Knives_14
Love & Peace
- May 8, 2026
- 44
Hey SaSu, i'm finally making my first post, how are you? =]
(I'm not a native english speaker and i despise AI so please forgive my typos ._.)
I'm here to share a tune with you but i figured i'd introduce myself first =]
Needless to say after reading a lot of your stories i felt like mine wasn't worth sharing, but at the same time i've seen how thoughtful and nonjudgmental this community can be.
So what started as a "musical hug" quickly became an introduction/venting post, i guess i needed that huh? =]
Every chapter of my story has the title of a song from the same album of the one i'm about to share with you. I hold this record very dear, and as I mentioned earlier, i could not show you more love if not by sharing it with you =]
And as Vash would always say..
Peace & Love.
(I'm not a native english speaker and i despise AI so please forgive my typos ._.)
I'm here to share a tune with you but i figured i'd introduce myself first =]
Hi! I'm Knives and at first it was pain that led my fingers on the keyboard, i'm an only child who lost his dad at 7 and grew up mostly by myself.
My mother worked her ass off to give me a decent shot at this life, but that meant she was barely at home and i spent most of my time on my own usually playing some instrument. I remember getting my first set of keys of my house at 10 so i could go home after school and spend the afternoon (not) studying all by myself.
I didn't attend my father's funeral because i've been living most my life in denial and instead of dealing and processing my trauma i tend to evade, to run, to turn off my brain and think about something else. I told mom i didn't want to go and she said ok (we both agreed years later that it was an obvious mistake on both parts)
During this time i started to develop my coping mechanisms to try and compensate: i've developed nervous tics, started to smoke weed at 13, attended lots of raves and with them i've done a lot of drugs.. fun times!
This led to an inevitable depression that crept very quickly around my 20s the moment i started to "slow down", mostly induced by being stoned the fuck out of my mind every day. As if by stopping i could finallythink spiral into my darker thoughts.
I flunk out two years in high school because i didn't give a shit about school, i only liked some subjects like english and philosophy, but most of the times i didn't go in and instead went to parks with my friends to smoke weed and fuck around.
My mother worked her ass off to give me a decent shot at this life, but that meant she was barely at home and i spent most of my time on my own usually playing some instrument. I remember getting my first set of keys of my house at 10 so i could go home after school and spend the afternoon (not) studying all by myself.
I didn't attend my father's funeral because i've been living most my life in denial and instead of dealing and processing my trauma i tend to evade, to run, to turn off my brain and think about something else. I told mom i didn't want to go and she said ok (we both agreed years later that it was an obvious mistake on both parts)
During this time i started to develop my coping mechanisms to try and compensate: i've developed nervous tics, started to smoke weed at 13, attended lots of raves and with them i've done a lot of drugs.. fun times!
This led to an inevitable depression that crept very quickly around my 20s the moment i started to "slow down", mostly induced by being stoned the fuck out of my mind every day. As if by stopping i could finally
I flunk out two years in high school because i didn't give a shit about school, i only liked some subjects like english and philosophy, but most of the times i didn't go in and instead went to parks with my friends to smoke weed and fuck around.
Speaking of friends in this period of my life, i chose my new family since i basically hadn't one. My friends became my family and I found my 4 horsemen.
My absolute closest friends that i cherish and put before me to this day.
I've been sharing everything with the boys, got so close with one of them that i consider him truly a brother. They helped me in starting to process my pain but most importantly to UNDERSTAND why at times i behave in certain ways. We've gone through a lot of shit, good and bad, and always came out together wolfpack strong.
It was the best period of my life, all my loneliness was gone together with my nervous tics and i looked up to every single day, wondering what stupid shit i would have done with the boys later that day.
With one of my 4 friends, I'll call him Vash (if you don't know trigun, do yourself a favor and check it out =]), i got like nothing in common except for our love for music.
My absolute closest friends that i cherish and put before me to this day.
I've been sharing everything with the boys, got so close with one of them that i consider him truly a brother. They helped me in starting to process my pain but most importantly to UNDERSTAND why at times i behave in certain ways. We've gone through a lot of shit, good and bad, and always came out together wolfpack strong.
It was the best period of my life, all my loneliness was gone together with my nervous tics and i looked up to every single day, wondering what stupid shit i would have done with the boys later that day.
With one of my 4 friends, I'll call him Vash (if you don't know trigun, do yourself a favor and check it out =]), i got like nothing in common except for our love for music.
