forever anyway.


As the years went by, my biggest regret is that I didn't cbt 26 years ago.

I ask myself:
*Am I any happier today than I was 26 years ago? Answer: no!
*Am I any healthier now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I any younger now than I was 26 years ago? Of course not.
*Am I any richer now than 26 years ago? No.
*Am I (or the world) more free now than 26 years ago? No.
*Are any of my loved ones any better off now than 26 years ago? No.

I can ask myself these same questions from a future perspective:

Will I be any happier/healthier/younger/richer/freer/and my loved ones be better off 26 years from now (in the year 2047) when I reach the age of 78?

Again, the most likely and obvious answer will still be no.

Take from this what you will.

I already feel like this and im only 31 i regret all the fails to ctb. I wish people got it yo.

 

[summers]

Assuming two things: 1) You don't have a physical or mental condition that will deteriorate your quality of life. 2) You weren't abused or subjected to trauma that has permanently ruined you as a person.

If these assumptions hold, then life gets better until it doesn't. I'm not going to write a novel, but basically, your life should get better at least through the age of 30 - if you make the right choices, you will become more attractive, stronger, smarter, and wealthier. At some point this stops, and then decline sets in.

A big part of this is doing a job you enjoy, having a solid work-life balance, and living somewhere that makes you happy. You would probably also want to significantly limit your commitments and responsibilities as this affords you much more freedom.

So, play your cards right, and your 20's through about 35 should be awesome.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I'm 31 and I regret not finishing the job I started when I was 9….. and now I have my mom and work keeping me back…. And I hate living

 

[meetapple]

Maybe a little but too little too late.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Hey, older members, genuine question: Does it ever really get better? I'm relatively young, but I've been suicidal since I've been aware of my own existence. There's good and bad in life, sure, but there's so much more bad and so little good. Even if there was more good than bad, I'm tired of both of them. Does it ever get easier? I'm just out of the hospital, and all I can think about, even after being drugged out of my mind, is how badly I wish I had not been found and had not failed. All I can think about is the cold steel of a gun barrel in my mouth. So, does it get better? Honestly? It hasn't yet, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of fighting to do everything every day. I'm tired of this existence. I'm tired of being. Will it ever go away? Sorry for the ramble, I just need these answers. Everyone in life loves to say it does, because they don't want to discourage you. They're never honest about it though, because when they are, the answer is no.

Sorry to be so late to the party, but I'm just seeing this today.

For some of us, the answer is yes.

I came here when I was in a very dark, dark place and now I am in the light. Life is not perfect and I struggle a great deal with some things that others find simple, but my life is better for me and by me right now.

I know it might not last forever, but it's good for now. I'm not ruling out the possibility that thinks could get dark again, even very dark, perhaps. I find comfort in this community where such times and experiences are validated, acknowledged and respected, even now.

The bitch of it is that you never know how it's going to be for you. You just have to do the best you can for as long as you can, and maybe, just maybe, have a bit of hope.