Help Need advice on dealing with self harm urges and triggers

[lainduster]

For some context I haven't self harmed since October of last year and before that I had quit for more than a year prior to that, with a tiny relapse inbetween. For the past few months I've had urges to relapse again but I've managed to hold them off by what feels like sheer luck and dissociating. I've become hollow and estranged to my feelings, even forgetting long periods of time and events. It feels like my brain is just putting a big fucking wall between what I know is important and then hitting me over the head with a bat. But then something seemingly miniscule and innocent happens and I guess that's what a "trigger" would be. I have never experienced triggers before so I'm not sure if it's the correct way of saying it. I cut my finger on accident recently and I completely spiraled out of control, started hyperventilating and thought that I had to ziptie my hands to stop myself from doing anything reckless. I "came to" after what felt like hours and forgot all about it. I had another bout with this when I smelled a metallic scent at home, the exact same as blood, for just a moment and had a surge of bad thoughts but managed to calm down a lot quicker, after which I again forgot about it.

I don't know if I can keep staying clean like this, especially with these "triggers" affecting me only recently and I can't think of a way to calm myself down if (or more likely when) it does happen again, or just dealing with urges in general. Also if anybody has a clue on what to do about the "forgetting" part I would appreciate it so so so so so so so much, I feel like an empty husk all of the time, like I'm not even "conscious", and I'm paranoid that I may have forgotten something really important, even though I constantly check on the things that matter to me more than anything else in the world.

I'm sorry for rambling and I'm sorry that this is so terribly written but right now I think it's the best I could manage. Any advice would be really really appreciated and if anybody has felt the same way or has similar stories I would really love to read them if you feel comfortable sharing :)

 

[Lions303]

Theres no need to apologize at all, and rambling/venting is more then welcome here Im sorry you feel like this but have been clean for a while now and think I can offer a perspective which I hope offers some guidance for you. First of all im proud of you for staying clean for so long, even factoring in the relapse over a 2 year period its impressive. What was life changing for me was asking myself 'can it wait until tomorrow?', its really hard to do trust me. Going in when the urges are strong to remind yourself you can always self harm tomorrow however that may be, it can always wait just one more day? I found early on the days were just filled (multiple times an hour) of urges, but one day turns to two, two to three, then days turns to weeks, weeks to months you kinda lose count to the point I cant remember how long its been tbh.I think your so close to being there to manage them really easily, as you recognize when the triggers come up (the hard part), for me it was just tricking myself into thoughts when these happened. Just because they worked for me doesn't mean they will work for you but there's nothing to lose by trying right? I wish you all the best and hope it works successfully for you <3

 

[Dot]

Self Harm Resources

This post is written by @Dot, I am just the messenger Self Harm It's known that there are many users on the forum who self harm for different reasons. This thread is focused mostly on habitual or impulsive/physical self harm. This thread has not been made for any glorification of self harm...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Our Organization — Self-Injury Recovery & Awareness

www.thesira.org

 

[lainduster]

Theres no need to apologize at all, and rambling/venting is more then welcome here Im sorry you feel like this but have been clean for a while now and think I can offer a perspective which I hope offers some guidance for you. First of all im proud of you for staying clean for so long, even factoring in the relapse over a 2 year period its impressive. What was life changing for me was asking myself 'can it wait until tomorrow?', its really hard to do trust me. Going in when the urges are strong to remind yourself you can always self harm tomorrow however that may be, it can always wait just one more day? I found early on the days were just filled (multiple times an hour) of urges, but one day turns to two, two to three, then days turns to weeks, weeks to months you kinda lose count to the point I cant remember how long its been tbh.I think your so close to being there to manage them really easily, as you recognize when the triggers come up (the hard part), for me it was just tricking myself into thoughts when these happened. Just because they worked for me doesn't mean they will work for you but there's nothing to lose by trying right? I wish you all the best and hope it works successfully for you <3

Thank you, I'll try that! Really appreciate that you took the time to reply, thanks for the great info and the kind, encouraging words :)

 

[Cauliflour]

I found drawing lines with a black ball point pen in low, warm light looks very similar to fresh scars.

 

[lainduster]

I found drawing lines with a black ball point pen in low, warm light looks very similar to fresh scars.

Thanks, I'll give that a go :)