If you chatted with me here you've probably seen that i constantly blab about music, it's an obsession that i suspected many times in my life it could be a sign of me being on the spectrum lol. Like, i'm not exaggerating, there's ALWAYS music playing in my head, and when i'm not talking 9 times out of 10 you could find me tapping rythms with my hands.
My mom told me that i used to be "humming" to mozart when i was MONTHS old, and even then if there was music playing i'd tap my hands on the table to follow the rythm.
I started playing instruments when i was 3 and i'm now proficient with most of them. Growing up i always had bands, went to music school, got my degree and i now teach music for a living.
I am dead serious when I say that music is the sole reason that gives me the strength/will to carry on.
I have not yet mentioned that i'm not actively suicidal, i've had my thoughts in the past but luckily i've never found myself thinking that it was my only answer.
That plus music's help kept me pushing through.. although trust me when I say that if I were to become deaf i would seriously consider it.
Shit I'm no beethoven, i could never go on like that, but I digress.
What I'm trying to say here is that to me everything that revolves around music is sacred, the most interesting and important thing there is.
Sharing music to me is one of the most intimate things I could do, i pay a lot of attention to other people's music tastes and i try to nail every single suggestion.
Whenever i get that smile, that feeling of discovery something so beautiful… there's nothing that hits me that hard, i fucking love it and i'll keep looking for that feeling forever.
My mom told me that i used to be "humming" to mozart when i was MONTHS old, and even then if there was music playing i'd tap my hands on the table to follow the rythm.
I started playing instruments when i was 3 and i'm now proficient with most of them. Growing up i always had bands, went to music school, got my degree and i now teach music for a living.
I am dead serious when I say that music is the sole reason that gives me the strength/will to carry on.
I have not yet mentioned that i'm not actively suicidal, i've had my thoughts in the past but luckily i've never found myself thinking that it was my only answer.
That plus music's help kept me pushing through.. although trust me when I say that if I were to become deaf i would seriously consider it.
Shit I'm no beethoven, i could never go on like that, but I digress.
What I'm trying to say here is that to me everything that revolves around music is sacred, the most interesting and important thing there is.
Sharing music to me is one of the most intimate things I could do, i pay a lot of attention to other people's music tastes and i try to nail every single suggestion.
Whenever i get that smile, that feeling of discovery something so beautiful… there's nothing that hits me that hard, i fucking love it and i'll keep looking for that feeling forever.
Vash and I grew up tight as hell, even though we were very different I started to introduce him to a lot of music genres that he grew to love.
I was the typical punk/metalhead edgy cunt with a leather jacket while he would wear designer clothes… and yet you could find us both headbanging to pantera, or dancing to techno at some club/rave.
He was the first person that interrupted my cycle of loneliness since he started to visit me on a daily basis. The infinite afternoons i spent all by myself became something i looked forward to, cause i knew he would bring his ass and that we would have spent all day on my drumset.
Years go by, we all grew up and we all started to attend our universities. With that we started to slightly drift away as a group.
Don't get me wrong, every time we would meet it was like no time had passed, but I think it's normal to meet new people and to create new bonds especially around our late 20s.
Few years ago I hadn't heard from Vash in a bit so we talked on the phone and shoot the shit, updating each other on our latest failures/accomplishments. He sounded great, said how eager he was to introduce me to his gf, he was so excited when I told him that there was a new band i wanted him to listen. It's been a while since we talked or listened to some music so we hung up our call on a happy but nostalgic note, promising each other we would meet with the whole squad on the weekend.
That was the last time I've heard from him, the next day Vash hung himself to the ceiling with a fucking chain.
I was the typical punk/metalhead edgy cunt with a leather jacket while he would wear designer clothes… and yet you could find us both headbanging to pantera, or dancing to techno at some club/rave.
He was the first person that interrupted my cycle of loneliness since he started to visit me on a daily basis. The infinite afternoons i spent all by myself became something i looked forward to, cause i knew he would bring his ass and that we would have spent all day on my drumset.
Years go by, we all grew up and we all started to attend our universities. With that we started to slightly drift away as a group.
Don't get me wrong, every time we would meet it was like no time had passed, but I think it's normal to meet new people and to create new bonds especially around our late 20s.
Few years ago I hadn't heard from Vash in a bit so we talked on the phone and shoot the shit, updating each other on our latest failures/accomplishments. He sounded great, said how eager he was to introduce me to his gf, he was so excited when I told him that there was a new band i wanted him to listen. It's been a while since we talked or listened to some music so we hung up our call on a happy but nostalgic note, promising each other we would meet with the whole squad on the weekend.
That was the last time I've heard from him, the next day Vash hung himself to the ceiling with a fucking chain.
