AnimeSlayersFan
Member
- Jul 18, 2025
- 27
Well, this is a continuation to my 4 days of being alone at home story. I didn't kill myself yet, (Quick background, was playing with the idea of doing it and bought rope, it's on another post)
I got to have a heart to heart with my mom. About a ton of things of my childhood, I hope that this will be good for therapy, I even ended up telling that bitch that I dated a trans girl once, she told me how she was abused as a kid by her dad (my now dead grandpa)
And how when I was around 6-8, that she left my dad, cause of him being kind of a deadbeat who did drugs with no ambitions. (I still kinda like my dad's personality some days, although I don't like everything about him)
We ended talking a bunch, and I thought I was getting SOMEWHERE, some real connection finally, but the bitch won't take accountability, she keeps on going on how "everyone has problems in life" and "I might have screamed at you and your sister for around 2 years because I was feeling really bad", but it's also your fault, cause later on you did X and Y and Z and life then happened with this or that life event.
And when I wanted to lock in that maybe my trauma is due to that time, she just continued on to tell me how when I was a teenager I would be really angry and hard to talk to and refused help from everyone, even therapists.
That again, she says that "I'm worth it and wonderful, and smart, and a lot of other qualities" and that "She doesn't know what the fuck is wrong with me and I should be happy, cause she says it is exhausting being with me being sad every day."
However, we tend to skip around the part where for 2 years she was super depressed and treated us poorly, and I have an ick, a feeling that point she so speedely skips over, might be the cause of my failure to develop properly later, she counters saying "we all have problems, we didn't have the curse of the internet like you do, and we had to go places and suffer, you got it so easy"
She 100% did hard drugs right before or around the time she had me, although she will never get into depth with that (I respect that boundary)
But yea, she's like totally dismissive of how I felt with all that happened, and just focuses on how I ended up a "problem teenager", because I refused to be stepped over and had my own views on things at the time, we fought quite a lot for years, and while I know I'm not perfect, I just want my mom to fucking say "I'M SORRY OKAY!? I'M SORRY"
Instead of just brushing everything off and just saying "Well, I was more abused than you, and I survived, so you should just deal with it, go outside, do things you like, find a job"
For her the solution is "OH SO SIMPLE" and she reacts positively when I show affection, but I feel like I lose when I do, like she "wins" when I do that, because in every conversation we have about this, I'm ALWAYS the one who has to take medication, do some more therapy, "just get over it" or whatever the fuck. I try to explain it, that what I want is to get to the core of why I'm fucked up so I can fix it and feel better, she says there's no point in that, and I end up going here again, the only fucking place where I feel someone gets me.
I don't know what opinion I hold of my mom, maybe I have some weird way of seeing her? As well as other people? But I don't feel I'm at fault, I feel something had to have happened to me to be like this, cause when I was a kid, I was OK, then, it got worse and worse. She of course has her own reality. As we all have different realities.
But I do want to feel self confidence, self love, be able to interact with people without all this fucking trauma that I can't quite pinpoint. But I think I'm getting closer to the target, finally I feel I'm a bit closer. But trauma is hard to spot and kill.
I'll save my rope, and I feel everyone should have the ability to kill themselves If they want out, find that their time is over or something. But out of spite, I will at least try to hold on till next Saturday, the day I might be diagnosed with something (Maybe Aspergers) I have a feeling that something confusing is going on, a weird feeling in which I don't quite know if I'm being gaslit by my mom to feel like it is my fault, plus the urge to have this shit over with, this trauma figured out (Not necessarily fixed, but at least know the nature of it)
Can you guys help me out here with your opinions? I truly need them. It's so funny that a suicide forum allowed me to breathe and decide not to kill myself, at least for the week.
Fuck everyone who thinks Sanctioned Suicide is an evil place, and let's keep protecting free speech, so it can help people have the agency that a human deserves to have.
I got to have a heart to heart with my mom. About a ton of things of my childhood, I hope that this will be good for therapy, I even ended up telling that bitch that I dated a trans girl once, she told me how she was abused as a kid by her dad (my now dead grandpa)
And how when I was around 6-8, that she left my dad, cause of him being kind of a deadbeat who did drugs with no ambitions. (I still kinda like my dad's personality some days, although I don't like everything about him)
We ended talking a bunch, and I thought I was getting SOMEWHERE, some real connection finally, but the bitch won't take accountability, she keeps on going on how "everyone has problems in life" and "I might have screamed at you and your sister for around 2 years because I was feeling really bad", but it's also your fault, cause later on you did X and Y and Z and life then happened with this or that life event.
And when I wanted to lock in that maybe my trauma is due to that time, she just continued on to tell me how when I was a teenager I would be really angry and hard to talk to and refused help from everyone, even therapists.
That again, she says that "I'm worth it and wonderful, and smart, and a lot of other qualities" and that "She doesn't know what the fuck is wrong with me and I should be happy, cause she says it is exhausting being with me being sad every day."
However, we tend to skip around the part where for 2 years she was super depressed and treated us poorly, and I have an ick, a feeling that point she so speedely skips over, might be the cause of my failure to develop properly later, she counters saying "we all have problems, we didn't have the curse of the internet like you do, and we had to go places and suffer, you got it so easy"
She 100% did hard drugs right before or around the time she had me, although she will never get into depth with that (I respect that boundary)
But yea, she's like totally dismissive of how I felt with all that happened, and just focuses on how I ended up a "problem teenager", because I refused to be stepped over and had my own views on things at the time, we fought quite a lot for years, and while I know I'm not perfect, I just want my mom to fucking say "I'M SORRY OKAY!? I'M SORRY"
Instead of just brushing everything off and just saying "Well, I was more abused than you, and I survived, so you should just deal with it, go outside, do things you like, find a job"
For her the solution is "OH SO SIMPLE" and she reacts positively when I show affection, but I feel like I lose when I do, like she "wins" when I do that, because in every conversation we have about this, I'm ALWAYS the one who has to take medication, do some more therapy, "just get over it" or whatever the fuck. I try to explain it, that what I want is to get to the core of why I'm fucked up so I can fix it and feel better, she says there's no point in that, and I end up going here again, the only fucking place where I feel someone gets me.
I don't know what opinion I hold of my mom, maybe I have some weird way of seeing her? As well as other people? But I don't feel I'm at fault, I feel something had to have happened to me to be like this, cause when I was a kid, I was OK, then, it got worse and worse. She of course has her own reality. As we all have different realities.
But I do want to feel self confidence, self love, be able to interact with people without all this fucking trauma that I can't quite pinpoint. But I think I'm getting closer to the target, finally I feel I'm a bit closer. But trauma is hard to spot and kill.
I'll save my rope, and I feel everyone should have the ability to kill themselves If they want out, find that their time is over or something. But out of spite, I will at least try to hold on till next Saturday, the day I might be diagnosed with something (Maybe Aspergers) I have a feeling that something confusing is going on, a weird feeling in which I don't quite know if I'm being gaslit by my mom to feel like it is my fault, plus the urge to have this shit over with, this trauma figured out (Not necessarily fixed, but at least know the nature of it)
Can you guys help me out here with your opinions? I truly need them. It's so funny that a suicide forum allowed me to breathe and decide not to kill myself, at least for the week.
Fuck everyone who thinks Sanctioned Suicide is an evil place, and let's keep protecting free speech, so it can help people have the agency that a human deserves to have.
