Venting My social anxiety

[yume_]

I recognize now that, despite having gotten better at socializing, I don't think I will ever get over it completely.

I think I know when it started, ( my memory is pretty bad ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ) I had a friend and because of things our friendship started to fall off. He and some other people were my only friends IRL, so even if they were acting cold to me I clung to them just so I didn't stay alone. They just ignored me, it was like they didn't see me. I don't blame them tho, I'm pretty weird and also I was a bad friend. But like, just tell me you don't like me, its easier for the both of us. At some point I got tired of being ignored and started to sit alone. After this it started, stuttering, having sweaty palms when talking, I could feel my heartbeat when anxious, and the worst in my opinion was wanting to talk with somebody and overthinking what to say just to in the end not say nothing.

Eventually I got better, if anyone with social anxiety is reading this ( i'm guessing most people here lol), I'll just say what I did to get better: basically a lot of practise, I'll give you a spoiler, I failed a lot, like a lot. In that aspect, I can say i tried. I tried new hobbies to fit in. I tried public speaking. I challenged myself to talk to people. It took years, but I am now able to what "normal people" could always do. I got lucky too, found kind people who wouldn't judge me just because, people with the same interests.

Though, it never really left me, i still sometimes stutter, get anxious. What I realized recently, somehow my social anxiety is worse online than IRL. It usually is the opposite for other people, but not for me ☆⌒(> _ <) . Recently things have been really frustating. I literally do a whole comment to answer a thread, but my social anxiety makes me delete everything and overthink about everything. I spent at least 2 hours trying to type an answer. In the end i just ended up doing nothing. Wow, thought I got better, what a illusion! °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖° I just don't want to be misinterpreted, I overthink too much. I know that. It also makes me a shit at texting. I feel like I have to give a perfect answer, so i leave it for afterwards. I know that I hurt someone doing this, I ghosted her. And when we met IRL, I tried to act like nothing happened. yeah I am a piece of shit lol.

I will keep trying but how many years is it going to take me to just be "normal"?

 

[timf]

There was a comedian once who described a pretty girl as saying, "Silly, you don't have to wait in line". It pictures someone who might be called an "under-thinker". There are people who go through life reflexively. The girl described by the comedian had come to expect preferential treatment and thought that was the way the world worked. There are real people like that and they may not even notice that as they age, the waters do not part for them any more.

Over-thinkers often attempt to control too much. Not everyone gives you as much attention as you give yourself, so much of what you try to control is not noticed or appreciated. If you show kindness in words and actions as well as humor, you might find others that notice and appreciate you. These qualities are not as common as one might think. However, if you can find others who have also cultivated these qualities, life can be rewarding.