stardewwindceres
Member
- Oct 2, 2025
- 13
Hi everyone! Thank you for letting me be here! I just found out about the existence of this site a few days ago and decided to try to join. I was trying to talk in the suicide watch thread on Reddit, but you get the usual responses, " don't do it", "life will get better", "you're just looking for attention" you know the drill. I'm glad this site is different. I am not that person. It's your life, only you know what you feel like and what is in your head, only you should make your own decisions. I will be 40 on Oct. 22. I have been depressed since I was a teenager, developed anorexia, which I have never truly recovered from, it has been like an addiction cycle, stop the behaviors, relapse when shit goes south, stop for *insert reason here*, relapse, etc. My depression is treatment-resistant, I've been on every class of drug, tried ECT, TMS, most recently- ketamine therapy- which I have stopped as of last month because I was one of the lucky few it did not work for. So, I made a new CTB plan. I have tried before, ODs- one that almost worked. I have been almost died from anorexia-related health probems too. I never wanted to live this long. About 11-12 years ago, I had a psychotic episode that landed me in the hospital and my doctor at the time recommended that I apply for social security disability (live in the United States) and I was approved. My 20s are a big blurry mess of drugs-induced self-medication. Anyway, I finally had a decent job and lived with the one person who I considered a friend (that friend is not my friend anymore- but she's right not to be. I was an awful friend. I was so depressed I just turned my phone off all the time. She deserved better) t I was so depressed I was not going to work, not there even when I was there. Anyway, the disability money was not enough for me to pay rent and take care of my dog and all of the other "life" stuff, , so I did the only thing I could because she is the only other person left, my mother. The person I hate most, but still talked too. But I had no idea what to do. And at that point, all I wanted was a bed to lay in and never get out of. And I knew, especially since my sister married and moved away, she would love to get her hands on me again and manipulate and control me in every possible way she could think of (I was right). even though I didn't have much to begin with, but now I have nothing. She has taken away my transportation. She hides my keys in her safe and always keeps the key on her. The gun is in the safe. That was my original plan, but I have only ever been able to get my hands on that key once, and that was before she got a gun. And ofc she found out- she had hidden cameras, which I should have assumed but I didn't. I hate that my answer is right downstairs sitting in a frickin metal box.
Ok this kind of got off track. Anyway, I have relapsed with my eating disorder many many times over the years, especially since I moved in with my mother. I've been through enoough trauma therapy to realize it's a trigger response for when I feel out of control and also a form of self harm. I relapsed again a few months ago. This time has been pretty bad, I've lost about 50 lbs in 4 months. I'm old now, so the effects on m health are starting to show up more quickly. Today is the date of my CTB plan. And yesterday, A big wrench got thrown right into it. My mother and I hadn't been speaking after a major fight, I won't explain it, but she was not in good form and all the word-twisting and gaslighting and lying she did, it just didn't work. And I left the house and walked. Eventually I came back, but since then. So yesterday, our paths crossed in the house and she told me she went back tot the heart doctor and the meds she was on were actually working for her blood pressure and that SHE MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A PSYCHIATRIST. She has always refused to do this. She always blames a everything on everyone else, she has no problems, she's always right, the usual Narcissist shit. They never think anything is wrong them or the way that act or react. I agreed to talk to her as long as the conversation remained about her, and it did. She admitted a few things that she has never before.
Now, there a huge red letters and siren going through my head not to get my hopes and and not to trust her, she is likely just going so she can start sentences with "My psychtriast says that I do this because of that and I can't help it so it's fine" or she is just going to flat out lie or embellish to him, or manipulated him, like why all of sudden is she willing to talk to a psychiatrist. She said something about how she hasn't processed the death of my grandparents', which is actually true, but. While I agree she does need help, I just don't trust her.
This is where the wrench came into my plan. Because after months, I let her talk to me. And I talked back. Now, she is being nice and she keeps talk to me. Calling up to my room, expecting me to answer. My plan hinges on me needing at least 12 hrs, as many as possible ideally, being uninterruped. Today is the day I get my Valium prescription renewed, which when added to my stash- brings me up to 600 mg and also my Propranolol (the most toxic beta-blocker to OD on) prescription which would bring it to 4000 mg. Add into that my failing health and that fact that I've done my research and with a dose of Propranolol that high- the main factor in surviving is the time between ingestion and treatment- and the Valium will help with respiratory depression and anxiety and unconciousness, even the Propranolol crosses the blood/brain barrier and causes seizures and coma (my mood stabilizer is and anti-seizure med and also benzos are used to prevent seizures so theres's a good chance I'm covered there.)
I know this plan is not fool-proof or guaranteed. It's likely to work and it's what I have. But my stupid ass got set up and didn't even realize it until it was too late. Now she is talking to me again. And if she calls up here and I don't answer, well, maybe she'll think I'm just sleeping, but when we weren't talking, well this would have been a lot easier to pull off. Oh yeah, I have a dog too. I have been planning this around the time she sleep downstairs with my mom vs. upstairs with me (and she has to go outside, which involves barking if she nudges me and doesn't get a response) but I had that part handled.
The Propranolol I get a 3 month supply at time- I don't take it everyday, just when my anxiety symptoms get overwhelming, but I won't get any extra for 3 more months. The Valium I do take every day, not as many as I am prescribed, but if I don't do it in a week or so- there's no point, waiting until next month for more would be better. Except I don't want to live to be 40. I feel like I was supposed to die the first time I attempted when I was in a coma for 3 days and woke up. I was 24. I was supposed to die then.
