Lamentice
Schizoid
- Mar 27, 2023
- 188
This just a letter to someone I don't speak to anymore, an emotional/anger dump. Sometimes it feels better to send it out where it can be seen and understood, if anyone reads this and can relate feel free to talk about what happened in your experience, I'd like to read.
"I--as I made clear--was never intent on pursuing you anyway. And our friendship was so damn turbulent, which is why I tried to leave once before, but I had already invested so much labor and time and emotions into this connection that it had resulted in an asymmetrical intimacy, which made it difficult for me to walk away even knowing that was healthiest for me--and also contributed to me developing a crush. I mean you're significantly older, you should've handled this better, you shouldn't have been relying on me for emotional labor that intensely, and you shouldn't have been using my resources like that without ever returning an ounce of the same care and attentiveness back (and then using excuses about learned passivity and lack of capacity to explain why you were never available as a safe person to me), you're in your 30's, you should know better. And hey, no offense, I by no means think of you as a predator, YOU'RE NOT, but--why are you even friends with anyone under 24.. maybe because you haven't grown up yourself? And I don't think you have, really. You seem self reflective and aware, but you're also one of those women who lives in perpetual victimhood and sucks all the emotional depth out of other people's reservoirs. And I have met sooo many women just like you now, fuck sake, almost everyone, just repeated over and over like only the same handful of molds of humans exist: always ambiguous, always inconsistent, becomes enmeshed with people who are abusive, but is wholly unavailable to the people who put in actual care. And I get it, it's a trauma thing, but... you're in your 30's, grow up.... And I know, I was also inconsistent, but I wasn't unavailable, I believe I was too available. I've met this same mold so many times I've lost empathy, because damn, you guys can't take care of yourself?
You know there are people who don't have a choice? You know that when I was younger I would internally beg for someone to be as present for me as I've been for other people, engage me in long conversations, help me mull stuff over, comfort me, talk to me, ask questions, be invested, all that nice stuff. I never received what I gave: from anyone. I thought if I showed up again and again for people like you until I was zapped for all I was worth, one of them would be my friend like I needed, or see me for once in my life, and know about me, and remember, and ask questions. Because you certainly expressed more depth & sincerity than most people in the world, but it wasn't a stable, reciprocal kind, it was the instable, overflowing, self-centralized kind. And it burns because I saw you push and ask and be invested in and try with other people, but when I tested the waters for your availability to be apart of a support system for me too, it was "I'm just always afraid to pry," "I never know if I'm crossing a boundary," "I feel like you find me annoying," "
". And at this point in hindsight those excuses are so absurd given the asymmetry of our friendship. And I know you know that you were full of shit because you were guilty, and why would you be guilty if you believed our friendship was fair? You admitted your own guilt to me multiple times and then you'd pretend like you wanted to show up for me, but then I'd send you something small--not really that intimate or close to home for me--just to see how you'd show up, and you didn't, or you barely did, with hug emoji's and an "I'm sorry"; if I remember correctly, one time you just straight up said you weren't capable of being there right now. Fine. I never said that to you, even though plenty of times I was deep within my own wounds and struggling.. not that you knew, that's my fault though, I should've just stopped showing up.
I resent you, and everyone like you, I really fucking do. And yes, I know that's my problem.
Because, even though you don't fucking know because you don't really know anything about me except the aesthetic experimentation and exploration I was having as a 19-year-old. I was kicked out by my parents as a minor after being abused my whole adolescence/childhood living with them, then I was living with men who threatened me, I am estranged and have no family but the 2 half-siblings I reconnected with who--fucking not even your business, but they'd never help me, I'd sooner be homeless and then dead before someone reported me missing, I was looking for chosen family in the queer community but had the disappointment of realizing there isn't really a community at all, just a bunch of in-fighting, behavior policing, victimhood, and just a whole rats nest of weird, disgusting behavior that everyone ignores or justifies. Do those wounds sound familiar? Maybe that's why I got so invested in you, cause you seemed like someone who had carried that same pain and knew what it felt like, maybe I could have felt seen, just a little bit, and then I wasn't. You never asked a question, you never remembered, you never knew... not even simple things, you couldn't even remember what state I live in, even though you had access to my address and I had told you, and you still asked if I was in X, Y, Z state cause you got a call or something and apparently don't have caller-ID, I don't even know.
I was almost homeless countless times, I had to be loaned money or rely on sketchy situations temporarily. But I took care of myself because I was the only one who was gonna do it, I didn't trust people, I remained self-contained, I don't have vulnerability like you... and that was learned. I lived alone by 19, in my own apartment, "Oh how impressive!".. I can't even begin to explain... I'm proud of myself, and profoundly alone in a way I don't think you understand. People like you still slip through the cracks and still get all the attention and resources, you don't even have to work, you have friends who would house you.. you have people who listen to you.. you have partners who take care of you, and you're still a victim. I did all my shit alone as a teenager... and now I'm so grossly independent and high-functioning that no one will ever give a shit, because I did it already, I saved myself already, what do I need? Nothing. Absolutely nothing and nobody, and it appears to me that my brain has severed my ability to connect or empathize with others anymore.. so that's just the final way it is.
Whatever. Good luck to you, and never reach out to me again. I don't need you. And I am not gonna be available to anyone like that again, I've taken care of myself, I'm done, I hate people, I'm done with them, the community, all of it, I barely participate anymore. Good luck, lose my info. People like you deserve EACH OTHER, I didn't deserve you. I don't deserve to be alone, but I am, whatever."
