viljalauss
he/they 22
- Aug 22, 2023
- 194
waffle. like really long waffle. like 1/4 length of the essay (word count) it is taking me months to write waffle. the duality of man
i had a very nice week last week (πήγα στην ελλάδα!) and i am fully counting my blessings for it but hoooooooly shit i am so fucked for the foreseeable future if for some unfathomable reason i stay alive. i have a test for uni on saturday and i don't know shit. i can't revise for it cause i have an essay that was due last week that i have been reading for for over a month but can't do cause i can't get my thoughts into order. the test is mostly timed essays (3? in under 3 hours) which is even worse cause 1) i can't get my thoughts into order. it takes me ages to write anything 2) my memory is nonexistent, i can't answer questions on texts unless i have them in front of me and this time i most definitely do not. this is my last year and there's no way i'm passing. i had a meeting with my tutors today and they told me the topic i was gonna pick for my thesis is too narrow and i'm gonna have to pick a new one (and provide title (and abstract as well i think) in less than a week. which may have been fine if i had been reading Anything lately / had academic interests but i can't i am far too dumb and executive nonfunctional.
every time my dad calls me it goes from small talk into him telling me how he isn't ok and how he's trying to cope. because of the nature of the situation (it is not straightforward) i cannot help, all i can do is sit there and say shit like 'i see', 'i understand'. i sure can empathise but that tends to just end in me self-harming if it really gets to me, or completely shutting off so that it doesn't. he keeps saying he has things to say me he wants to say in a 'heart-to-heart' discussion. i am scared of this man whether he wanted me to be or not. i literally only tell my parents things on a need-to-know basis including my medical history i do not plan to reveal my emotions to him and for good reason. i tell him (today) we can talk next week when i see him next (just so i can get it over with), he says no we'll talk 'in about a year time' (when uni is over (if i even pass) when i won't be able to escape the house (i live out rn). he won't tell me what it's about, but i know if it's anything about my transness i am in such deep shit. he has threatened drastic measures and later said it was out of love which.. doesn't make me doubt he will do them or smth similar. in the meantime i ask him how he's coping/what mechanisms (since he mentioned using them) and he gives me vague answers. says he'll use the year to 'learn how to cope'. ??? i'm fucking scared
i am not meant to be around ,,,, i have far overstayed my welcome and however much i may be able to help one person a lot or a few people a little i do not want to be around to see inevitable horrors that are already stretching beyond my comprehension. i am this close to breaking and demanding death from the divine because i do not know what else to turn to. i'm so fucking done for
i had a very nice week last week (πήγα στην ελλάδα!) and i am fully counting my blessings for it but hoooooooly shit i am so fucked for the foreseeable future if for some unfathomable reason i stay alive. i have a test for uni on saturday and i don't know shit. i can't revise for it cause i have an essay that was due last week that i have been reading for for over a month but can't do cause i can't get my thoughts into order. the test is mostly timed essays (3? in under 3 hours) which is even worse cause 1) i can't get my thoughts into order. it takes me ages to write anything 2) my memory is nonexistent, i can't answer questions on texts unless i have them in front of me and this time i most definitely do not. this is my last year and there's no way i'm passing. i had a meeting with my tutors today and they told me the topic i was gonna pick for my thesis is too narrow and i'm gonna have to pick a new one (and provide title (and abstract as well i think) in less than a week. which may have been fine if i had been reading Anything lately / had academic interests but i can't i am far too dumb and executive nonfunctional.
every time my dad calls me it goes from small talk into him telling me how he isn't ok and how he's trying to cope. because of the nature of the situation (it is not straightforward) i cannot help, all i can do is sit there and say shit like 'i see', 'i understand'. i sure can empathise but that tends to just end in me self-harming if it really gets to me, or completely shutting off so that it doesn't. he keeps saying he has things to say me he wants to say in a 'heart-to-heart' discussion. i am scared of this man whether he wanted me to be or not. i literally only tell my parents things on a need-to-know basis including my medical history i do not plan to reveal my emotions to him and for good reason. i tell him (today) we can talk next week when i see him next (just so i can get it over with), he says no we'll talk 'in about a year time' (when uni is over (if i even pass) when i won't be able to escape the house (i live out rn). he won't tell me what it's about, but i know if it's anything about my transness i am in such deep shit. he has threatened drastic measures and later said it was out of love which.. doesn't make me doubt he will do them or smth similar. in the meantime i ask him how he's coping/what mechanisms (since he mentioned using them) and he gives me vague answers. says he'll use the year to 'learn how to cope'. ??? i'm fucking scared
i am not meant to be around ,,,, i have far overstayed my welcome and however much i may be able to help one person a lot or a few people a little i do not want to be around to see inevitable horrors that are already stretching beyond my comprehension. i am this close to breaking and demanding death from the divine because i do not know what else to turn to. i'm so fucking done for