So, now I am reevaluating. I am already killing myself slowly. Soon enough I'll land in the ER with some kind of health issue. A liver that isn't functioning correctly, a heart issue, something caused my malnutrition. But that comes with its own problems. It's early in the month- I could take an uber to a hotel when I get my scripts later (guess who is picking them up?) I could probaby get it back to the way it was, us not talking and get at least 12 or so hours without interruption- but I don't know what that will take- I guess I'll just have to look for opportunities. Or I should could just take my punishment and wait it out until I die from however I am going to die anyway. I'm always helping it along, of course.
I'm sorry I'm new here and already wrote a long, unproofread, disjointed rant about whatever this is about. It probably makes no sense. Anyway, I'm here if anyone wants to talk or anything. Like literally, I haven't left the house except for my former Ketamine appointments that were once a week and take my dog outside in years. Like literally. All I do is sedate myself to sleep, watch tv, play video games, stare at the walls and cry, and smoke. So I'm suuuuuper busy.
Anyway, if you got this far, you are a saint, thanks for reading.
Ok this kind of got off track. Anyway, I have relapsed with my eating disorder many many times over the years, especially since I moved in with my mother. I've been through enoough trauma therapy to realize it's a trigger response for when I feel out of control and also a form of self harm. I relapsed again a few months ago. This time has been pretty bad, I've lost about 50 lbs in 4 months. I'm old now, so the effects on m health are starting to show up more quickly. Today is the date of my CTB plan. And yesterday, A big wrench got thrown right into it. My mother and I hadn't been speaking after a major fight, I won't explain it, but she was not in good form and all the word-twisting and gaslighting and lying she did, it just didn't work. And I left the house and walked. Eventually I came back, but since then. So yesterday, our paths crossed in the house and she told me she went back tot the heart doctor and the meds she was on were actually working for her blood pressure and that SHE MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A PSYCHIATRIST. She has always refused to do this. She always blames a everything on everyone else, she has no problems, she's always right, the usual Narcissist shit. They never think anything is wrong them or the way that act or react. I agreed to talk to her as long as the conversation remained about her, and it did. She admitted a few things that she has never before.
Now, there a huge red letters and siren going through my head not to get my hopes and and not to trust her, she is likely just going so she can start sentences with "My psychtriast says that I do this because of that and I can't help it so it's fine" or she is just going to flat out lie or embellish to him, or manipulated him, like why all of sudden is she willing to talk to a psychiatrist. She said something about how she hasn't processed the death of my grandparents', which is actually true, but. While I agree she does need help, I just don't trust her.
This is where the wrench came into my plan. Because after months, I let her talk to me. And I talked back. Now, she is being nice and she keeps talk to me. Calling up to my room, expecting me to answer. My plan hinges on me needing at least 12 hrs, as many as possible ideally, being uninterruped. Today is the day I get my Valium prescription renewed, which when added to my stash- brings me up to 600 mg and also my Propranolol (the most toxic beta-blocker to OD on) prescription which would bring it to 4000 mg. Add into that my failing health and that fact that I've done my research and with a dose of Propranolol that high- the main factor in surviving is the time between ingestion and treatment- and the Valium will help with respiratory depression and anxiety and unconciousness, even the Propranolol crosses the blood/brain barrier and causes seizures and coma (my mood stabilizer is and anti-seizure med and also benzos are used to prevent seizures so theres's a good chance I'm covered there.)
I know this plan is not fool-proof or guaranteed. It's likely to work and it's what I have. But my stupid ass got set up and didn't even realize it until it was too late. Now she is talking to me again. And if she calls up here and I don't answer, well, maybe she'll think I'm just sleeping, but when we weren't talking, well this would have been a lot easier to pull off. Oh yeah, I have a dog too. I have been planning this around the time she sleep downstairs with my mom vs. upstairs with me (and she has to go outside, which involves barking if she nudges me and doesn't get a response) but I had that part handled.
The Propranolol I get a 3 month supply at time- I don't take it everyday, just when my anxiety symptoms get overwhelming, but I won't get any extra for 3 more months. The Valium I do take every day, not as many as I am prescribed, but if I don't do it in a week or so- there's no point, waiting until next month for more would be better. Except I don't want to live to be 40. I feel like I was supposed to die the first time I attempted when I was in a coma for 3 days and woke up. I was 24. I was supposed to die then.
So, now I am reevaluating. I am already killing myself slowly. Soon enough I'll land in the ER with some kind of health issue. A liver that isn't functioning correctly, a heart issue, something caused my malnutrition. But that comes with its own problems. It's early in the month- I could take an uber to a hotel when I get my scripts later (guess who is picking them up?) I could probaby get it back to the way it was, us not talking and get at least 12 or so hours without interruption- but I don't know what that will take- I guess I'll just have to look for opportunities. Or I should could just take my punishment and wait it out until I die from however I am going to die anyway. I'm always helping it along, of course.
I'm sorry I'm new here and already wrote a long, unproofread, disjointed rant about whatever this is about. It probably makes no sense. Anyway, I'm here if anyone wants to talk or anything. Like literally, I haven't left the house except for my former Ketamine appointments that were once a week and take my dog outside in years. Like literally. All I do is sedate myself to sleep, watch tv, play video games, stare at the walls and cry, and smoke. So I'm suuuuuper busy.
Anyway, if you got this far, you are a saint, thanks for reading.