"I--as I made clear--was never intent on pursuing you anyway. And our friendship was so damn turbulent, which is why I tried to leave once before, but I had already invested so much labor and time and emotions into this connection that it had resulted in an asymmetrical intimacy, which made it difficult for me to walk away even knowing that was healthiest for me--and also contributed to me developing a crush. I mean you're significantly older, you should've handled this better, you shouldn't have been relying on me for emotional labor that intensely, and you shouldn't have been using my resources like that without ever returning an ounce of the same care and attentiveness back (and then using excuses about learned passivity and lack of capacity to explain why you were never available as a safe person to me), you're in your 30's, you should know better. And hey, no offense, I by no means think of you as a predator, YOU'RE NOT, but--why are you even friends with anyone under 24.. maybe because you haven't grown up yourself? And I don't think you have, really. You seem self reflective and aware, but you're also one of those women who lives in perpetual victimhood and sucks all the emotional depth out of other people's reservoirs. And I have met sooo many women just like you now, fuck sake, almost everyone, just repeated over and over like only the same handful of molds of humans exist: always ambiguous, always inconsistent, becomes enmeshed with people who are abusive, but is wholly unavailable to the people who put in actual care. And I get it, it's a trauma thing, but... you're in your 30's, grow up.... And I know, I was also inconsistent, but I wasn't unavailable, I believe I was too available. I've met this same mold so many times I've lost empathy, because damn, you guys can't take care of yourself?
You know there are people who don't have a choice? You know that when I was younger I would internally beg for someone to be as present for me as I've been for other people, engage me in long conversations, help me mull stuff over, comfort me, talk to me, ask questions, be invested, all that nice stuff. I never received what I gave: from anyone. I thought if I showed up again and again for people like you until I was zapped for all I was worth, one of them would be my friend like I needed, or see me for once in my life, and know about me, and remember, and ask questions. Because you certainly expressed more depth & sincerity than most people in the world, but it wasn't a stable, reciprocal kind, it was the instable, overflowing, self-centralized kind. And it burns because I saw you push and ask and be invested in and try with other people, but when I tested the waters for your availability to be apart of a support system for me too, it was "I'm just always afraid to pry," "I never know if I'm crossing a boundary," "I feel like you find me annoying," "
". And at this point in hindsight those excuses are so absurd given the asymmetry of our friendship. And I know you know that you were full of shit because you were guilty, and why would you be guilty if you believed our friendship was fair? You admitted your own guilt to me multiple times and then you'd pretend like you wanted to show up for me, but then I'd send you something small--not really that intimate or close to home for me--just to see how you'd show up, and you didn't, or you barely did, with hug emoji's and an "I'm sorry"; if I remember correctly, one time you just straight up said you weren't capable of being there right now. Fine. I never said that to you, even though plenty of times I was deep within my own wounds and struggling.. not that you knew, that's my fault though, I should've just stopped showing up. I resent you, and everyone like you, I really fucking do. And yes, I know that's my problem.
Because, even though you don't fucking know because you don't really know anything about me except the aesthetic experimentation and exploration I was having as a 19-year-old. I was kicked out by my parents as a minor after being abused my whole adolescence/childhood living with them, then I was living with men who threatened me, I am estranged and have no family but the 2 half-siblings I reconnected with who--fucking not even your business, but they'd never help me, I'd sooner be homeless and then dead before someone reported me missing, I was looking for chosen family in the queer community but had the disappointment of realizing there isn't really a community at all, just a bunch of in-fighting, behavior policing, victimhood, and just a whole rats nest of weird, disgusting behavior that everyone ignores or justifies. Do those wounds sound familiar? Maybe that's why I got so invested in you, cause you seemed like someone who had carried that same pain and knew what it felt like, maybe I could have felt seen, just a little bit, and then I wasn't. You never asked a question, you never remembered, you never knew... not even simple things, you couldn't even remember what state I live in, even though you had access to my address and I had told you, and you still asked if I was in X, Y, Z state cause you got a call or something and apparently don't have caller-ID, I don't even know.
I was almost homeless countless times, I had to be loaned money or rely on sketchy situations temporarily. But I took care of myself because I was the only one who was gonna do it, I didn't trust people, I remained self-contained, I don't have vulnerability like you... and that was learned. I lived alone by 19, in my own apartment, "Oh how impressive!".. I can't even begin to explain... I'm proud of myself, and profoundly alone in a way I don't think you understand. People like you still slip through the cracks and still get all the attention and resources, you don't even have to work, you have friends who would house you.. you have people who listen to you.. you have partners who take care of you, and you're still a victim. I did all my shit alone as a teenager... and now I'm so grossly independent and high-functioning that no one will ever give a shit, because I did it already, I saved myself already, what do I need? Nothing. Absolutely nothing and nobody, and it appears to me that my brain has severed my ability to connect or empathize with others anymore.. so that's just the final way it is.
Whatever. Good luck to you, and never reach out to me again. I don't need you. And I am not gonna be available to anyone like that again, I've taken care of myself, I'm done, I hate people, I'm done with them, the community, all of it, I barely participate anymore. Good luck, lose my info. People like you deserve EACH OTHER, I didn't deserve you. I don't deserve to be alone, but I am, whatever."
