My miscellaneous ramblings until August 31st

[waistcoat]

on a train right now, i just had a glimpse of my arm while resting and all i can think about is the peace i will feel in just under 2 months. i have literal butterflies in my stomach. i feel weightless thinking about it. it makes me so happy. it's like that feeling you get on a rollercoaster when you're floating out of your seat from a bump, the pure joy of that and the rush it gives you.

i can't wait. i'm so excited
update 40m later: still have this feeling in my stomach. i feel euphoric and broken at the same time.

i keep thinking about the people that will miss me, i think it's going to hurt them a lot. i also think after i die a few of them might stumble across this account… so if they do, hi frens, sorry, i love you, i miss you, pls don't blame yourself~<3 these past few months have been amazing, you couldn't have stopped this, nor would i have wanted you to, i've wanted this for years and i am finally free from my suffering, i love you, lots

 

[waistcoat]

trying to survive in this world is suffocating

 

[waistcoat]

the temptation to just slash the fuck out of my thighs again is high

 

[waistcoat]

hhhh why does august 31st have to be so far away :( i just want it to be over now

 

[waistcoat]

ahahahhagsgsgsgddh fuck my life i dont know why but i just told a friend about my date hhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck fuck fuck why didi gellcthm they are going to dtop me im scared fuck
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posts will be merged cus <1h
40m later
/
my friend i tokd was ok wirh it and i dont thinj they will do anything to stop me, they are very understanding of my circumstances

i have that butterfly feeling again, im so excited, im just gonna be able to breathe, and then finally sleep, for good this time, the long sleep, i wont have to fight anymore, i wont have to be brave, i wont have to be strong, i wont have to pretend im ok, ill just, be asleep, and never wake up, and itll all be okay, and ill be okay, and safe, and happy, and warm, and cozy, and hhhh im just so excited to be able to die

 

[waistcoat]

i have booked a single night in a hotel away from the airbnb im in with my friends while travelling… i might just kms tonight idk

 

[waistcoat]

regretfully i an still alive
i am also having a huge chronic pain flareup while out with friends and hhh i jusy want to die. why does my own body hate me. this isnt fair. what the fuck have i done to deserve a body that fucking wants me to suffer

 

[EternalShore]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in such pain rn, Waistcoat~ >_< I really hope it goes away soon and that your friends are understanding about it! :(

 

[waistcoat]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in such pain rn, Waistcoat~ >_< I really hope it goes away soon and that your friends are understanding about it! :(

my friends are very understanding but there's not much they can do to help :( i just end up leaving social events sometimes because of the pain and i can tell it annoys them but they never say

 

[waistcoat]

i have taken enough ibuprofen today for it to be considered toxic. i am still in pain. i fucking hate this body

 

[waistcoat]

friend said "hey i saw your arm earlier, if you need me to grab you some bandages from the shop let me know" and it's really sweet but also ive been having a panic attack for the last hour about it because FUCK no one was supposed to see. i literally did it as far up my arm as i could to stop anyone from seeing but i briefly took off my hoodie and i was wearing short sleeves :(

 

[waistcoat]

you know that feeling you get after an adrenaline rush, the good feeling, the one that radiates through your whole body and makes your chest feel weightless? i get that every time i think of my soon-to-be death… i think i'm broken

 

[waistcoat]

i've always been very anti-smoking due to trauma from my parents smoking despite me begging them to stop. i tried vaping a few months ago and didn't really see the appeal, but i've just gone ahead and bought cigarettes and tried one and hooooly shit i see why people do this. my head feels so clear and relaxed for what feels like the first time in years