Help Need help on how to suppress feelings to live up to my given duties

[TokaNoOwari]

I am writing this because a dignified suicide is, for the foreseeable future, challenging or near impossible. I am looking for some very specific advice on mental discipline and self-management.

I want to start by saying how genuinely grateful I am for the life I have been given. I am fully aware of the privileges I have, like being spared from the stress of a career, financial instability, or the daily grind that many people my age have to endure. I really do value the protection and the comfortable environment my family and my husband provide for me. However, I find myself struggling with the internal side of my responsibilities.

My life is very traditional, and my role is strictly defined, and I know for a fact that there is no simple path for me to leave this marriage, perhaps not even in my lifetime. Because this is my permanent reality, I want to learn how to be more effective at suppressing my own personal sentiments and dreams so they don't interfere with my duties. I hope such a question is compliant with the forums' current ruleset.

Lately, I have found that having quite a bit of free time and no actual remaining in-person friendships causes my mind to wander too much. It makes it harder to stay focused on being the person I need to be. I want to avoid the sting of disappointment that comes when I am not in line with what is expected of me.

Does anyone have experience with successfully quieting their own personality to better serve a traditional role? How do you keep your thoughts from drifting toward things that aren't possible for you, and how do you stay motivated to keep your focus entirely on the needs of your household, with more grace and less internal conflict?

 

[TokaNoOwari]

In hindsight, this might not be the right forum for such specific questions of mine (⁠*⁠﹏⁠*⁠;⁠)

 

[Mio_Kamimachi]

i know you are most likely gone. i am leaving this for anyone else stuck waiting for a way out. you just need to survive the days until you find your real exit. i hope nobody ever needs this advice but maybe it can save a life.

when you are forced to do your duties, you can let your mind take a quiet break. you find a stain on the wallpaper or a crack in the ceiling. you lock your eyes on it and let your vision go blurry until the room disappears. you make yourself go completely deaf. you become a ghost watching a stranger do the chores. the physical meat handles the awful parts, while the real you hides somewhere safe in your head. you do not have to be fully present for the parts that hurt.

try to look at your daily life as a simple trade. you do the work they expect, and in return you get a safe roof and warm food. it is just a temporary job to keep you secure while you plan your future. if you stop expecting fairness from this trade, the disappointment hurts a lot less. you do not have to give them your whole heart.

free time can make the waiting feel worse. you need to keep your brain busy so the silence does not get too loud. find movies, music or videos to watch. find a passion in making playlists or drawing or whatever you love. anything to keep your mind occupied works. if the thoughts get too heavy try listening to brown noise. it really helps drown out the panic. use the noise to kill the silence before the silence kills you.

holding onto hope while you are trapped will only exhaust you and it is okay to let the numbness completely swallow you. going cold and apathetic is how your brain keeps you from screaming. it is okay to let yourself go numb for now. fighting the apathy takes up too much energy. you can just accept the routine and let the quiet take over. you are just resting your heart to protect yourself. keep your energy safe until you can finally walk away.

you should also keep tiny secrets just for yourself. maybe it is a song you only listen to when you are alone, or a small drawing you hide away. having something that belongs strictly to you gives you a tiny piece of freedom. they do not own your whole world. you still have a corner that is just yours. protect this side of you and don't lose your real personality completely. keep it safely hidden for when YOU need it.

be gentle with your physical body when no one is watching. take an extra long warm shower or wrap yourself in a heavy blanket. just sit on the floor and breathe. give yourself permission to exist without serving anyone else for a few minutes. those tiny pockets of rest are how you survive the longest days. if everyone else is awful to you, you have to be the one who gives yourself a break. one day you will walk out of that house and never look back. you are doing a good job just staying alive. please stick around to see what it feels like to finally be free. don't let those assholes win!