CrushedHopes
Ex-narcissist that is looking to end himself soon
- Nov 3, 2019
- 471
Hi there, everyone. I'm CrushedHopes (you may call me CH for short), and I'm ready to CTB soon. The method I'll be using is SN. It'll take about 2 weeks for everything to arrive, if all goes according to plan. Here's my background story. I'll try not to make it too long. (Welp - it did ended up being quite long, so buckle up, y'all)
I'm currently a 22 year old male, and for all these years in my life, I'm considered by many as one that is raised in a rather privileged family - there were never any financial burdens, and I could easily get my hands on materialistic possessions. My parents were able to afford higher schooling to ensure that I received quality education. For the first 14 years of my life, I'd consider myself to have struggled very little. All I had were the typical struggles that any regular student would have.
You might be wondering, what went wrong, afterwards? You see, when I was 14, there was a girl that I really liked, and she kinda liked me too, but wasn't ready to commit herself into a relationship. But my 14 year old dumbass just got soooooooooo obsessed with her, to the point where I was emitting major stalker and psychotic vibes. That, obviously, turned her off. I was so obsessed with her that I couldn't take "No" for an answer. I felt that, if she wouldn't become my girlfriend, my life wouldn't have any meaning. Eventually, the school had to intervene because I wouldn't stop harassing and stalking her. I had it coming, of course. The aftermath of that incident led me to switch schools. I was in 8th grade back then. That was 2011.
For the next 6 years, I had to change schools many times due to behavioral problems, and I eventually finished Grade 12 via homeschooling. Side note, in mid 2016, I tried to CTB via sleeping pill overdose due to pressure at school, but ended up being saved with no further complications. I started my first university term in early 2018, but that didn't go too well. I was a computer science student. Then I switched faculties and pursued nursing instead, as it sounded more practical. That also didn't go too well, and I've spent about 1.5 years making little to no progress. However, my online life, in contrast, was plenty colorful.
During 2012-2019, I devoted myself to watching anime, playing Japanese video games and online voice acting. I barely had any real life friends, if at all. But I had some presence as an online voice actor/director. I wasn't exactly popular, per se, but a good number of people knew me, and I was a part of a community. That sounds all good, right? Normally, I'd be inclined to agree. But no, that was not meant to be.
I first joined the voice acting community in 2012. I had some minor behavioral problems here and there, but due to the fact that I was a minor at the time, many people either overlooked it, or didn't really care all that much. I made the mistake of putting my real name on one of my profiles, next to my first alias (I'll call it S). The voice acting forum that I joined eventually shut down in 2016. By then, I had already made some pals along the way. I've also gotten better with voice acting, writing, directing, audio mixing/editing since. Not to mention that I had a studio grade microphone as well. I also used to mix music and write singable English lyrics for Japanese songs on the side.
Following that forum's demise, I elected to make a brand new alias for myself (I'll call it IT), and opted to remove my full name and use only my first name to prevent other people from identifying me. I used to have a thick Australian accent when I first joined the community, but after practicing a lot, I eventually learnt how to neutralize it and sounded more like an American. That also helped in reintegrating myself back into the community. What I didn't realize is that I didn't try hard enough to fully detach myself from S (as I still used it on other non-voice acting sites), as well as remove every single trace where my full name is mentioned (that could be easily checked on Google). However, that wasn't the worst problem - I used S on a voice actors' database, made several vitriolic comments, got warned and reminded that such behavior was not permitted, but elected to ignore them, anyway. Eventually, I was banned from there. Also, in the same period, I had an online relationship with a girl in the same community, but that didn't last very long, either. That has also affected me to some degree, but not too much.
So, I made a new account on that site again using my most well known alias, IT, and tried to be careful with my comments. But eventually, I just slipped and the site's admin, having connected the dots, banned me again. Not that many people read the comments there, so there was little to no consequences (actually, I think I'm wrong on that, since pros do check their pages on that site, but whatevs, that's besides the point now). Being dissatisfied with the outcome, I've decided to (foolishly) rejoin using a third alias (which I'll refer to as M), tried my hardest to be careful once again, but to no avail. Who am I kidding, trying to fool the staff? Got banned once again. That makes it three times I've been blocked on that database. These events spanned for about 1.5 years.
