Venting no matter how good the day is I still want to CTB

[apearl]

I have been doing actually pretty well recently, I usually never have good days, only bad or meh days, but yesterday and today where pretty nice. I got to hangout with my friend for some hours, go on a couple nice walks, and watch stuff I wanted to watch.

But I can't help but notice that even in the happiest times of my life, I still want to die. I still regret not killing myself sooner. It's weird. I am happy, I had a fulfilling day, and it makes no change to how suicidal I am. I think I may never loose my suicidal ideation.

Is anyone else like this?

 

[LostLily]

Same. Even if my life is stable and I have good friends I can't scratch this suicidal itch. It ebbs and flows.

 

[ButterflyKilled]

I am living great days, my life is going very well, I have many opportunities for future (soon, some weeks), but I wanna CTB in one of first months or next year.
I can understand you totally and still don't understand how strong is the feeling.

But I noticed I have some troubles that particularly disturb me every time I feel excited or happy enough to keep living. Maybe you can recognize and treat them. Maybe you can have a better life, I wish you the best.

 

[apearl]

But I noticed I have some troubles that particularly disturb me every time I feel excited or happy enough to keep living. Maybe you can recognize and treat them. Maybe you can have a better life, I wish you the best.

Thank you for this, it is very sweet of you. I hope you can find a way out of this too.