Numb

[mochiie]

Hello, I'm Mochi.


I am a 19 year old in the states. Quiet life with my mother, father, and autistic brother. Today, I just got the news that my father's melanoma has spread to his brain. My whole world automatically just shut down while making breakfast. My appetite went away faster than it ever has. I feel dull, numb, and hopeless- it's to the point I can't even cry. I feel like I died this morning. I have absolutely no support system or anyone to talk to.

Our family has always struggled with money and our bills. No one can work. We live 40 minutes away from any job opportunity with a old, rusted car in our driveway. Due to weekly appointments, it would cause many work days to be missed. I worked a bit earlier this year as a dishwasher and of course, I missed too much, but I had no choice. I also had to drop out of high-school, but that's another long story. My brother is still young and my mother stays home to care for my father full time, he is elderly (68).

I have no one. Absolutely no one. I don't know what to do or what I can even do. There's no escape or waking up from this. I love him so much and it's awful seeing him in this state. There's still so much I want to accomplish that I want him to see.

I've struggled my whole life with depression, and it will only get worse.


Thank you for reading, goodbye.

 

[deadChinaDoll]

Hey Mochi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nobody deserves this type of pain in life and I wish you strength in this unfathomably difficult time. That being said, I can relate somewhat to what you're saying. I am 20 in the states with a schizophrenic sister- it's certainly not the same, but sometimes hearing she's miles away sick and refusing to leave someone's house puts that numbness in my chest, especially thinking back to who I remember. My advice is to try your best to accept what's happening. It's a nightmarish thing to do, but it will help with the numbness. In my experience the suddenness of situations like this have a tendency to dissociate someone, which can lead to that removal from emotion. Working on accepting your circumstances can bring you back from this numbness, although I can't promise you any happiness beyond that. In that regard, I empathize with feeling alone as well. Please reach out if you'd like to talk further.

 

[no_choice]

I'm so sorry. you in in so much pain. Sending love and light to you.

 

[Leiot]

This may not be popular but if you live in the US, have you considered the military? Aside from the steady paycheck, it gives you structure. I miss that a lot. I started going downhill after I got out on disability. You can get training and health care for you and your family. You said they couldn't work - I think there was a way you could get support for your mother & brother if you were supporting them but that was a while back. Check with a recruiter.

For me, it would be worth the suffering to provide for them. Just a suggestion.