In the actual VA community itself however, I fared better. Or so I thought. I never really stopped my extreme vitriolic behavior. I would often harshly criticize other people, reject them, treat them as substandard, cuss other people out on Twitter (whom I deemed as "morons"), and despite several reminders from other people that I should tone down and try to act calmly, I never listened. This caused some to leave me, while others struck around, as they didn't really see what the big deal is. I've always had a problem where I vented TOO MUCH. Venting is fine to a certain degree, but I just never seem to be fully satisfied with a lot of things, and whenever there are things that I don't really like, I just openly (or privately) disparage them.
As S, I was also known as the "Deletionist" on Wikipedia, often taking advantage of their guidelines to get rid of articles that I don't like using a process known as AFD (short for Articles for Deletion). Since I did a piss poor job at separating my S, IT and M identities, and also the fact that I was once caught using M to circumvent restrictions placed on my S account on Wikipedia, it made it even easier for those that didn't like me to gather evidence to expose me eventually. I've always been confident that nobody could ever achieve that, due to a lack of evidence, and inability to connect the dots. Boy, I was wrong. BTW, I was blocked on Wikipedia for sockpuppetry, but I managed to successful appeal for an unblock.
On October 19, when I instigated an AFD to delete a professional voice actor's page (because I didn't like their portrayal on a certain character) by citing Wiki policy as justification, some people started to look for evidence to out me. On Oct 31, they've gathered evidence and linked all of my online aliases together, highlighting that I had a long history of abusive, vitriolic behavior. The moment I saw the evidence surfacing, I knew it was just a short matter of time before a grand expose thread would be posted on Twitter to completely flush me out of the community, citing "hateful and unprofessionalism" as the reasons. So I've elected to delete all of my profiles before it could even happen to me. Didn't stop me from reading the aftermath, though. And I was right. Even my real name was doxed (well, not exactly - because it was public information and I never got rid of it). That basically means that my online identity is completely ruined. Over for good.
One thing's for sure - following the expose, I could no longer pursue my interests on a professional level, and *not even* on an amateur level, because everyone hates me now. I've aspired to break into the industry and contribute as much as possible to it, and I would do anything at all in my power to make it happen. But there's no point in any of that now, since it's all over for me. I used to have a lot of confidence and believed that I could use my skills on a professional level, and even if I couldn't, I would still participate in those activities for fun.
I find it utterly unbearable that I won't ever get to do the things I like for the rest of my life. Assuming that I could live up to the 70s, or even 80s (I'm relatively healthy and I exhibit no signs of dying anytime soon), that's a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong way to go in terms of misery. Yes, I know that I brought it all upon myself. But that's a realization made too late, at this point. If I never had such a vitriolic personality to begin with, and learnt to only vent for a bit, instead of excessively, I wouldn't have so much hatred inside of me. I had too much of that, and it led to my downfall.
If I could undo all of my major mistakes, I would undo up to the point where I had my first love. Yes, I would undo the last 8 years and start all over again, if I had a choice in the matter. I would still fall in love with the same girl, but I would understand if she wasn't ready to commit herself in a relationship. I would continue to be friends with her, even if it was a one sided love. I would wish her luck and hope that she would find a better guy than me, too. I don't think there would be a single scenario where I wouldn't fall in love with her. It's just, the execution was utterly problematic on my part. Maybe then, I'd continue studying the same school. Or not. Maybe I'd still end up homeschooling for Grade 12. Who knows? I would have loved to start over from that point, retaining all of my current memories so that I would avoid making the same mistakes.
Unfortunately, reality is harsh, so CTB is the only choice for me. I don't know what happens next. I used to be a Christian, but not anymore. I don't believe that I'll end up in hell. Would I really get to start over from 2011? Or start over from birth? Or reincarnate? There's a lot of unknowns. Whatever the case, one thing is for certain - I don't want to keep living. I don't want to switch career choices. Though I deserved it, being stripped of my own interests is too much for me to bear. It's ironic, when I think about it. I've seen so many people in the VA community get exposed and outed for similar conduct issues, yet I arrogantly believed that I wouldn't share their fate. Well, I was wrong. Too bad for me.
