Numb Video Game Bear Reviews: Football edition (Not handegg)

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Hahahahh...RONALDENIOOO SAUCEEER!!!
Welcome, everyone, to another derivative game review thing where I, Mr. Bear, will review EVERY Football (Not handegg) game on the NES/Famicom. Is it dumb? Probably is, but I wanted something to get my mind off the gutter so here you have it!

Before we begin, I'll set up some guidelines and methodology for this. Let's pretend this is FOR SCIENCE!

Methodology: I'll be playing the games on an emulator, cause I prefer it. If a ROM can be found, I'll play at least one match, using rewind and save states to get a feel for the game. If it doesn't completely suck, I'll play another one but without these aids. If there's other modes that significantly change the game, I'll also try them.

The games will be played on release date order, starting with the oldest, according to GameFAQs. (It's a good source IMO) The reviews will be textual with some images to spice it up. I'll be discussing the following points:

Audio and Visuals: The music, sounds and graphics of the game. Are they nice, bad or just serviceable? Is there performance issues? Does the camera suck? Also some artistic critique from someone who is neither artistic nor critical. You'll love it.

Gameplay: Is the gameplay smooth, does it play well? Is it too hard, too easy? Too fast, too slow? Good controls or bad? Are there offsides? Fouls? Can you curve shots, change the strength? How much does the computer suck? (As in your teammates.) Please mind that I suck in general so maybe some bias there, but hey, that's games journalism for you!

Variety: How many modes, and teams? How many different options? And the most important part: Can you play as BRAZIL?

I'll not post the first one immediately because, well, I'm at work. And I also don't have anything done yet to post, heheheh...probably later today. Until then, wear your RONALDENIOS and turn on your SAUCERS as we dive into something...that probably is not going to be as interesting as I'm making it be. But I'll do it, anyway!

Ideas and feedback welcome, just bear in mind I'm lazy, and may not have enough energy to react much.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Prologue: What the hell is even Football (Not handegg)?

Before I properly begin with the games, here's a shortish explanation of how Association Football A.K.A Soccer works in general: It is a ball sport where two teams composed of 11 players each play on a large rectangular grass field, with a goal on each end of the field. The players are divided inside the team into further positions, which vary in role and positioning. One special position is the Goalkeeper or Goaltender (Goalie for short), which can grab the ball in certain situations. All other players must maneuver the ball using their bodies (Except hands and arms), passing and dribbling it strategically, avoiding opponent players so they can get the ball into the opponent's goal.

Let's say it's a match between team A and team B. If the ball enters team A's goal, team B gets one point, and vice-versa. The match has two halves of 45 minutes, plus some extra time if needed. Tackles and other rough moves may be penalized by giving the ball back to the injured player's team for a free kick, and the foul player may get yellow and red cards, depending on how bad the foul was. Yellow is for dangerous play, and red is for very dangerous play, possibly targeting the player rather than the ball. If a player get two yellow cards, or one red card, they're out of the game and their team has to play with one less player. If a player makes a foul inside their own team's goal area, a penalty shot is awarded to the opposing team, which is a 1x1 kick between a goalie and an opposing player.

If the ball goes out of the field bounds a corner kick, a goal kick, or a throw-in is awarded, depending on the situation. If the ball goes out the longer side of the field, a throw-in is awarded to the team opposite to the last player which touched the ball. If a player gets the ball out of bounds into the opposing team's end, a goal kick is awarded to the opposing team. If a player gets the ball out of bounds into its own team's end, a corner kick is awarded to the opposing team.

I guess that is a way of explaining it. It looks like a wall of text, and half of it is unintelligible, but hey, I tried. Later I'll post the first game.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Soccer (1985)

So here we are, the first of many (Hopefully). Soccer was one of many games released with the launch of the NES back in 1985, also know as the "Black Box" games, which included other sports like Golf and Baseball, all very informative titles.

Audio and Visuals: Since it's an early NES title, it is expected that the graphics and sounds aren't all that good, but they are good enough. The graphics are simplistic, using a side view of the field, but they are readable, and you see what's going on clearly. The sounds are simplistic, and the music is very ditty, not bad. The title screen music is sort of overexciting though. There is also a Half-Time show, for some reason? It's cute.

Gameplay: The controls are simple, A does a lob shot, and B does either a pass or a hard shot. A also changes the player you control, which has a little indicator above. There are no tackles, so no fouls, and shots are aimed via an arrow on the goal, which you control in tandem with your player. Dribbling is difficult because the ball doesn't "stick" to the player after they got possession of it. They keep kicking it forward a little bit and you have to go after it to keep guiding the ball.

The game has a slower pace, but it's mostly because the camera shows a lot of the field at once. The computer isn't bad, but the AI is simplistic, meaning your teammates are mostly so you can pursue your opponents better by changing players with A. Also, for some reason, there seems to have only 6 players on each team, probably because of sprite limitations.

Variety: How many modes, and teams? How many different options? And the most important part: Can you play as BRAZIL?

The game has 1 and 2 player modes. The 2 player mode is just the usual VS exhibition match, and in the player 1 mode you go against the CPU to assert dominance as the alpha footballers. There are only 7 teams, all cosmetic differences, including USA, Great Britain, France, Japan, FRG(?) and, of course, BRAZIL. Ah, it was all worth it in the end wasn't it?

Other options include changing the Half-Time to 15, 30 or 45 "minutes", which are actually 180, 360 and 540 seconds, respectively. There are also 5 difficulties, with the 5th one being relentless.

NOTE: I didn't include images, but I did link to a gameplay video which is just as good, right?