painIess
Coward
- Jul 30, 2023
- 21
I have Treatment Resistant Depression, with bursts of anger and anxiety sometimes. I don't carry the guilty many depressed people do. My medical report also lists anhedonia, hypothymya and anergy. I've taken different different meds and different therapists. I started getting psychiatric help in mid 2019, but this sensations only got worse. I've tried TMS and I'm currently on Spravato. I always felt lonely, but since I had my major graduation, I feel even worse because I can't find a freaking job, I'm just a NEET with a diploma. I don't feel at home anywhere anymore.
I was thinking of paracetamol OD + how much I can drink of cask strength whiskey (58% is the highest I have), one or two bottles... I know that it's possible to OD with alcohol, but it's just meant to be a bait, the real damage will be doing by paracetamol.
But I'm also too afraid of ctb with my own hands. I feel like someone in life support, with my life relying on the machines. But I also have to operate them.
Tbh, what hurts is the most is that in my second ctb try, my mother told me that if she knew I was going to be so problematic, she would never had children. And also said that if I ctb she would have a clean conscience because I would be the one going to hell, not her. She also said it was some kind of emotional black mail and called my Grandma to have someone as a testimony of her suffering. She didn't visite me once when I was in the hospital. She didn't want to talk even by telephone. For some reason, she thinks she's the only one who suffers and when I was talking to her, almost crying for death, she said I was just tormenting her.
:^)
I was thinking of paracetamol OD + how much I can drink of cask strength whiskey (58% is the highest I have), one or two bottles... I know that it's possible to OD with alcohol, but it's just meant to be a bait, the real damage will be doing by paracetamol.
But I'm also too afraid of ctb with my own hands. I feel like someone in life support, with my life relying on the machines. But I also have to operate them.
Tbh, what hurts is the most is that in my second ctb try, my mother told me that if she knew I was going to be so problematic, she would never had children. And also said that if I ctb she would have a clean conscience because I would be the one going to hell, not her. She also said it was some kind of emotional black mail and called my Grandma to have someone as a testimony of her suffering. She didn't visite me once when I was in the hospital. She didn't want to talk even by telephone. For some reason, she thinks she's the only one who suffers and when I was talking to her, almost crying for death, she said I was just tormenting her.
:^)
