I have a plan, doing sn with meto and some cigs and pot. Have a cabin to myself for three nights. Going to take it the first morning and have a few days so I am not found. I am worried that the couple who own the big house by the cottage I am staying in will know something is up if I don't come out for three days. The blinds there are only thing gingham fabric. Is that a real risk?
Gonna vent about why I wanna cbt:
I just want to have the love I used to have with my soulmate. Nobody sees me like he does and no one is as fun and spontaneous and caring. I had a really intense relationship from 18-20 with him and I've known him forever (4.5yrs older than me ) he used alcohol and coke and just used the shit out of me too. Had me drive him around when he didn't have a license. Wouldn't let me work because he was anxious and paranoid. Told me there were intimate photos and videos of me online and that people in my tiny town had them to make me insecure. He told me it wasn't true but it still fucked with my head so bad. Made me take out three credit cards and maxed them out ruining my credit. Crashed my car, threatened to hurt himself w a knife to his neck, cut himself, smashed his head against stuff and yelled about how I am cheating unless I "proved my love" to him with sex or whatever he wanted at the moment.
I saw him 4yrs later and we tried to get back together but he didn't trust me bc I cheated back. It was after over a year of him accusing me of cheating on him and cheating on me twice (he missed 2 diffent people). I did cheat way worse than he did and I regret it everyday. I would also yell so bad at him. I reacted horribly towards the end of our first relationship when he made me have sex with him everyday and I couldn't go to work. I really physically hurt myself and him towards the end of our relationship. Got myself sectioned.
When we tried getting back together 4yrs later he couldn't hear about how he hurt me and how suicidal I am because of where I am in life because it made him feel guilty. He didn't do anything to hurt me this time. He thinks I am going to hurt him for the stuff he did to me. He told me he doesn't even want to trust me and that he doesn't think we are ever going to work out. I think he likes another girl, she looks like me and is a year younger but probably not as mentally and financially fucked.
He doesn't want me like he used to now he is sober and it hurts like hell. I built my whole life and world view around him and now he doesn't want anything to do with me. He destroyed my life and I let him.
I feel like I am the problem because I let him do all that. I'll never get his sweet attentive true amazing love again. He did so many sweet things for me that I know no one else would do and he could be so gentle and kind. I wish he would come back and love me like he used to but more and truer.
Gonna vent about why I wanna cbt:
I just want to have the love I used to have with my soulmate. Nobody sees me like he does and no one is as fun and spontaneous and caring. I had a really intense relationship from 18-20 with him and I've known him forever (4.5yrs older than me ) he used alcohol and coke and just used the shit out of me too. Had me drive him around when he didn't have a license. Wouldn't let me work because he was anxious and paranoid. Told me there were intimate photos and videos of me online and that people in my tiny town had them to make me insecure. He told me it wasn't true but it still fucked with my head so bad. Made me take out three credit cards and maxed them out ruining my credit. Crashed my car, threatened to hurt himself w a knife to his neck, cut himself, smashed his head against stuff and yelled about how I am cheating unless I "proved my love" to him with sex or whatever he wanted at the moment.
I saw him 4yrs later and we tried to get back together but he didn't trust me bc I cheated back. It was after over a year of him accusing me of cheating on him and cheating on me twice (he missed 2 diffent people). I did cheat way worse than he did and I regret it everyday. I would also yell so bad at him. I reacted horribly towards the end of our first relationship when he made me have sex with him everyday and I couldn't go to work. I really physically hurt myself and him towards the end of our relationship. Got myself sectioned.
When we tried getting back together 4yrs later he couldn't hear about how he hurt me and how suicidal I am because of where I am in life because it made him feel guilty. He didn't do anything to hurt me this time. He thinks I am going to hurt him for the stuff he did to me. He told me he doesn't even want to trust me and that he doesn't think we are ever going to work out. I think he likes another girl, she looks like me and is a year younger but probably not as mentally and financially fucked.
He doesn't want me like he used to now he is sober and it hurts like hell. I built my whole life and world view around him and now he doesn't want anything to do with me. He destroyed my life and I let him.
I feel like I am the problem because I let him do all that. I'll never get his sweet attentive true amazing love again. He did so many sweet things for me that I know no one else would do and he could be so gentle and kind. I wish he would come back and love me like he used to but more and truer.
