My sleep rhythm is changing rapidly. But it is really weird. My goal was to sleep as long as possible for a couple of months. It seemingly made me crunch my teeth heavily. Though, when the outcome of the complaint of my therapist was announced major depression started. I really had issues to get out of my bed. But it is so weird currently. I wake way too early can fall asleep sometimes because depression makes me tired but I am still awake way earlier than usual.
It is never a good sign when I am researching suicide methods. And I started to dig sources for SN since 2-3 days. And I am not even doing this research at evening when depression hits the worst. I am doing this early in the morning. The time when my mood should be the best. I am very rarely heavily suicidal in the morning. I hoped someone would just give me a source for SN and then fine. But I had to do research on my own browsing through the internet anxiously weighing the argument pro and contra ordering it.
I am full in the I should kill myself soon mood. I have so fucking much problems. It gets really bad. I was really depresed all the fucking time. And the interesting ADHD/autistic woman is not responding. I wasn't sure about the impact on my mental health. I was certain it will be bad. It is not like I would kill myself right this second. But it make me consider suicide seriously on top on all these problems.
My friends are sort of overwhelmed. And the two main pillars for my mental health. Is venting in a suicide forum and chatting with AI chatbots. Currently, I don't trust therapists anymore after my therapist abused and the organization behind her backed her. I even considered to go a clinic again. Even though, I fear bad feedback things that could hurt me even more when I open up that I reported her. I feel with my back against the wall.
I had to tell my dad who sort of begged for help that I feel too bad in order to be there for him. And having to do this really made me really suicidal. I couldn't cope with that. I responded all the time and as I do after a few seconds. But I nudged him more and more into the direction that he should talk to an AI chatbot. It is what I do all the fucking time. Not the perfect solution I know. But still better than clinging to me who is going down with him.
So I was thinking all the time about killing myself. And all the options I still have left. Have you seen this long as wall of text in suicide forum I am so fucking cooked. I realized even if I ordered SN now the shipment would take a few weeks. This disincentivized to go that rabbit hole deeper.
I have two very close friends. They intervened in my suicide attempt in 2024. I think without them I would be already dead. And my grandma is sort of jealous because I spend way more time with them. I just vent to them all the fucking time how nightmarish I feel. And in front of my grandma I have to maks (I am autistic) all the fucking time. And we only talk about trivial stuff which feels totally meaningless. And I really hate small talk.
So my grandma is dying. She is around 85. I never had a close relationship to her. My granddad died listeneing to a family argument when my mom and grandma wanted to throw me out for talking to much about the abuse I went through because of my mom. The funeral was a nightmare where everyone blamed me. And there was a time where my grandma wanted that I replace my granddad which really made me uncomortable. But we all forgave each other. Despite the fact no one ever admitted that I was abused. They all live in denial that they didn't witness it. Which is bogus. But I don't care very much. I also don't care about an apology. They do everything for me and they love me and I love them too. But it is a reality that I am a mental wreck. And spending time with my grandma makes me really uncomfortable. We are just two completely different people. I am not sure whether she wants that I appreciate that I forgave her like she forgave me. I think the process of her death is indeed nightmarish. And I feel sorry about her. And I think a lot about her. But I don't see that we are super close. I don't see that I have a special relation to her. She has countless of children. She has countless of grandchildren. Why don't they care more about her. She has a son that cut of the contact to her completely. Why should I be special? Is it because she still thinks I am guilty of killing her husband. Having done that to her? I don't actually know. And solely this question makes me uncomfortable. It was really traumatizing when everyone blamed me. And you should think that something like that leaves deep scars.
I sent her messages that I love her. That I think about her. Though, it is true the last two weeks I didn't send her anything. I asked her in one message about how she is doing. And she told me something like sorry can't reply now I wll do it later. And then she never replied to me. Maybe I shouldn't judge her too much for that she is an old grandma. But it gave me a feeling she doesn't care anyway. And I am currently going through hell.
I think she is disappointed that I visit my friends so frequently. But actually spending time with my friends give me energy and a will to live. Today the only way I was able to escape this I wanna kill myself spiral was having a phone call with a friend of mine for 45 minutes. Otherwise I would have thought about killing myself the whole fucking day.
