Nothing would ever make me want to live

[FuneralCry]

This is just another post about the same thing, I have said it all many times before. This is the truth for me, that nothing could ever make me not suicidal. Even if I could change things in many ways, if I could have the things others desperately wanted, I would still be sad. There would always be a deep emptiness that nothing could ever fill, as the truth is for me I want nothing from this life.

I could never be satisfied with living, how can people live without dread and anxiety for the future. All the negative emotions, dread, fear and despair will always be a part of me. I see no point to continuing this life, it is why I know that death is the only option for me. I wish my life was never a thing in the first place, it should not have been, from the start I have been cursed and it will only get worse. I exist but I see myself as being dead in a way, I have never really been alive.

I will never understand people who want to live and enjoy life. All people have to look forward to is old age and losing everything. Life itself is extremely depressing.
The night time used to bring me a little bit of comfort, but now it is all so sad. Days and nights are long. I always dream of death where I am free from all pain. I long for the pointless struggle called life to end.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

just out of curiousity FKA FuneralCry, how old are you and what's your living situation? I've seen you on here since I joined I'm pretty sure and I don't really feel like I've ever read anything about you besides your feelings and I see you on here frequently

 

[jimmy7754]

I know your a female in the UK and your writing is very precise. I'm sorry you feel this way and hope you can find peace. I've always felt these feelings even when I was "functioning."

 

[Angi]

You sound like you are in terrible pain, and I would love to give you something against it. But I could not think of anything that might help you... I have been on the quest of finding a less depressing angle on life and the best answer I got was from a book, "Veronica decides to die". Summarized briefly, the main caracter tries to kill herself, fails, and suddenly loves life. I wish I knew how to pull this off.

 

[FuneralCry]

just out of curiousity FKA FuneralCry, how old are you and what's your living situation? I've seen you on here since I joined I'm pretty sure and I don't really feel like I've ever read anything about you besides your feelings and I see you on here frequently

I am 21. Yes, I know I make many repetitive posts but I have nothing to talk about apart from how much I would like to not exist. 'Living situation' is quite vague. I certainly do not have it as bad as some people, but as I said I cannot stand life and I am not meant for this world.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

I am 21. Yes, I know I make many repetitive posts but I have nothing to talk about apart from how much I would like to not exist. 'Living situation' is quite vague. I certainly do not have it as bad as some people, but as I said I cannot stand life and I am not meant for this world.

I don't mind the repetitive posts that's how you're feeling and that's valid. I understand that. I know that I could have it worse too, I live in an apartment now although last year I was homeless and somehow became even more depressed than then when I should be grateful and better than I did. I don't really feel meant for this either, spending 40-50 years working to retire and perhaps may end up homeless or remain in poverty. I meant, do you live with family, by yourself, a roommate, etc?

 

[Crazy4u]

I don't blame you. Living doesn't make sense and has no meaning. Our human nature keeps us alive. I would love to live until I become 50 years old but I realize I can't due to basic problems with survival and the strength and energy needed to stay alive. There are no limits to how bad things can get.

 

[Of The Universe]

When do you think you'll ctb??

 

[Buddha.e.c]

we are all different and go through pain in different ways . Personally i can 1000% relate to the feeling of not wanting to live everyday and wake up:( wishing i was died
Life is depressing you will grow old and die it inst much of a journey but dont let this life limit you and i wish you well honesly do i relate so much .

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't mind the repetitive posts that's how you're feeling and that's valid. I understand that. I know that I could have it worse too, I live in an apartment now although last year I was homeless and somehow became even more depressed than then when I should be grateful and better than I did. I don't really feel meant for this either, spending 40-50 years working to retire and perhaps may end up homeless or remain in poverty. I meant, do you live with family, by yourself, a roommate, etc?

I live with family members but I spend nearly all my time alone away from people.

When do you think you'll ctb??

I do not have a set date, I will just leave eventually when I get desperate. I am only still alive because it is difficult to ctb.

