My new suicide attempt

[braintorture]

Hello!

I'm brain torture, guy that failed my suicide attempt after a hiker caught me hanging and called the cops.

I ended in the ward temporarily and managed to bullshit and get out pretty quick.

Catching the bus today

Hello Today is the day. I recorded my goodbye video and I have my vodka and rope ready. I’m finally getting peace. I walked 1 hour and 30 mins in total and I’m at 1200m in height in the mountains. I won’t be found. My method is partial suspension hanging and jumping if it fails. Thank...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Now I'm in a hotel room alone far away from where that happened, and my mom is clueless.

The plan for tomorrow is I know a store that sells one of the ropes I need to ctb, and I'm going to go there to pick it up (1h of bus riding) pretty fast because the store opens at 9 am, I quickly go buy the rope then I head back to the hotel. I lied to my mom saying I'll stay up late and wake up late - and she has no idea I'm doing this.

So. That means I'll have the rope, aka the mean, and I'll get it tomorrow morning and hide it in my bag.

from there I have 3 options:
- Catch the bus the same night (I'll stay in a hotel room again, and there are bunk beds and also you get the PIN code to exit or enter anytime in the night, giving me a good 12+ hours to run and go hang in the middle of the night) but in a forest nearby OR hang myself in the room (too risky)
- catch the bus the same night But I go to Paris or another major city (I know urbex and abandoned spots) and ctb there
- catch the bus at a later date (fuck no)

Also, the 28th is my ex's birthday and the date I never want to exceed. Think of it as my 32 integer limit. I don't wanna see 2026 and go past that date.

This time - I'm alone, pretty secure and I have managed to get a few 200 bucks from my mom to organize all of it.

———

Key takeaways:
If you consider catching the bus by hanging yourself - you should read this.

I got caught pretty stupidly due to a few mistakes you shouldn't do. I could have ended as a vegetable - but I got caught right as the rope was on my neck and I was choking. (Lucky and unlucky I was)

Rules:
1. Hang yourself IN THE NIGHT. Do not do it in the morning or evening. There's always random hikers or people that can find you. I was up 1500m+ in the mountains and I still got randomly caught by a dude.
2. Find a spot that's ISOLATED. Far away from roads and any signal. Urbex spots are great starting points.
3. Do not keep your SIM card. Use a burner phone to distract authorities or a burner sim you pay with CASH. You can be geolocated pretty fast and your credit card payments can be used to trace you.
4. Don't warn people you'll ctb. Doing this caused me to get put on a missing persons list and get the cops looking for me. 3 different people filed me as a missing person and that accelerated them finding me. The less they know, the more time you have.
5. Be quick. Don't act suspect, make sure to prepare everything that you can do in 1 day. Time is crucial if you wish to successfully ctb without getting caught.
6. Do it only if you're certain. There's no going back once you started unless you're ready for heck of a ride in the psych ward. You were warned!
7. Find the right tree - https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/trees-to-use-for-hanging-from-a-tree-expert.76256/
8. Learn how to do the knot and tie before you actually do it on a tree. It took me a few tries to learn how to do it properly but I managed to do it after a few tries in my corner alone. This will save you plenty of time.
9. Ensure no one is around you once you've set up the rope for a good hour if needed - but depending on the time and spot you shouldn't be finding people around late at night.
10. Make sure your rope can withstand at least twice of your weight.
11. If there's a rope excess, use it to strengthen the suspension. My current setup had the left side going up to pull myself up and the knot above my neck to strengthen the choke, and it worked pretty well for both full and partial suspension. Make sure to use your hand or test to see how rigid it is and apply pressure.
12. If you're scared to do it or your SI kicks in, I recommend you play your favorite song and only focus on the song - to me that helped me gather the courage to do it.

———

Anyways folks, hopefully this time I will succeed. I got away with my failed attempt pretty easily and I won't mess up this one.

I will keep you posted via this thread!

 

[fruitninjamaster]

I hope this round goes better, get some rest, we are all here to support you.

 

[ScholarOfDespair]

I wish you a peaceful journey. If you are still with us please update.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find freedom from suffering, I wish you the best.

 

[dalemar]

I wish you all the best, you deserve peace.
Thank you so much for sharing your learning with everybody, so people can avoid making the same mistakes and going through what you had to go.

 

[disabledlife]

If you're talking about Paris, you're talking about France. This country is the only one in the world that allows anyone to request the psychiatric commitment and forced treatment of anyone without even a preliminary hearing before a judge. The commitment can be indefinite, knowing that you're drugged enough to prevent you from defending yourself long before the hearing before the judge of freedoms and detention, scheduled 72 hours after the commitment. You were lucky to have been able to sweet-talk your way out. Good luck with everything.

 

[darksouls]

good luck,
I hope everything goes well for you
and you find the peace you deserve

 

[braintorture]

Morning folks - rope picking time. Taking the advantage of waking up early.