Oh well! Two more weeks and a bit more, and I'm done. I'm so ready to CTB peacefully. I'll keep interacting with y'all until the time comes. I find solace in the fact that I get to at least spend my final moments knowing there's a community that understands the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.
I'm currently a 22 year old male, and for all these years in my life, I'm considered by many as one that is raised in a rather privileged family - there were never any financial burdens, and I could easily get my hands on materialistic possessions. My parents were able to afford higher schooling to ensure that I received quality education. For the first 14 years of my life, I'd consider myself to have struggled very little. All I had were the typical struggles that any regular student would have.
You might be wondering, what went wrong, afterwards? You see, when I was 14, there was a girl that I really liked, and she kinda liked me too, but wasn't ready to commit herself into a relationship. But my 14 year old dumbass just got soooooooooo obsessed with her, to the point where I was emitting major stalker and psychotic vibes. That, obviously, turned her off. I was so obsessed with her that I couldn't take "No" for an answer. I felt that, if she wouldn't become my girlfriend, my life wouldn't have any meaning. Eventually, the school had to intervene because I wouldn't stop harassing and stalking her. I had it coming, of course. The aftermath of that incident led me to switch schools. I was in 8th grade back then. That was 2011.
For the next 6 years, I had to change schools many times due to behavioral problems, and I eventually finished Grade 12 via homeschooling. Side note, in mid 2016, I tried to CTB via sleeping pill overdose due to pressure at school, but ended up being saved with no further complications. I started my first university term in early 2018, but that didn't go too well. I was a computer science student. Then I switched faculties and pursued nursing instead, as it sounded more practical. That also didn't go too well, and I've spent about 1.5 years making little to no progress. However, my online life, in contrast, was plenty colorful.
During 2012-2019, I devoted myself to watching anime, playing Japanese video games and online voice acting. I barely had any real life friends, if at all. But I had some presence as an online voice actor/director. I wasn't exactly popular, per se, but a good number of people knew me, and I was a part of a community. That sounds all good, right? Normally, I'd be inclined to agree. But no, that was not meant to be.
I first joined the voice acting community in 2012. I had some minor behavioral problems here and there, but due to the fact that I was a minor at the time, many people either overlooked it, or didn't really care all that much. I made the mistake of putting my real name on one of my profiles, next to my first alias (I'll call it S). The voice acting forum that I joined eventually shut down in 2016. By then, I had already made some pals along the way. I've also gotten better with voice acting, writing, directing, audio mixing/editing since. Not to mention that I had a studio grade microphone as well. I also used to mix music and write singable English lyrics for Japanese songs on the side.
Following that forum's demise, I elected to make a brand new alias for myself (I'll call it IT), and opted to remove my full name and use only my first name to prevent other people from identifying me. I used to have a thick Australian accent when I first joined the community, but after practicing a lot, I eventually learnt how to neutralize it and sounded more like an American. That also helped in reintegrating myself back into the community. What I didn't realize is that I didn't try hard enough to fully detach myself from S (as I still used it on other non-voice acting sites), as well as remove every single trace where my full name is mentioned (that could be easily checked on Google). However, that wasn't the worst problem - I used S on a voice actors' database, made several vitriolic comments, got warned and reminded that such behavior was not permitted, but elected to ignore them, anyway. Eventually, I was banned from there. Also, in the same period, I had an online relationship with a girl in the same community, but that didn't last very long, either. That has also affected me to some degree, but not too much.
So, I made a new account on that site again using my most well known alias, IT, and tried to be careful with my comments. But eventually, I just slipped and the site's admin, having connected the dots, banned me again. Not that many people read the comments there, so there was little to no consequences (actually, I think I'm wrong on that, since pros do check their pages on that site, but whatevs, that's besides the point now). Being dissatisfied with the outcome, I've decided to (foolishly) rejoin using a third alias (which I'll refer to as M), tried my hardest to be careful once again, but to no avail. Who am I kidding, trying to fool the staff? Got banned once again. That makes it three times I've been blocked on that database. These events spanned for about 1.5 years.