 

[someonelse]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I've seen your posts and you're always very thoughtful and considerate of other members. I'm 44 so older than most people on this site. I hate to see so many young people experiencing such intense depression and hopelessness. I've been suicidal since I was a teenager but it wasn't until I was diagnosed as bipolar at 35 that I really felt ready to ctb.

Regardless of what happens I wish you peace.

 

[Ravery95]

This is just another post about the same thing, I have said it all many times before. This is the truth for me, that nothing could ever make me not suicidal. Even if I could change things in many ways, if I could have the things others desperately wanted, I would still be sad. There would always be a deep emptiness that nothing could ever fill, as the truth is for me I want nothing from this life.

I could never be satisfied with living, how can people live without dread and anxiety for the future. All the negative emotions, dread, fear and despair will always be a part of me. I see no point to continuing this life, it is why I know that death is the only option for me. I wish my life was never a thing in the first place, it should not have been, from the start I have been cursed and it will only get worse. I exist but I see myself as being dead in a way, I have never really been alive.

I will never understand people who want to live and enjoy life. All people have to look forward to is old age and losing everything. Life itself is extremely depressing.
The night time used to bring me a little bit of comfort, but now it is all so sad. Days and nights are long. I always dream of death where I am free from all pain. I long for the pointless struggle called life to end.

I've been on here for a week or so now. I see some of your posts on all sorts of threads. How have you made 8000 comments. If what you're saying is true, why haven't you CTB (not trying to be rude, genuinely interested). I want to CTB ASAP.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've been on here for a week or so now. I see some of your posts on all sorts of threads. How have you made 8000 comments. If what you're saying is true, why haven't you CTB (not trying to be rude, genuinely interested). I want to CTB ASAP.

I have made that many comments as I have been posting on here for many months now and it is just a way to pass the time.
I have not ctb yet because of the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. It really is so difficult to ctb, even know we want to die, all humans are programmed to survive. If it was easier I would already be gone.

 

[jimmy7754]

I've been on here for a week or so now. I see some of your posts on all sorts of threads. How have you made 8000 comments. If what you're saying is true, why haven't you CTB (not trying to be rude, genuinely interested). I want to CTB ASAP.

It's hard to do.

 

[Ravery95]

I have made that many comments as I have been posting on here for many months now and it is just a way to pass the time.
I have not ctb yet because of the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. It really is so difficult to ctb, even know we want to die, all humans are programmed to survive. If it was easier I would already be gone.

I totally agree with you. I've had 2 failed attempts, 10 hospitalisations, 4x 6 month or so periods of being depressed/suicidal. 7 years on and off.
Tried several antidepressants, mood stabalisers, different PRNs (benzos), anti psychotics.. Electroconvulsive therapy (zapped my brain 18 times in total). I'm 26 Male with Bipolar from UK. If CTB was easy, I'd sure have gone a long time ago. The 10th stint in a psychiatric ward in UK is the last one. I'm making sure of that.

The ctb I'm left with to ensure 100% death (not necessarily instant) is "easy and free" but still SI.
I have a supportive family, I have a girlfriend of 2.5 years who is extremely supportive and has stuck by me the whole time. I'm starting an apprenticeship to become a qualified wholetime firefighter on the 21st Feb. I've always been told I'm good looking, I'm pretty healthy and slim too.

Depression isn't biased.

 

[orange]

Can relate, sorry that you feel this way

 

[Messgram]

Do you have any hobbies?

 

[Life sucks]

This is just another post about the same thing, I have said it all many times before. This is the truth for me, that nothing could ever make me not suicidal. Even if I could change things in many ways, if I could have the things others desperately wanted, I would still be sad. There would always be a deep emptiness that nothing could ever fill, as the truth is for me I want nothing from this life.