 

[braintorture]

My savior! Will try to CTB hopefully tonight :) pic below

It's ready! I ordered the ride back home and the guy was avoiding taxes so I paid cash so boom no trace no case

—

Alone in the room for a little bit there's a bunk bed above so I've been choking a bit for fun and the high feels so good it makes me want to sleep

I can't wait for tonight…

 

[Terrible_Life]

My savior! Will try to CTB hopefully tonight :) pic below

It's ready! I ordered the ride back home and the guy was avoiding taxes so I paid cash so boom no trace no case

—

Alone in the room for a little bit there's a bunk bed above so I've been choking a bit for fun and the high feels so good it makes me want to sleep

I can't wait for tonight…

How did you overcome si so well? I mean you mentioned you can't wait for tonight and also its rare that i saw someone on sasu who after a failed attempt few days later is planning another attempt. It all seems like your wish to be dead is very strong maybe from a lot of suffering but so did i suffer a lot in this shit life so i wonder what is it that i don't see and realize why am I still in this shit life trapped….could you maybe give an advice what helped you to go into action and just do it?

 

[braintorture]

How did you overcome si so well? I mean you mentioned you can't wait for tonight and also its rare that i saw someone on sasu who after a failed attempt few days later is planning another attempt. It all seems like your wish to be dead is very strong maybe from a lot of suffering but so did i suffer a lot in this shit life so i wonder what is it that i don't see and realize why am I still in this shit life trapped….could you maybe give an advice what helped you to go into action and just do it?

I always think about the peace and not the past or present.

SI is like overcoming your fear to kill a spider. Force yourself to do the first step and the rest and peace awaiting gets away.

For hanging, the hardest and scariest part is the gagging and lack of oxygen. When practicing I just have it burn but after some point when hitting pressure points I've been able to just starting to pass out.

The feeling is just like when you stand up too fast and feel dizzy and like you're flipped upside down and the blood is rushing to your head.

I suffer every hour mentally and I only get pleasure from thinking about death and planning my suicide or else I suffer from the rest.

I have major depression and disorders and ptsd and ocd and many more.

I don't know how to explain it, but make a list of things to prepare your suicide and plan everything ahead. Once you get the first steps things become smooth.

If you want more tips and advice let me know.

Tonights the night.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I sincerely hope you find the peace that you are looking for. I read most of your past posts and it saddens me when i see someone suffer so much.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I always think about the peace and not the past or present.

SI is like overcoming your fear to kill a spider. Force yourself to do the first step and the rest and peace awaiting gets away.

For hanging, the hardest and scariest part is the gagging and lack of oxygen. When practicing I just have it burn but after some point when hitting pressure points I've been able to just starting to pass out.

The feeling is just like when you stand up too fast and feel dizzy and like you're flipped upside down and the blood is rushing to your head.

I suffer every hour mentally and I only get pleasure from thinking about death and planning my suicide or else I suffer from the rest.

I have major depression and disorders and ptsd and ocd and many more.

I don't know how to explain it, but make a list of things to prepare your suicide and plan everything ahead. Once you get the first steps things become smooth.

If you want more tips and advice let me know.

Tonights the night.

Thanks for this great answer. I learned that the best way is to stop overthinking.
Do you fear what could happen after you die? Maybe its absolutely nothing but maybe its a big revelation.
Do you think your family will find their peace at some point, I hope mine will do that especially my mom she doesn't deserve this its all so sad ….

Yesterday I finished the last preparations now I only have to choose a date and die. Today I will once again suffer a lot by my mental pain and it'll be horrible I have so many reasons to die and yet I paralyzed myself by doing all this stupid overthinking….it took me so long to finish all the preparations.

I have so many reasons to kill myself, I also just like you have ocd and its there now since 12 years its a nightmare it dominates most of the day , I hope soon I call also die. Maybe I should more often strangulate myself with the rope the neutralize the fear of hanging

 

[braintorture]

Thanks for this great answer. I learned that the best way is to stop overthinking.
Do you fear what could happen after you die? Maybe its absolutely nothing but maybe its a big revelation.
Do you think your family will find their peace at some point, I hope mine will do that especially my mom she doesn't deserve this its all so sad ….

Yesterday I finished the last preparations now I only have to choose a date and die. Today I will once again suffer a lot by my mental pain and it'll be horrible I have so many reasons to die and yet I paralyzed myself by doing all this stupid overthinking….it took me so long to finish all the preparations.

I have so many reasons to kill myself, I also just like you have ocd and its there now since 12 years its a nightmare it dominates most of the day , I hope soon I call also die. Maybe I should more often strangulate myself with the rope the neutralize the fear of hanging

You have to understand that if you kill your self - it is a selfish move you do for YOURSELF. there is no work around.

