My urge to ctb is nearly gone now that I have SN.

[lostmyhope]

The urge was overwhelming before I bought the SN and while it was in the mail. I was so excited when it got here. Then my intent just vanished.

I know this isn't unique to me but I'm really disappointed. I wanted to be gone by now. I wish I could be gone by tomorrow. But I can't even bring myself to open the container, much less follow a protocol and drink it. I'm jealous of all the posters here who received their SN and ctb soon after. Not in a disparaging way; I'm glad that they were able to find their peace.

Thank you for letting me vent. I have no one else.

 

[Squiddy]

I fear that's what would happen to me if I were to buy some plus I'm afraid that a few fears would stop me too

 

[Frauw]

Sometimes having the ultimatum there is all you need, and thats ok.

 

[lostmyhope]

Yes, I am definitely afraid of the process of dying. I know SN is quick, and that once it's over it'll be irrelevant what it felt like. But I'm afraid anyway. It became more real once I got the SN.

 

[Weary Soul]

I received my SN and had a total panic attack.

That being said, knowing that I have it on hand has given me the reassurance that I can take it any time. And maybe that is all I need for right now.

Maybe somewhere deep inside you are not quite ready or a part of you is not ready - not to mention that I have found that SI is a total b****.

(Please know that this is a total mind read on my part, and apologies, I absolutely mean no offense by this).

<3

 

[lostmyhope]

I received my SN and had a total panic attack.

That being said, knowing that I have it on hand has given me the reassurance that I can take it any time. And maybe that is all I need for right now.

Maybe somewhere deep inside you are not quite ready or a part of you is not ready - not to mention that I have found that SI is a total b****.

(Please know that this is a total mind read on my part, and apologies, I absolutely mean no offense by this).

<3

No, we are totally on the same page. I don't think I really want to be dead, but I definitely don't want to be alive. And even though reality is binary in this aspect, I wish there was a third option.

I have a feeling that I won't be around too much longer, but you're right...I'm not ready yet. Having a method to exit at any time I want is really nice.

I'm sorry that you had a panic attack, that's really rough. I'm glad that you're more at ease now...but just like you can take it at any time, you can also throw it away at any time.

 

[Kat!]

It's quite an odd phenomenon, it happens to a LOT of people though, no matter the method.

I guess the reality of what you are doing finally hits you once you are holding the thing that will kill you.

 

[BehindTheWall]

You shouldn't be ashamed to wanting to live. Catching the bus is a tough decision and it's normal to be afraid.

 

[Marktheghost]

Perhaps you've still got something worth living for? Try to work out what it is, and go for it!

Yeah I can understand what you mean about wishing there was a 3rd option.

 

[ugly734]

Apparently the urge to leave was not that strong. Everyone would like to have something at hand that kills quickly and painlessly. This is important for natural disasters, for example. Life is always a better choice than death. You can cut yourself off from toxic people, sign up for free group psychotherapy, take medications.

 

[sadworld]

I was really anxious once I received my SN and I couldn't bring myself to drink it. Dying gives me anxiety but so does living. I feel stuck tbh.

 

[Amumu]

OP your post made me feel I should buy SN as soon as possible tbh, I'd like to be a little bit less suicidal and calmer.

 

[lastfookingstraw]

Once again, we don't actually want to die. We just want the fucking pain to STOP.

 

[WornOutLife]

I think something similar will happen to me once I get my SN.
I'm planning to ctb on January, 21st but who knows? You can always wait a bit more.

Hugs and I'm glad you've received your SN.

 

[Symbiote]

Knowing you have an out already in your hands, then the anxiety and worries disappears. Ever since I got my 2nd bottle of SN, I've been able to think a bit more clearer and don't have to constantly think of methods anymore. I have my method and I know it works.

 

[AutoTap]

I was really anxious once I received my SN and I couldn't bring myself to drink it. Dying gives me anxiety but so does living. I feel stuck tbh.

Yes exactly

 

[user667]

it's normal to be anxious. maybe just search inside of yourself and determine why you are anxious. is it just survival instinct, or is there really a chance for you to improve your situation. ctb should only be a last resort option when one is completely positive. take your time with it.

 

[AprilsBlessings]

Same, I'm anxious af

 

[ihavetoleave]

It is a really shitty place in life to be when you have the means to CTB and your two main choices every day are to either keep working through all the terrible things that make you want to go or to decide to die instead. No good choices basically, a no win.

 

[orbroots]

it's okay to change your mind. i trust that in each moment you'll be doing your best to keep up with your shifting wants and needs. if/when that moment to ctb comes, i'm sure your future self will be grateful to have a comfortable enough method like SN available. i hope you find peace no matter what.

 

[lostmyhope]

it's okay to change your mind. i trust that in each moment you'll be doing your best to keep up with your shifting wants and needs. if/when that moment to ctb comes, i'm sure your future self will be grateful to have a comfortable enough method like SN available. i hope you find peace no matter what.

