No one can explain to you your own situation. Furthermore we dont know the details of your situation nor your illness. It is quite possible it is exactly how you say or it is quite possible you experience things differently than what actually is.
Regardless this is not a place to find answers per say. It is a place to be used as a resource in combination with all the resources that you have in your life.
Your best bet is to read, learn, talk or whatever you think will help your situation. However you choose to use this site is up to you.
However, I still think you should focus on contacting your professional care team. Threatening violence against caretakers is a serious matter. I don't know anyone here that is able to be supportive in a way that would serve your highest and best interest given those facts.
This is neutral advice that I would give to anyone in this situation regardless of who it is.
Take care of yourself please and dont give up...
