Not good enough, useless, a failure

[nextstepdeath]

I am used to not being good enough, so my attempt must succeed, my attempt must be the best. It must be the best thing I ever achieve in life or it will all be pointless. I drank my body weight in alcohol again last night, feel too sick to do anything. Could attempt on the back of it but I need to be the best with it or its all for nothing.
Maxed out the number of calls i can make to Samaritans so that's out for a while. My death will be celebrated, my death will be indifferent, my death will be remembered by people who will say 'I dodged a bullet with him, what a relief!'
All I can feel is how hated I am.
I struggle with the term catch the bus. I've been suicidal ever since I threw myself under a bus.

 

[nextstepdeath]

I wasn't secure enough when it mattered and now everything is gone. Everything is lost. My candle has died. All that is in front of me now is death, failure, weirdness, retardation. Seems cruel but it's all gone, forever, negativity, damage. Maybe even fucking up an attempt and becoming brain dead, vegetative, comatose would be better than this life, to potentially achieve and destroy it all.
The people I needed I wasn't good enough for.

 

[heliophobic]

What is Samaritans, if you don't mind me asking? I've also lived my whole life never being good enough, which is why I'm in my 40s and alone; never loved, never close to being married, only having pets as companions.

 

[nextstepdeath]

What is Samaritans, if you don't mind me asking? I've also lived my whole life never being good enough, which is why I'm in my 40s and alone; never loved, never close to being married, only having pets as companions.

Suicide hotline

 

[heliophobic]

Do you need to talk?

 

[nextstepdeath]

Do you need to talk?

Sure, I can talk. My life is over. I got a few fundamental things wrong and it's far too late to put anything right now. I used to believe in life. I used to have hope in life. But I never managed to make the links I needed to develop myself in life. I never succeeded with someone. Maybe I worked at the wrong things. Maybe I focused in the wrong ways. My face feels like a clock that has been smashed to pieces and my arms and legs and body has been mangled, going all the place in different twisted directions. I'd give anything to die.

 

[peope_dont_change]

If you do plan to CTB let us know what is your final plan of doing so.