My Life After Attempting Suicide

[LivingForTheMoment]

Hi there.

I'm not sure if I'll continue to post, I am writing this as I think it could help me process things and maybe help ethers.

This past summer I tried to take my own life, and was unsuccessful. I spent a good bit of time in the hospital, but am now okay and physically as healthy as I have ever been.

I have worked very hard since my teen years to keep myself healthy and mentally well, as I have struggled with my mental health for quite some time privately, but began a downward spiral this past year.

I believe that it could partly have been caused by my increased isolation. Despite attending university, I began to withdraw myself from friends and family, which lead me to feel alone and frustrated with myself.

This anger was never expressed outwardly, nor was any other problems that I was going through either. The lack of communication made it hard for anyone else to know that there were problems.

The anger and sadness made it hard for me to open up to others. I would withdraw from relationships. The best I could do was keep a sort of "mask" that made me look somewhat normal but distant from the outside.

I made a plan to take my life early on in this spiral, and as things were getting worse began to act.m on this plan.

I pushed people away who expressed interest and care throughout the school year, which made me even more frustrated and regretful. Then came summer break.

At this point people close to me began to notice something was off. I was losing weight as I stopped eating properly. Two weeks before I could no longer exercise or meditate, and three days before my attempt I stopped eating. The disruption to my routine likely exacerbated my suicidal tendencies. However things escalated quickly which made it hard for anyone else to help in time.

After my attempt I spent a good bit of time at the hospital, this was a particularly unpleasant time for me so I will not go into detail other than saying that I did not like being confined to a little room, nor waking up to bloodwork and having to take drugs (all of which I had adverse reactions to).

During my time here I began to realize the gravity of what I had done. Despite holding the belief that I would be forgotten, I ended up hurting a lot of people I cared about. I should say now that in moments of clarity (which is now almost all of the time) I am terribly regretful. I am now seeking to redeem myself for the hurt I caused, as it has permanently altered the relationships of those closest to me.

Writing this I think I now understand what the root cause of my troubles were; I got stuck in a pattern of extremely negative thinking based in nothing sensible. As stupid as it sounds, it is a poison which can infect a mind quickly. The fact that this negativity doesn't have to be based in anything makes it even more dangerous. For me I felt like a fraud and a hypocrite, and allowed these feelings to consume me.

I'm now back at university, and things are going really well. I am currently working with a doctor and some specialists who I trust, and it has helped greatly.

I will also add that maintaining a routine is really important. I've resumed all of the activities I had stopped leading up to my attempt.

I am also trying to open up to people, which has resulted in reforging connections with really beautiful individuals I had previously pushed away. This has really opened my heart up. Learning that others care about about you (and in some cases forgive you), even those who you may not have previously known well, gives a feeling of warmth and love I haven't felt for a very long time.

There are still days where things a very difficult, unfortunately recovery isn't something that happens overnight (I wish it could). Having gone through it all I can say that I have a new perspective on things, so even on the most difficult of days I no longer see suicide or destructive tendencies as an answer.

In fact opening up and being as kind as possible to myself and others has helped me more than anything to combat these lows. I should note that when I talk about opening up I am not talking about sharing my story and deeply personal information, more that I engage and interact freely with curiosity and contentment, maintaining a quiet confidence in myself as an individual to do good.

In this short span of time I have been fortunate to have made a handful of really great friends, and even found someone who I trust on a level I believe to be deeper than that of a friendship. This journey has given me a lot of hope, and I want to stress that you don't have to go through what I have to experience this positive outlook.

Attempting to take my life has destroyed a lot of things that I am still trying to repair. Some things will never be the same. Despite this I see a the potential for a really beautiful future, and it started when I began to take accountability for my actions and way of thinking. I continued to play into stupid negative thought patterns, and allowed them to take advantage of me. You don't have to too.

I apologize for the long meandering post, I can't sleep tonight so I thought I'd write this instead.
If you have any questions feel free to ask. I may not be back on here for a while but if I see them I will try to respond.