Thank you, that is incredibly kind.

OP your post made me feel I should buy SN as soon as possible tbh, I'd like to be a little bit less suicidal and calmer.

Yeah, I get that...just make sure that it's something you actually want to have around, because it's definitely dangerous if you're prone to impulsivity.

 

[Ghost2211]

That happened to me as well, and I've heard several others say it as well. There is no pressure to use it. If the need arises you have it, and if not take life a day at a time.

 

[Aliali1992]

I still have it since last year. I was very happy when i got it that i will die in my bed and don't have to jump or something anymore. That gave me comfort yes.

 

[the_final_countdown]

The anxiety was overwhelming when I got the materials for my method. I never felt anything like it.

The more serious I got about it, the more I felt my mind break apart. It got to the point where I felt I was literally going psychotic.

I don't understand how people accomplish it. Their state of mind must be something hard to behold.

I read a story about a 12 year old girl that took an Uber to a parking garage and jumped.

I don't understand how that's even possible. Or whether her torment was greater than anything I've experienced so it wasn't even difficult. Or maybe she lacked the understanding to see the consequences of her actions.

I don't know.

Some days I feel trapped. Unable to live and unable to die. It's an odd sensation.

I suspect many people in the Holocaust felt the same way. I always wondered why they didn't kill themselves. Now I understand why, despite the misery they kept persisting. It wasn't always "courage", but something greater. Some primal instinct installed by millions of years of trial and survival.

 

[lostmyhope]

The anxiety was overwhelming when I got the materials for my method. I never felt anything like it.

The more serious I got about it, the more I felt my mind break apart. It got to the point where I felt I was literally going psychotic.

I don't understand how people accomplish it. Their state of mind must be something hard to behold.

I read a story about a 12 year old girl that took an Uber to a parking garage and jumped.

I don't understand how that's even possible. Or whether her torment was greater than anything I've experienced so it wasn't even difficult. Or maybe she lacked the understanding to see the consequences of her actions.

I don't know.

Some days I feel trapped. Unable to live and unable to die. It's an odd sensation.

I suspect many people in the Holocaust felt the same way. I always wondered why they didn't kill themselves. Now I understand why, despite the misery they kept persisting. It wasn't always "courage", but something greater. Some primal instinct installed by millions of years of trial and survival.

Yes, I think that we get each other. And it sounds like a lot of other people do too. I would never be able to use a method as "scary" as jumping...it does make me wonder, are the people who are able to do that just at a lower place than I've ever been? I can't even imagine being lower than my lowest.

 

[ihatemen420]

I received my SN and had a total panic attack.

That being said, knowing that I have it on hand has given me the reassurance that I can take it any time. And maybe that is all I need for right now.

Maybe somewhere deep inside you are not quite ready or a part of you is not ready - not to mention that I have found that SI is a total b****.

(Please know that this is a total mind read on my part, and apologies, I absolutely mean no offense by this).

<3

Hey sorry for changing the subject randomly but I haven't been able to figure it out for myself — what does SI mean in this context? Suicidal ideation?

 

[lostmyhope]

Hey sorry for changing the subject randomly but I haven't been able to figure it out for myself — what does SI mean in this context? Suicidal ideation?

Survival instinct.

 

[ihavetoleave]

Survival instinct as poster above stated.

For some people who tend to succeed with CTB, I think it for them it is more than depression, for example if a person tends to injure themselves regularly this may indicate the kind of person who not only can CTB more than the average person, but they feel compelled to do it in ways that most people do not. It is a different kind of mental pain that takes them beyond what SI prevents most of us from doing.

For example I watched this YT video the other night and it reminded me again of the difference between someone depressed, or with addictions (or with both like myself) compared to someone who is not only depressed but feels the need to compulsively self harm. In this example the individual seems to have a decent life yet cannot stop feeling pain and the obsessive need to hurt themselves and it eventually causes them to commit to having their life taken with help:

 

[adam&eve]

Survival instinct as poster above stated.

For some people who tend to succeed with CTB, I think it for them it is more than depression, for example if a person tends to injure themselves regularly this may indicate the kind of person who not only can CTB more than the average person, but they feel compelled to do it in ways that most people do not. It is a different kind of mental pain that takes them beyond what SI prevents most of us from doing.

For example I watched this YT video the other night and it reminded me again of the difference between someone depressed, or with addictions (or with both like myself) compared to someone who is not only depressed but feels the need to compulsively self harm. In this example the individual seems to have a decent life yet cannot stop feeling pain and the obsessive need to hurt themselves and it eventually causes them to commit to having their life taken with help:

Her survival instinct kicked in the first time...what a bitch can it be... you feel miserable and want to die yet can't... I know the feeling.

 

[Sherri]

Same got all the tools I need for my sn, feel empowered like I bought a one way ticket.