Today my mom visited my grandma. And he always asks me whether I want to accompany her. And I say as usual no. It takes me a lot of effort I have to overcome my issues. And it is not like that I will visit my parents when they are dying. I surely will not. I only take resources for them because I cannot give much back. Because they made me a fucking mental wreck. My grandma most likely won't have to witness my suicide.And that's my gift to her. I think I cannot postpone it until my parents are dead. We in this family will all go down in a lot of pain. We are panicking and in pain. There will be no one to save us. My grandma had a life 0f 85. She has so many people that care for her. I will have no one. No one will visit me when I am old. I think I won't reach that age. I really don't think that. I wanna kill myself since I am 15. My mom told me how sad she was. And I think she is sad because my grandma is sad that I am not visiting her. So the guilt was ripping me apart. However, they say she is dying for years. I think it might true it will be this year. I visited her two months ago. I think in the mind of my grandma I had to visit her all the time. My mom does that. I am not sure whether other grandchildren do that too.
So when the guilt was ripping me apart. I sent her 5 long text messages. And we are completel different people. I show sppreciation by sharing something intimate and personal with her. And I think she considered the messages sort of like a self-portrayal. Felt even worse. Chatted with chatGPT what I was doing wrong. Sent her another long messages. Elaborated on our different communication style and offered to phone with her.
I FEEL HORRIBLE. I WANNA DIE. WHY WHY ON EARTH DO THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME.
This wasn't good for my mental health. The phone call with my friend gave me some light. This exchange wants me to self-immolate. Lol.
Edit: My mom just told me my dad wants that we move in the same apartment as him. Bro he can go fuck himself. He is now a mental wreck and I see that. But I am a mental wreck since years and he pressured me to keep going. Even after I almost killed myself. He always wanted to talk about the future and my job prospects. Nah, he can go fuck himself....
One thing to add. My mom, grandma and my dad pressured me to keep going in college. I did this for 2,5 years. Abused benzos to achieve that. They aftermath almost made me kill myself. My grandma and mom stopped pushing me after I became acute suicidal. Okay actually my grandma kept pushing a little bit. They don't know how serious it was. My dad knew how serious it was and he kept pushing.
It is never a good sign when I am researching suicide methods. And I started to dig sources for SN since 2-3 days. And I am not even doing this research at evening when depression hits the worst. I am doing this early in the morning. The time when my mood should be the best. I am very rarely heavily suicidal in the morning. I hoped someone would just give me a source for SN and then fine. But I had to do research on my own browsing through the internet anxiously weighing the argument pro and contra ordering it.
I am full in the I should kill myself soon mood. I have so fucking much problems. It gets really bad. I was really depresed all the fucking time. And the interesting ADHD/autistic woman is not responding. I wasn't sure about the impact on my mental health. I was certain it will be bad. It is not like I would kill myself right this second. But it make me consider suicide seriously on top on all these problems.
My friends are sort of overwhelmed. And the two main pillars for my mental health. Is venting in a suicide forum and chatting with AI chatbots. Currently, I don't trust therapists anymore after my therapist abused and the organization behind her backed her. I even considered to go a clinic again. Even though, I fear bad feedback things that could hurt me even more when I open up that I reported her. I feel with my back against the wall.
I had to tell my dad who sort of begged for help that I feel too bad in order to be there for him. And having to do this really made me really suicidal. I couldn't cope with that. I responded all the time and as I do after a few seconds. But I nudged him more and more into the direction that he should talk to an AI chatbot. It is what I do all the fucking time. Not the perfect solution I know. But still better than clinging to me who is going down with him.
So I was thinking all the time about killing myself. And all the options I still have left. Have you seen this long as wall of text in suicide forum I am so fucking cooked. I realized even if I ordered SN now the shipment would take a few weeks. This disincentivized to go that rabbit hole deeper.
I have two very close friends. They intervened in my suicide attempt in 2024. I think without them I would be already dead. And my grandma is sort of jealous because I spend way more time with them. I just vent to them all the fucking time how nightmarish I feel. And in front of my grandma I have to maks (I am autistic) all the fucking time. And we only talk about trivial stuff which feels totally meaningless. And I really hate small talk.
