ElTopo
Don't listen to me, I am drunk
- Mar 30, 2025
- 192
It was my birthday recently, not many people messaged me, I hate my birthday, it's always a disappointment.
I went to spend the evening with my family after a 11 hour shift (no I'm not a slave or sm shit but I do a lot of overtime, they are paid) and it was, as always, the same dysfunctional, painful to look at thing, the same thing that drives me mad when I think about it, but even if they hurt me much, even if I'm still lonely and scarred, even if I'll never forget having to care for my sister having psychotic breaks while my mother only tried to provoke her more and more because she's a grown up child, having to look at her doing performative s attempts (she never actually tried, she often tried to involve us into these attempts to have our attention and make us feel bad, she is not a good person, she is a manipulative bitch just like her mother). I was alone through all this, it's not that you can't ever recover from things like this, it's that if you are alone during all these things, with no one to talk, it gets locked up inside you, not just my sister thing, all my childhood, all my stolen adolescence, bullying, loneliness, alienation and stuff, your story is buried so deep inside of you you can't access it anymore, and you can't connect with others like normal people do. Anyway despite all this I feel guilty for leaving them alone, I can't impose that pain voluntarily.
I don't think I can ever have a relationship, even if I look good enough, even if I have my own place, a job, an adult life and shit, the weight of being alone all this time and struggling for affection, being starved for this long, yeah, I will never be able to have a relationship that is equal and isn't feel with regret, bitterness and unavailablness so I guess I just fall in love with the occasional sex worker from time to time.
I don't want to live this life, but I have to, I'll try to be content and satisfied with what I have, which is much on the material side, I can consider me lucky, but it will keep on being a life of crushing loneliness and alienation.
If I ever get cancer, die at work, in an earthquake (increasingly common round here lately btw) or in whatever weird event I will be so fucking happy, it would be liberating.
Anyway, don't know what else to tell, gonna get drunk tonight and smoke a cigarette as soon as I get home, probably been smoking to much lately.
See ya
I went to spend the evening with my family after a 11 hour shift (no I'm not a slave or sm shit but I do a lot of overtime, they are paid) and it was, as always, the same dysfunctional, painful to look at thing, the same thing that drives me mad when I think about it, but even if they hurt me much, even if I'm still lonely and scarred, even if I'll never forget having to care for my sister having psychotic breaks while my mother only tried to provoke her more and more because she's a grown up child, having to look at her doing performative s attempts (she never actually tried, she often tried to involve us into these attempts to have our attention and make us feel bad, she is not a good person, she is a manipulative bitch just like her mother). I was alone through all this, it's not that you can't ever recover from things like this, it's that if you are alone during all these things, with no one to talk, it gets locked up inside you, not just my sister thing, all my childhood, all my stolen adolescence, bullying, loneliness, alienation and stuff, your story is buried so deep inside of you you can't access it anymore, and you can't connect with others like normal people do. Anyway despite all this I feel guilty for leaving them alone, I can't impose that pain voluntarily.
I don't think I can ever have a relationship, even if I look good enough, even if I have my own place, a job, an adult life and shit, the weight of being alone all this time and struggling for affection, being starved for this long, yeah, I will never be able to have a relationship that is equal and isn't feel with regret, bitterness and unavailablness so I guess I just fall in love with the occasional sex worker from time to time.
I don't want to live this life, but I have to, I'll try to be content and satisfied with what I have, which is much on the material side, I can consider me lucky, but it will keep on being a life of crushing loneliness and alienation.
If I ever get cancer, die at work, in an earthquake (increasingly common round here lately btw) or in whatever weird event I will be so fucking happy, it would be liberating.
Anyway, don't know what else to tell, gonna get drunk tonight and smoke a cigarette as soon as I get home, probably been smoking to much lately.
See ya