I could never be satisfied with living, how can people live without dread and anxiety for the future. All the negative emotions, dread, fear and despair will always be a part of me. I see no point to continuing this life, it is why I know that death is the only option for me. I wish my life was never a thing in the first place, it should not have been, from the start I have been cursed and it will only get worse. I exist but I see myself as being dead in a way, I have never really been alive.

I will never understand people who want to live and enjoy life. All people have to look forward to is old age and losing everything. Life itself is extremely depressing.
The night time used to bring me a little bit of comfort, but now it is all so sad. Days and nights are long. I always dream of death where I am free from all pain. I long for the pointless struggle called life to end.

Life is inherently wrong and full of suffering. It's always a sad situation, it always ends with death or disappearance of everything.
I don't understand how people see the suffering of the billions of others and still think it's ok. There are a lot of wrongs and problems and it's not even hard to see all of this, it's straightforward and easy but people choose the absurdity. I don't want this life where everything dies and ends painfully, and is full of problems and many of them are unsolvable or take a lot of time. Life is really depressing and I wish I could be free from this pain. I always want my life to end and I know how this glitch called life is really superficial, painful and depressing.

 

[FuneralCry]

Do you have any hobbies?

There is nothing that I enjoy. I believe that hobbies require concentration and interest which are things that I struggle with. I just try to pass the time until I fall asleep. It is all so depressing. There is nothing for me to look forward to and nothing that makes me feel better.

 

[Death is beautiful]

There is nothing that I enjoy. I believe that hobbies require concentration and interest which are things that I struggle with. I just try to pass the time until I fall asleep. It is all so depressing. There is nothing for me to look forward to and nothing that makes me feel better.

It seems to be anhedonia

 

[Samsal112]

I know you don't want to be the benefactor for suicidal people, but your posts are so important and I wish that more people can understand that. I have read at least five posts on this site about, "If your life is not like______then you have all the reason to live!" It's always some pro life posts about if you're not chronically ill or suffering from a mental illness, then it is your responsibility to see the beauty in life. But, there are people who are nihilist and just do not enjoy living. Depression and mental illness can take on many forms and is not always circumstantial. If we continue to perpetrate this belief that suicidal people only want to die because of something that has happened to them, then the right to die will never get the respect it needs. Humans are complex. We cannot pretend to know how others feel. There are probably a lot of people who do not enjoy living but we do not know this because of the stigma we have placed on them. We live in a world where we are constantly being told to be grateful for the life we have and to buck up. But, what if life is meaningless? What if not every person or animal wants to live and we should honor their decision to bow out? Did you know there is evidence of animals committing suicide? I enjoy LivingForever's posts because there is so much truth to them and they echo what this site has been trying to articulate and that is that people have a right to die without explanation. Suicide does not need a reason.

 

[PrisonBreak]

Hi. First of and formost I would like to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. And I wish you well on your endeavor.

I understand from your previous posts that you suffer from Tinnitus. How long have you had the tinnitus and do you think it may have affected your outlook on life in general?

 

[LittleCloud]

This is just another post about the same thing, I have said it all many times before. This is the truth for me, that nothing could ever make me not suicidal. Even if I could change things in many ways, if I could have the things others desperately wanted, I would still be sad. There would always be a deep emptiness that nothing could ever fill, as the truth is for me I want nothing from this life.

I could never be satisfied with living, how can people live without dread and anxiety for the future. All the negative emotions, dread, fear and despair will always be a part of me. I see no point to continuing this life, it is why I know that death is the only option for me. I wish my life was never a thing in the first place, it should not have been, from the start I have been cursed and it will only get worse. I exist but I see myself as being dead in a way, I have never really been alive.

I will never understand people who want to live and enjoy life. All people have to look forward to is old age and losing everything. Life itself is extremely depressing.
The night time used to bring me a little bit of comfort, but now it is all so sad. Days and nights are long. I always dream of death where I am free from all pain. I long for the pointless struggle called life to end.