You're sad for your mom? Well the only way to avoid her of being sad is by staying alive.

Sadly nothing will satisfy both demands unless you drown yourself in escapes like alcohol pills or drugs.

If you want to die - you wanna die. Not Want people to know you died. Once you die you won't be there to care about what happens around you.

—

Concerning fear, yes. But in most cases I'm at peace with it. Why?

1. I've been fighting for a solution for almost a year now.
2. I've been a good person.
3. I'm mentally ill.

Simply put - any sensible God will forgive me. And if he does exist, he's also a big piece of shit. He made humans capable of rape for example.

Nothing is lost however. Just like a rotting vegetable it'll turn back into something else. Just like your body will rot and decompose and just become part of the eco system.

You will die sooner or later anyways.

Want to know how you'll really feel? Choke yourself by grabbing your neck and on the sides near the bones you can feel carotid arteries and you'll be cut off oxygen and unable to breathe.



If you still feel scared after that. Think about the peace. No more pain.

If you still feel scared after that, reconsider.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed.

 

[braintorture]

Quick note. If anyone needs a good resource library for psh, check out Evelyn's guides:

Evelyn's complete guide on how to hang yourself with both partial and full suspension hanging

Are you new to hanging? Or maybe just trying to find out if hanging is the right method for you? This reading guide has you covered! This is your one stop shop to both partial suspension hanging and full suspension hanging. This is a reading guide to the guides I published on this forum so far...

sanctioned-suicide.net

And this:

Notes on Ligature Strangulation (with working dropbox + extra details)

Notes on Ligature Strangulation Method - This post will contain all the information without anything unsaid. It is also as clear as possible. It is exhaustive and detailed. - If it means anything, this is what I've compiled and collected after a year of thinking of this stuff and going in...

sanctioned-suicide.net

For on how to do the knot here's a quick video, here's the video I used to learn how to do the knot first try:
View attachment v10025g50000c6ssmbrc77u7kismpaq0.mov

More resources in the megathread.

—

For religious folks with fear:

 

[Terrible_Life]

You have to understand that if you kill your self - it is a selfish move you do for YOURSELF. there is no work around.

You're sad for your mom? Well the only way to avoid her of being sad is by staying alive.

Sadly nothing will satisfy both demands unless you drown yourself in escapes like alcohol pills or drugs.

If you want to die - you wanna die. Not Want people to know you died. Once you die you won't be there to care about what happens around you.

—

Concerning fear, yes. But in most cases I'm at peace with it. Why?

1. I've been fighting for a solution for almost a year now.
2. I've been a good person.
3. I'm mentally ill.

Simply put - any sensible God will forgive me. And if he does exist, he's also a big piece of shit. He made humans capable of rape for example.

Nothing is lost however. Just like a rotting vegetable it'll turn back into something else. Just like your body will rot and decompose and just become part of the eco system.

You will die sooner or later anyways.

Want to know how you'll really feel? Choke yourself by grabbing your neck and on the sides near the bones you can feel carotid arteries and you'll be cut off oxygen and unable to breathe.

View attachment 190286

If you still feel scared after that. Think about the peace. No more pain.

If you still feel scared after that, reconsider.

Thanks again for the answer it has good information might help me.
I forgot one important question I wanted to ask you.
When you did your attempt where the hiker interrupted you you posted a picture from
Yoour bag i think and there was a bottle of vodka if I remember correctly.
My question: did the alcohol help with ctb? Did it even make the wish to be dead stronger?

 

[braintorture]

Thanks again for the answer it has good information might help me.
I forgot one important question I wanted to ask you.
When you did your attempt where the hiker interrupted you you posted a picture from
Yoour bag i think and there was a bottle of vodka if I remember correctly.
My question: did the alcohol help with ctb? Did it even make the wish to be dead stronger?

Alcohol made me just want to throw up but it did help make me feel much more dizzy faster and happier. I mixed it with anti anxiolytics and it slammed me a little.

I don't recommend it that much.

The hiker interrupted around maybe a minute or less when I started hanging.


Currently enjoying my last McDonald's ever

 

[Macedonian1987]

Alcohol made me just want to throw up but it did help make me feel much more dizzy faster and happier. I mixed it with anti anxiolytics and it slammed me a little.

I don't recommend it that much.

The hiker interrupted around maybe a minute or less when I started hanging.


Currently enjoying my last McDonald's ever

It's been years since I've had a McDonald's burger. In my country North Macedonia which is the poorest one in Europe, McDonald's left because the burgers were too expensive for the average Macedonian.

I plan on ctb in a 1-2 years and right now I'm spending my life savings on a good food. There are so many things I haven't tried eating because of my earlier saving habits.

I wonder how did the hiker reacted when he saw you, did he yelled at you or insulted you?

 

[braintorture]

It's been years since I've had a McDonald's burger. In my country North Macedonia which is the poorest one in Europe, McDonald's left because the burgers were too expensive for the average Macedonian.