So my grandma is dying. She is around 85. I never had a close relationship to her. My granddad died listeneing to a family argument when my mom and grandma wanted to throw me out for talking to much about the abuse I went through because of my mom. The funeral was a nightmare where everyone blamed me. And there was a time where my grandma wanted that I replace my granddad which really made me uncomortable. But we all forgave each other. Despite the fact no one ever admitted that I was abused. They all live in denial that they didn't witness it. Which is bogus. But I don't care very much. I also don't care about an apology. They do everything for me and they love me and I love them too. But it is a reality that I am a mental wreck. And spending time with my grandma makes me really uncomfortable. We are just two completely different people. I am not sure whether she wants that I appreciate that I forgave her like she forgave me. I think the process of her death is indeed nightmarish. And I feel sorry about her. And I think a lot about her. But I don't see that we are super close. I don't see that I have a special relation to her. She has countless of children. She has countless of grandchildren. Why don't they care more about her. She has a son that cut of the contact to her completely. Why should I be special? Is it because she still thinks I am guilty of killing her husband. Having done that to her? I don't actually know. And solely this question makes me uncomfortable. It was really traumatizing when everyone blamed me. And you should think that something like that leaves deep scars.
I sent her messages that I love her. That I think about her. Though, it is true the last two weeks I didn't send her anything. I asked her in one message about how she is doing. And she told me something like sorry can't reply now I wll do it later. And then she never replied to me. Maybe I shouldn't judge her too much for that she is an old grandma. But it gave me a feeling she doesn't care anyway. And I am currently going through hell.
I think she is disappointed that I visit my friends so frequently. But actually spending time with my friends give me energy and a will to live. Today the only way I was able to escape this I wanna kill myself spiral was having a phone call with a friend of mine for 45 minutes. Otherwise I would have thought about killing myself the whole fucking day.
Today my mom visited my grandma. And he always asks me whether I want to accompany her. And I say as usual no. It takes me a lot of effort I have to overcome my issues. And it is not like that I will visit my parents when they are dying. I surely will not. I only take resources for them because I cannot give much back. Because they made me a fucking mental wreck. My grandma most likely won't have to witness my suicide.And that's my gift to her. I think I cannot postpone it until my parents are dead. We in this family will all go down in a lot of pain. We are panicking and in pain. There will be no one to save us. My grandma had a life 0f 85. She has so many people that care for her. I will have no one. No one will visit me when I am old. I think I won't reach that age. I really don't think that. I wanna kill myself since I am 15. My mom told me how sad she was. And I think she is sad because my grandma is sad that I am not visiting her. So the guilt was ripping me apart. However, they say she is dying for years. I think it might true it will be this year. I visited her two months ago. I think in the mind of my grandma I had to visit her all the time. My mom does that. I am not sure whether other grandchildren do that too.
So when the guilt was ripping me apart. I sent her 5 long text messages. And we are completel different people. I show sppreciation by sharing something intimate and personal with her. And I think she considered the messages sort of like a self-portrayal. Felt even worse. Chatted with chatGPT what I was doing wrong. Sent her another long messages. Elaborated on our different communication style and offered to phone with her.
I FEEL HORRIBLE. I WANNA DIE. WHY WHY ON EARTH DO THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME.
This wasn't good for my mental health. The phone call with my friend gave me some light. This exchange wants me to self-immolate. Lol.
Edit: My mom just told me my dad wants that we move in the same apartment as him. Bro he can go fuck himself. He is now a mental wreck and I see that. But I am a mental wreck since years and he pressured me to keep going. Even after I almost killed myself. He always wanted to talk about the future and my job prospects. Nah, he can go fuck himself....
One thing to add. My mom, grandma and my dad pressured me to keep going in college. I did this for 2,5 years. Abused benzos to achieve that. They aftermath almost made me kill myself. My grandma and mom stopped pushing me after I became acute suicidal. Okay actually my grandma kept pushing a little bit. They don't know how serious it was. My dad knew how serious it was and he kept pushing.
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