My life after Vash's passing has been rocked to the core, me and my friends will never be the same, and that's a fact.
My first reaction was absolute pain and depression, i could not believe it, he was my complete opposite… with a loving family and a beautiful life. I could not for the life of me understand why the fuck he would do something like this.
How naive i was, i almost cringe thinking about it.
In the following years i dove slowly in the depth of mental health, and as i'm still trying to cope i discovered SaSu (yeah it was with that tantacruel video but i didn't buy the bullshit for a second and i was right).
That finally brings us with why tf i'm here.
I'm here because i still try to understand what went through vash's head at the time, i realized that his pain must have been unbearable and that the "prolife" rethoric is complete bullshit. I'm now convinced that even if I was aware, things would have gone the same way, but i fuckin wish I could have helped.
I wish he could have vented to me, i wish i could have said to him how much I respected him as a person, and that he shouldn't have felt no shame in deciding what he decides.
I still cry thinking how alone he must have felt in his last moments.
Never again i swore, the moment i discovered SaSu i started to lurk here for months and i've read a lot of your stories. My heart ached at every single one but at the same time I'm not so full of myself to think shit like "I CAN HELP", and that's why i was reluctant in signing up. It was one specific story from a user that actually brought me here, that made me say "fuck it" (you know who you are, and if you're reading this I hope you're feeling better
).
Even though I'm no one, even though i am far from perfect and full of flaws, i couldn't shake off this feeling of helplessness. I want to try and help, to lend you an ear, to suggest some music and maybe try to bring a smile when you thought you hadn't none left.
Id like to try and lighten your darkest moments just as I would have done with Vash.
My first reaction was absolute pain and depression, i could not believe it, he was my complete opposite… with a loving family and a beautiful life. I could not for the life of me understand why the fuck he would do something like this.
How naive i was, i almost cringe thinking about it.
In the following years i dove slowly in the depth of mental health, and as i'm still trying to cope i discovered SaSu (yeah it was with that tantacruel video but i didn't buy the bullshit for a second and i was right).
That finally brings us with why tf i'm here.
I'm here because i still try to understand what went through vash's head at the time, i realized that his pain must have been unbearable and that the "prolife" rethoric is complete bullshit. I'm now convinced that even if I was aware, things would have gone the same way, but i fuckin wish I could have helped.
I wish he could have vented to me, i wish i could have said to him how much I respected him as a person, and that he shouldn't have felt no shame in deciding what he decides.
I still cry thinking how alone he must have felt in his last moments.
Never again i swore, the moment i discovered SaSu i started to lurk here for months and i've read a lot of your stories. My heart ached at every single one but at the same time I'm not so full of myself to think shit like "I CAN HELP", and that's why i was reluctant in signing up. It was one specific story from a user that actually brought me here, that made me say "fuck it" (you know who you are, and if you're reading this I hope you're feeling better
).Even though I'm no one, even though i am far from perfect and full of flaws, i couldn't shake off this feeling of helplessness. I want to try and help, to lend you an ear, to suggest some music and maybe try to bring a smile when you thought you hadn't none left.
Id like to try and lighten your darkest moments just as I would have done with Vash.
Needless to say after reading a lot of your stories i felt like mine wasn't worth sharing, but at the same time i've seen how thoughtful and nonjudgmental this community can be.
So what started as a "musical hug" quickly became an introduction/venting post, i guess i needed that huh? =]
Every chapter of my story has the title of a song from the same album of the one i'm about to share with you. I hold this record very dear, and as I mentioned earlier, i could not show you more love if not by sharing it with you =]
And as Vash would always say..
Peace & Love.
Running from yourself now
Can't hear what you're told
Never let your guard down
Anywhere you go
In the right place
At the right time
And still you sink into the floor
It's never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Love
Never enough
Never enough
It's never enough
Love
Running from yourself now
Can't hear what you're told
Never let your guard down
Anywhere you go
In the right place
At the right time
And still you sink into the floor
It's never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Love
Never enough
Never enough
It's never enough
Love
It's never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Love
Never enough
Never enough
It's never enough
Love
Can't hear what you're told
Never let your guard down
Anywhere you go
In the right place
At the right time
And still you sink into the floor
It's never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Love
Never enough
Never enough
It's never enough
Love
Running from yourself now
Can't hear what you're told
Never let your guard down
Anywhere you go
In the right place
At the right time
And still you sink into the floor
It's never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Love
Never enough
Never enough
It's never enough
Love
It's never enough
Never enough
Never enough
Love
Never enough
Never enough
It's never enough
Love