I plan on ctb in a 1-2 years and right now I'm spending my life savings on a good food. There are so many things I haven't tried eating because of my earlier saving habits.

I wonder how did the hiker reacted when he saw you, did he yelled at you or insulted you?

Basically yelled and stopped me and then talked about how his wife nearly did the same thing and he was talking to me about getting help and whatever.

He was very nice actually. But pissed me off still.

Mind you some people passed by and didn't react. Only he did

Then he said I don't have a choice to call the cops and remove the rope etc

I was pretty annoyed. See the clip
View attachment IMG_5604.mov

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Currently enjoying my last McDonald's ever

What did you get?

 

[Macedonian1987]

Basically yelled and stopped me and then talked about how his wife nearly did the same thing and he was talking to me about getting help and whatever.

He was very nice actually. But pissed me off still.

Mind you some people passed by and didn't react. Only he did

Then he said I don't have a choice to call the cops and remove the rope etc

I was pretty annoyed. See the clip
View attachment 190297

People have been telling me for years that things will get better and to get help too, but sadly things got worse for me, a lot worse. I started feeling suicidal at the age of 16, and since I was very young at that time I thought: I'm still young. Maybe something will happen that will improve my mental health. Sadly nothing good happened to me. Since 2003 (when i was 16) i have lived a lonesome friendless and loveless life and with age I acquired chronic pain too. My life is indeed beyond repair and no help can ever fix me.


You are still young. You are 18, there are still chances for things to get better. Slim ones, but there still are. Only do this if you are absolutely 100% sure that things won't improve. Since I don't know much about your life circumstances I will try not to sound like the guy in the video.

 

[kouna]

Your posts are a great piece of info. It inspires me to make something similar the following weeks when I'll go by FSH too.

I've tested the noose while sitting down so that I get used to it, I put a hood on (I'm wearing a hoodie) so that the rope doesn't leave marks. Except for choking I get a pain at the back of my neck, I think I must keep my chin down to mitigate that.
I'm quite familiar with getting choked since I grappled for almost 20 years.

 

[braintorture]

What did you get?

A nice McSmart+ with my mom. 6 dollar meal and with my McDonald's points I took a sundae.

Efficient and delicious. Helped me a ton this year

People have been telling me for years that things will get better and to get help too, but sadly things got worse for me, a lot worse. I started feeling suicidal at the age of 16, and since I was very young at that time I thought: I'm still young. Maybe something will happen that will improve my mental health. Sadly nothing good happened to me. Since 2003 (when i was 16) i have lived a lonesome friendless and loveless life and with age I acquired chronic pain too. My life is indeed beyond repair and no help can ever fix me.


You are still young. You are 18, there are still chances for things to get better. Slim ones, but there still are. Only do this if you are absolutely 100% sure that things won't improve. Since I don't know much about your life circumstances I will try not to sound like the guy in the video.

Some of my posts talk about my circumstances. But I'm fucked beyond repair as well and I don't have much opportunities. I'm homeless and the only person caring about me being my mom is homeless too.

I've lived my entire life with verbal physical and sexual abuse - and these past few months have been hell. Just recently I caught the bus in my last attempt due to neglect from the people hosting me. Got threatened for asking to go to the hospital.

I have a ton of mental illnesses and every hour is painful. I have anxiety and panic attacks almost every hour and PTSD (and CPTSD, BPD, OCD, depression, anxiety etc)

I know nothing a part from abuse and being on the computer all day. I'm pretty awkward and I ended in foster care and stuff. It's a very long story.

 

[braintorture]

It's a strange feeling of my mom being as happy as ever showing me the city she grew up in like a child showing cool stuff to his parents.

I'm out here taking selfies (she's asking for) but I'm unable to crack a smile.

I looked at her blank when she was talking about the future and her projects and she asked me "why are you staring at me this way" while laughing nervously.

I prepared a wallpaper with numbers to call including hers.

It's really cinematic. Perhaps I survived an unclean ending to have a clean one.

Either way, tonight I'll be in the hotel alone again - and I'll be catching the bus. It's only a matter of less than 3 hours.

I've lost many people to suicide and honestly it feels strange to finally be the one on the other side.

 

[Dawnfang11]

I wish you peace, friend. Thanks for this thread and every post you've made. Good luck!

 

[braintorture]

We're arriving at the hotel. This is it.

See you at the bus stop. I'll send one last message when my time comes. Cheers :)

 

[Unlucky777]

Peace be with you my friend

 

[braintorture]

I cried a little and I wrote my letter. The hang and knot is ready.

Good bye SaSu

 

[littlecutecorpse]

I cried a little and I wrote my letter. The hang and knot is ready.

Good bye SaSu

after reading your whole story, best i can say is good luck. i wish you peace 🕊