Help My suicidal ideation and SH urges are creating tensions with my SO

[sinnrr-sistrr]

First of all, I need to preface this by saying that I love my girlfriend and she has been incredibly, incredibly supportive in the past year we've been together.

Recently, since december, I've been having a really hard time managing my emotions and it's resulted in a lot of suicidal ideation and SH urges coming back. A bit more than a week ago, I finally relapsed and had my worst cutting episode yet. Yet, despite everything, my gf has stayed by my side and has helped me through all of it, even with her being veeery squeamish with blood and wounds.

We're living together (as lesbians do) and my mental state has been taking quite a toll on hers, since seeing me being sad makes her sad too, and because I've been slacking when it comes to house chores (which we share) and cooking (which I usually do since I like it). I've been in a cycle of being busy with school and being ill and being depressed and I gotta admit I haven't been doing my part in our home life :(

Also, a constant of our relationship is communication, so I've been venting to her a lot about my urges, and she told me that it's been making her anxious, and it kind of gets her mood down whenever I talk to her about it. She still listens, because she loves me and wants to be there for me, but she's said that, although she doesn't blame me, talking so often about me hurting myself is not something she really likes doing.

I'm taking slow steps towards recovery, whether you count creating a SaSu account recovering or not (I don't know heh), but I can't help but worry that my mental state will burn her out (she has expressed that possibility). I know she loves me, and I know she doesn't want to lose me, and yet it's so hard to get into my brain that if I don't get better it could happen.

I don't know where to go from this. I've been better about managing my SH urges to a point where I don't think this relapse will go further than that one incident, but they're still constantly in my head and I often need to vent them out. I feel terrible knowing that she's not doing well in her life (not mainly because of me) but that I also know I'm not too much in a position where being with her makes her life easier. She also doesn't like how much time I spend on here, but more in a "she's just worried about me" way.

Anyways, that's all I have to say. Have any of you been in a similar predicament?

Thank youuu~✿

 

[timf]

One might think of self harm as a way to obtain a feeling of control. The problem is that it is only a feeling and not real control. You might ask your girl friend to help think of things and activities that you could do that would still give you a feeling of control, but also actually help you take real control.

Something like some exercise, a new hobby or activity, even something like volunteer work if seen as intentionally done with the purpose of exercising control may make the forces driving you to self harm lessen.

 

[m3nhera]

First of all, I need to preface this by saying that I love my girlfriend and she has been incredibly, incredibly supportive in the past year we've been together.

Recently, since december, I've been having a really hard time managing my emotions and it's resulted in a lot of suicidal ideation and SH urges coming back. A bit more than a week ago, I finally relapsed and had my worst cutting episode yet. Yet, despite everything, my gf has stayed by my side and has helped me through all of it, even with her being veeery squeamish with blood and wounds.

We're living together (as lesbians do) and my mental state has been taking quite a toll on hers, since seeing me being sad makes her sad too, and because I've been slacking when it comes to house chores (which we share) and cooking (which I usually do since I like it). I've been in a cycle of being busy with school and being ill and being depressed and I gotta admit I haven't been doing my part in our home life :(

Also, a constant of our relationship is communication, so I've been venting to her a lot about my urges, and she told me that it's been making her anxious, and it kind of gets her mood down whenever I talk to her about it. She still listens, because she loves me and wants to be there for me, but she's said that, although she doesn't blame me, talking so often about me hurting myself is not something she really likes doing.

I'm taking slow steps towards recovery, whether you count creating a SaSu account recovering or not (I don't know heh), but I can't help but worry that my mental state will burn her out (she has expressed that possibility). I know she loves me, and I know she doesn't want to lose me, and yet it's so hard to get into my brain that if I don't get better it could happen.

I don't know where to go from this. I've been better about managing my SH urges to a point where I don't think this relapse will go further than that one incident, but they're still constantly in my head and I often need to vent them out. I feel terrible knowing that she's not doing well in her life (not mainly because of me) but that I also know I'm not too much in a position where being with her makes her life easier. She also doesn't like how much time I spend on here, but more in a "she's just worried about me" way.

Anyways, that's all I have to say. Have any of you been in a similar predicament?

Thank youuu~✿

This sounds stereotypical but have you seen a doctor?? As someone with a partner who is also supportive and all like yours, I have the fear of brining him out too. So that makes me want to get better, I've considered calling the doctor's office and asking about other options, I don't want to drag him down with me. So I feel like I have to get help, but everything is so difficult and I understand the pull of suicide and self-harm. Sometimes it makes you want to throw your whole life away just for the feeling, the relief from the struggle.

 

[sinnrr-sistrr]

This sounds stereotypical but have you seen a doctor?? As someone with a partner who is also supportive and all like yours, I have the fear of brining him out too. So that makes me want to get better, I've considered calling the doctor's office and asking about other options, I don't want to drag him down with me. So I feel like I have to get help, but everything is so difficult and I understand the pull of suicide and self-harm. Sometimes it makes you want to throw your whole life away just for the feeling, the relief from the struggle.

If you have the opportunity to go to a doctor and get help that way, you should really move forward with that. My girlfriend and I have been trying to find a therapist/psychologist to help me for a while now but we've just been out of luck (not unusual for me lol).

Getting professional help might make him feel better if he's particularly anxious about you mental state. I really recommend you at least try to get the professional support that's available to you. I hope it helps!