ABadPerson
something's off | internet black goop
- Oct 24, 2025
- 50
Everything seems so meaningless that even the lack of action seems to only make me more hollow, I just see no purpose in life unless it's spent with another yet I fear myself.
I fear how badly I have hurt people, how obsessive I can get and how easily looping the toxic cycle becomes as I drag others down into a spiral with me. It's the same over and over again, no matter how much I try to change and how much people try to convince me it'll be different, it's just me.
Loneliness is such pain, and normal friendships/relationships are so tiring/fake without the connection that I would focus all my time on existing; I struggle to care for the vast majority of people and just the kind of individual who can only put his effort into one. I can easily fake it all and make 'friends', and I used to/still do but all it does is keeping me from going completely insane.
I've tried normal relationships, but again I just don't see the same spark unless I stop holding myself back. During mental breakdowns I just start feeling more immense guilt about it as time goes on so it never works out well.
I'm constantly in a state where I can't even process my own emotions, and it's only when I have this specific type of relations where I genuinely start to feel again, even if it's minute. But because of that, they start being my 'world' as I don't care for anything else, it's less that I emotionally abuse in the conventional sense but more so that I would just let people to do whatever they want to me and feed into obsession, I think I get people more depressed and hateful against everything else in the world outside of our small bubble which in turn makes our connection feel more 'special'.
I drag people into 'my world', and desperately want them to stay here with me but at the same time get a stronger and stronger urge to leave as I realise how badly I'm twisting/hurting them. Objectively, I'm not a good person and I accept that but I still extremely care for them so it just hurts seeing them clearly being affected by me when all I wanted was just to spend more time with them.
I've been to therapy but it hasn't helped much, so I just isolate myself from people entirely outside of surface-level friendliness; it's better for everyone.
I fear how badly I have hurt people, how obsessive I can get and how easily looping the toxic cycle becomes as I drag others down into a spiral with me. It's the same over and over again, no matter how much I try to change and how much people try to convince me it'll be different, it's just me.
Loneliness is such pain, and normal friendships/relationships are so tiring/fake without the connection that I would focus all my time on existing; I struggle to care for the vast majority of people and just the kind of individual who can only put his effort into one. I can easily fake it all and make 'friends', and I used to/still do but all it does is keeping me from going completely insane.
I've tried normal relationships, but again I just don't see the same spark unless I stop holding myself back. During mental breakdowns I just start feeling more immense guilt about it as time goes on so it never works out well.
I'm constantly in a state where I can't even process my own emotions, and it's only when I have this specific type of relations where I genuinely start to feel again, even if it's minute. But because of that, they start being my 'world' as I don't care for anything else, it's less that I emotionally abuse in the conventional sense but more so that I would just let people to do whatever they want to me and feed into obsession, I think I get people more depressed and hateful against everything else in the world outside of our small bubble which in turn makes our connection feel more 'special'.
I drag people into 'my world', and desperately want them to stay here with me but at the same time get a stronger and stronger urge to leave as I realise how badly I'm twisting/hurting them. Objectively, I'm not a good person and I accept that but I still extremely care for them so it just hurts seeing them clearly being affected by me when all I wanted was just to spend more time with them.
I've been to therapy but it hasn't helped much, so I just isolate myself from people entirely outside of surface-level friendliness; it's better for everyone.