This may sound childish or even disrespectful... But have you tried books? They are a great way to waste time until night when you can sleep. Some books can put you to sleep, also. You could start with Le Pere Goriot, novel by Honoré de Balzac, or a short story Misery by Cekhov, or The bridge on the Drina by Ivo Andric. Read Six of crows if you want some simple but entertaining fiction. If you are really forced to live, why not read some good stories about other people and their miseries.

 

[FuneralCry]

Hi. First of and formost I would like to say I'm sorry for what you're going through. And I wish you well on your endeavor.

I understand from your previous posts that you suffer from Tinnitus. How long have you had the tinnitus and do you think it may have affected your outlook on life in general?

I have had tinnitus for around a year and a half, and at first when I had it, it made me much more suicidal and I was desperate to leave. It did bother me more back then, now I still hear it, and it can be frustrating and annoying especially when I am trying to sleep but it is not my main reason for wanting ctb. It does mean that I cannot use headphones and I am scared of it getting worse. I would not say it is severe, others have it much worse. It is a horrible condition though, one that should not exist. I wish you the best as well.

This may sound childish or even disrespectful... But have you tried books? They are a great way to waste time until night when you can sleep. Some books can put you to sleep, also. You could start with Le Pere Goriot, novel by Honoré de Balzac, or a short story Misery by Cekhov, or The bridge on the Drina by Ivo Andric. Read Six of crows if you want some simple but entertaining fiction. If you are really forced to live, why not read some good stories about other people and their miseries.

I used to read quite a bit, but I do struggle with concentration and I easily get distracted. Thank you for the suggestion, I wish you the best.

 

[Istanbulite]

Love could, for me.

Each to their own tho.

 

[PrisonBreak]

I wish you the best as well.

Thank you...

Oh and by the way, I like your profile picture. Take care!

 

[edu0z]

This is just another post about the same thing, I have said it all many times before. This is the truth for me, that nothing could ever make me not suicidal. Even if I could change things in many ways, if I could have the things others desperately wanted, I would still be sad. There would always be a deep emptiness that nothing could ever fill, as the truth is for me I want nothing from this life.

I could never be satisfied with living, how can people live without dread and anxiety for the future. All the negative emotions, dread, fear and despair will always be a part of me. I see no point to continuing this life, it is why I know that death is the only option for me. I wish my life was never a thing in the first place, it should not have been, from the start I have been cursed and it will only get worse. I exist but I see myself as being dead in a way, I have never really been alive.

I will never understand people who want to live and enjoy life. All people have to look forward to is old age and losing everything. Life itself is extremely depressing.
The night time used to bring me a little bit of comfort, but now it is all so sad. Days and nights are long. I always dream of death where I am free from all pain. I long for the pointless struggle called life to end.

I understand that for you it must be horrible not to want to continue living and at the same time have to struggle with the fear that everything will get worse if you try to do something about it... I also don't remember ever wanting to live, even in the happiest moments where it seemed that "I had everything", if I had been given a choice I would have chosen to die without a doubt

I always read you, saying goodbye to all those who leave, wishing them peace... you are a good person... I hope that, whether one day you decide to leave or not, you can find the peace you deserve.

 

[Pluto]

There is nothing that I enjoy. I believe that hobbies require concentration and interest which are things that I struggle with. I just try to pass the time until I fall asleep. It is all so depressing. There is nothing for me to look forward to and nothing that makes me feel better.

Your presence here is like a fixture bringing warmth and compassion in an otherwise chaotic environment. Whatever time you have in this world, I hope that life shows you the same care that you give to others.

 

[Of The Universe]

Leaving,you are so mysterious! Do you have a bf? How are you supported?? Just curious.

 

[Hoarsewithnoname]

Thank you for writing this. I feel the same way. Even at times when I'm not actively suicidal and resisting the urge to make an attempt, there's never a time where I actually want to be alive. I pretty much always wish I would die. And looking back I think it's been that way for decades. Even times when I thought I was "happy" I think there was always a deep part of me that yearned to just not live anymore. So many people just don't understand that.