Help Navigating healthcare system for help is exhausting

[RosebyAnyName]

Haven't been able to work, too overwhelmed. Was suggested by my therapist to speak with a doctor.
Tried to reach a private clinic, only to be told by the helpline that there were none where I live.
Tried to reach the family doctor I've been assigned, however can't reach them for another month and a half and I need help now.

Went to a walk-in clinic, I was able to see someone. However, I struggled to express my needs and accidentally let it slip that I was suicidal. I think I scared the doctor, they told me I should contact 911. Had to clarify I wasn't actively suicidal (lie). The doctor had to get the head doctor, and I was able to get a prescription, a referral to a psychologist (allegedly) and time off work.

I feel awful. Navigating Canada's abysmal healthcare is exhausting in its own right. I want to talk to someone so badly, but my next therapy appointment isn't until another week and there aren't availabilities sooner. I don't even know if I got the referral, I was told I should expect a call but they didn't even get my phone number right the first time. Knowing my luck I won't get a call for another month or at all.

I know I need time off work but I'm too scared to hand in the doctor's note, I don't want to have to talk to my employer.

I just feel like an alien, worse than before. I can't get the help I need in a timely manner. I have SN on the way, knowing my luck it will show up before I can get any help. I need to put so much effort to get the help I need (but I can't reveal too much or I'll get thrown in an institution), meanwhile I can barely even function day-to-day. I feel like I already did everything I could but now I'm still just waiting more and it's unbearable. I should be happy I don't have to work, but instead I just feel worse / guilty about taking time off. I don't know what else to do.

 

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I should be happy I don't have to work, but instead I just feel worse / guilty about taking time off.

If doctors or your employer or your coworkers or your family or your friends or government officials knew the whole truth of the matter, they would be telling you (or outright ordering you) not to work. So whatever guilt you're feeling right now about being off work, it's quite safe to let go of it and set it aside.

If it's not as easy as just saying the words, then you could try thinking a bit deeper about it as to identifying what's making you feel this way. The answer will be a combination of internal and external factors. Then once you've identified the causes or contributing factors of your guilt, you'd want to think about whether the guilt is actually justified.

A consideration here: If a loved one told you they're feeling guilty about taking time off work to take care of their mental health, what would you tell them?

You could also consider whether you would be feeling guilty if this was a physical illness instead of mental. Also, the possibility that this feeling could be more to do with an uncomfortableness about needing help and reaching out for help, rather than actually being guilty of something.

I have SN on the way, knowing my luck it will show up before I can get any help. I need to put so much effort to get the help I need (but I can't reveal too much or I'll get thrown in an institution), meanwhile I can barely even function day-to-day.

If you want help, then I would suggest reconsidering the reluctance towards hospitalization.

I know firsthand the flaws of Canada's healthcare system and the barriers of accessing the help you need. But you have a life-ending substance on the way to you in the mail, and it's going to be in your possession. If you walk into an ER and tell them what it is and tell them what you're going to do with it (ie. the protocol), this can open up opportunities to you that might not have been available if doctors never learned the extent of your suicidality in the first place.

I am in Canada as well, and I have been through outpatient programs that only accept referrals from inpatient units. They are among the best professional help I've ever had, and they were intensive. But in order to get there, I had to be totally open about everything I was struggling with and then spend time in an inpatient unit, first.

To be clear, if you don't want help, or if you aren't ready for help, or if you want help but just not "the kind of help that involves hospitalization", that's perfectly valid and is NOT something you have to feel guilty about.

If hospitalization is flatly not an option at this time, I just want to add that there are still options as far as paths forward. Small steps. Being present in the moment. Practicing techniques to regulate your emotions. Staying engaged with people you trust. Support can grow over time, and things can still get better, even if it takes longer than what is ideal.