Venting New here, don't really know what i'll do with myself, rant

[not-real]

I have had suicidal ideation for quite a while now. The thought of killing myself crosses my mind most days. I remember having bad thoughts as far back as elementary school. It was a small private school, maybe 15 kids max in my grade, I felt like everyone hated me and i remember being very irritable and angry. Things got better after I left that school, I dont remember struggling trough middle school. I haven't been the same since 2020 2021 ish whenever everything first started shutting down because of the coronavirus. Its like this wave of self hatered hit me hard and I havent been able to shake it off. I bearly have a life outside of work and gym. I have a small friend group but we bearly do shit together anymore becuase of work or nobody just feels like it. I am 20 years old and have never been in a relationship, I have zero female friends. I feel like whenever I make eye contact with a girl thier smile instantly wipes away from their face. I am super shy and shit I am afraid to approach anybody to make a move. I started a new job a couple of months ago working on simi trucks, the sense of accomplishment I once felt when I completed a repair quickly fadded away. I really want to get to where I can find a job far away from this dogshit ass city I live in and start a new life. Or maybe Ill tell everyone I know to go fuck themselves and end myself.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Sounds like you still need to do a lot of introspection and some deep reflection to figure out what you want/need to do. There's no hurry. You have a lifetime to figure it out if need be.

 

[genie]

Welcome! Your experience in school sounds similar to mine..Since you are on this site, what's the harm in trying to ask out women and building up confidence.. You might be rejected, but each rejection will sting less. When you make eye contact make sure you smile, but look like you don't give a what they think. It will help.