In the actual VA community itself however, I fared better. Or so I thought. I never really stopped my extreme vitriolic behavior. I would often harshly criticize other people, reject them, treat them as substandard, cuss other people out on Twitter (whom I deemed as "morons"), and despite several reminders from other people that I should tone down and try to act calmly, I never listened. This caused some to leave me, while others struck around, as they didn't really see what the big deal is. I've always had a problem where I vented TOO MUCH. Venting is fine to a certain degree, but I just never seem to be fully satisfied with a lot of things, and whenever there are things that I don't really like, I just openly (or privately) disparage them.
As S, I was also known as the "Deletionist" on Wikipedia, often taking advantage of their guidelines to get rid of articles that I don't like using a process known as AFD (short for Articles for Deletion). Since I did a piss poor job at separating my S, IT and M identities, and also the fact that I was once caught using M to circumvent restrictions placed on my S account on Wikipedia, it made it even easier for those that didn't like me to gather evidence to expose me eventually. I've always been confident that nobody could ever achieve that, due to a lack of evidence, and inability to connect the dots. Boy, I was wrong. BTW, I was blocked on Wikipedia for sockpuppetry, but I managed to successful appeal for an unblock.
On October 19, when I instigated an AFD to delete a professional voice actor's page (because I didn't like their portrayal on a certain character) by citing Wiki policy as justification, some people started to look for evidence to out me. On Oct 31, they've gathered evidence and linked all of my online aliases together, highlighting that I had a long history of abusive, vitriolic behavior. The moment I saw the evidence surfacing, I knew it was just a short matter of time before a grand expose thread would be posted on Twitter to completely flush me out of the community, citing "hateful and unprofessionalism" as the reasons. So I've elected to delete all of my profiles before it could even happen to me. Didn't stop me from reading the aftermath, though. And I was right. Even my real name was doxed (well, not exactly - because it was public information and I never got rid of it). That basically means that my online identity is completely ruined. Over for good.
One thing's for sure - following the expose, I could no longer pursue my interests on a professional level, and *not even* on an amateur level, because everyone hates me now. I've aspired to break into the industry and contribute as much as possible to it, and I would do anything at all in my power to make it happen. But there's no point in any of that now, since it's all over for me. I used to have a lot of confidence and believed that I could use my skills on a professional level, and even if I couldn't, I would still participate in those activities for fun.
I find it utterly unbearable that I won't ever get to do the things I like for the rest of my life. Assuming that I could live up to the 70s, or even 80s (I'm relatively healthy and I exhibit no signs of dying anytime soon), that's a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong way to go in terms of misery. Yes, I know that I brought it all upon myself. But that's a realization made too late, at this point. If I never had such a vitriolic personality to begin with, and learnt to only vent for a bit, instead of excessively, I wouldn't have so much hatred inside of me. I had too much of that, and it led to my downfall.
If I could undo all of my major mistakes, I would undo up to the point where I had my first love. Yes, I would undo the last 8 years and start all over again, if I had a choice in the matter. I would still fall in love with the same girl, but I would understand if she wasn't ready to commit herself in a relationship. I would continue to be friends with her, even if it was a one sided love. I would wish her luck and hope that she would find a better guy than me, too. I don't think there would be a single scenario where I wouldn't fall in love with her. It's just, the execution was utterly problematic on my part. Maybe then, I'd continue studying the same school. Or not. Maybe I'd still end up homeschooling for Grade 12. Who knows? I would have loved to start over from that point, retaining all of my current memories so that I would avoid making the same mistakes.
Unfortunately, reality is harsh, so CTB is the only choice for me. I don't know what happens next. I used to be a Christian, but not anymore. I don't believe that I'll end up in hell. Would I really get to start over from 2011? Or start over from birth? Or reincarnate? There's a lot of unknowns. Whatever the case, one thing is for certain - I don't want to keep living. I don't want to switch career choices. Though I deserved it, being stripped of my own interests is too much for me to bear. It's ironic, when I think about it. I've seen so many people in the VA community get exposed and outed for similar conduct issues, yet I arrogantly believed that I wouldn't share their fate. Well, I was wrong. Too bad for me.
Oh well! Two more weeks and a bit more, and I'm done. I'm so ready to CTB peacefully. I'll keep interacting with y'all until the time comes. I find solace in the fact that I get to at least spend my final moments knowing there's a community that understands the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.
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