Ever since I was maybe 12/13 I've wanted to end my life. started off with bullying at school then developed into more as I got older.
I have never been able to find happiness. Sure, I'd have spells of it here and there, but overall, I just can't stay happy. I've moved around A LOT, different areas of my home country(England) and the world to see if that changes anything. for a while it does and then it all comes flooding back in.
I was constantly having these voices in my head telling me Im worthless, I don't deserve to live, no one will miss me etc and I just gave up. The first time I tried to end it I was 14, I got home from a long day of constant bullying at school, to an empty house. Parents were at work till late, sister was out, cant remember where, so I had lots of time alone and I just grabbed a load of pills and a bottle of my step dad's whiskey and got to taking them all.
Next thing I know I wake up a few hours later , on my bedroom floor , a bit dazed but still alive. I assumed I just didn't take enough pills.
The 2nd attempt was pretty similar, this was months later. I crushed up about 80 odd pills this time into a bottle of vodka I had stolen earlier, but again woke up a few hours later on the floor, dazed and hungover but again still alive.
After that I just thought maybe I'm just meant to life abd suffer, so justI got on with life.
Then 10 years or so later, after going on a years travel work thing round Australia, where for the most part, I had been happy for most of it, I returned back to England abd soon enough I reverted back to my depressed self. I had this thought that maybe it was just Englabd that was making me feel like this so I was determined to leave again and see the world and see if I can get back how I felt in Australia .
I then spent 7 years or so in France helping my folks build property, nothing changed. After that, I returned to England and again moved to s new area. Made some good friends, had a decent life there and wasn't quite as depressed. But eventually the depression returned again and I tried to end it again. though obviously failed again, a failure at that as I was at life.
I tried speaking with family about it but they just laughed at me abd said I was just being stupid, tried to speak with friends and they didn't know how to react, I also went to see a shrink, though that was Useless .
Then a few weeks later I was at work and started getting all drowsy. Thought it was just yhe lab I worked in being boiling, so started to walk to the door to get sone fresh air, but I didn't make it, I collapsed and passed out .
Ended up in hospital where I found out I had a build up of fluid on the brain which is why I collapsed, but also they found a tumor. I had surgery to release the fluid but nothing could be done about the tumor.
A few weeks later I was released and went home... alone again. That led to everything returning and if it wasn't for friends just turning up on the fly, I would have tried to end it again .
Any way, few years later I got a call that both my Nan and uncle had passed away, so I went back there to see the family abd go yo the funeral
Whilst there I was told that between them, they had left me a nice amount of money in their wills and instantly I thought, this is my chance to go travellings again, get away from here abd try abd find that feeling I had had in Australia a few years back.
So a few months later I did it, booked a one way flight to Oz and went. It really wasn't as good as I remembered haha , still I was happier than I had been in a long time. My visa was coming to an end and had to find where to go next. After talking to many in my hostel, I settled on Bali.
Thats where I became an idiot. I partied a lot, spent LOADS of money and slept around. I was obsessed with trying to be happy and ignored everything else. The problem is I also ignored my visa ending, well not ignored just forgot about it.
Once I finally remembered it was months later. Now its years later and im still here and in a LOT of trouble. Im paying off a HUGE fine and facing a very long prison sentence if I can'tpay it all. Thankfully I quit drinking a few years ago as that was a big reason as to why I got in this situation .
I tried talking with the embassy but they can't help and my times running out to get out of this. Im out of money, I cant find a way to make any more and im having to borrow off family to keep going.
As you can imagine, this situation and my depression are really not a good mix. A few weeks ago I tried to hang myself, once again failed(obviously ) and now I'm trying to find a way that actually works finally. My life is a failed experiment , theres no fixing it, I'm not fixing this situation and if I did yhe prison time, by the time I got out Id be too old to do anything, plus I'd be made to return to England anyway so I can't go through that again.
So my life is over, I just can't find a way to actually end it that works. I don't believe in God at all, but it does feel like if he really does exist, he just wants me to suffer ha.
Anyway, if you've made it this far I commend you for lasting all the way through and apologize for the novel.
This isn't even everything, I shortened it as much as I could or this would be a lot longer. Just needed to get it out
I have never been able to find happiness. Sure, I'd have spells of it here and there, but overall, I just can't stay happy. I've moved around A LOT, different areas of my home country(England) and the world to see if that changes anything. for a while it does and then it all comes flooding back in.
I was constantly having these voices in my head telling me Im worthless, I don't deserve to live, no one will miss me etc and I just gave up. The first time I tried to end it I was 14, I got home from a long day of constant bullying at school, to an empty house. Parents were at work till late, sister was out, cant remember where, so I had lots of time alone and I just grabbed a load of pills and a bottle of my step dad's whiskey and got to taking them all.
Next thing I know I wake up a few hours later , on my bedroom floor , a bit dazed but still alive. I assumed I just didn't take enough pills.
The 2nd attempt was pretty similar, this was months later. I crushed up about 80 odd pills this time into a bottle of vodka I had stolen earlier, but again woke up a few hours later on the floor, dazed and hungover but again still alive.
After that I just thought maybe I'm just meant to life abd suffer, so justI got on with life.
Then 10 years or so later, after going on a years travel work thing round Australia, where for the most part, I had been happy for most of it, I returned back to England abd soon enough I reverted back to my depressed self. I had this thought that maybe it was just Englabd that was making me feel like this so I was determined to leave again and see the world and see if I can get back how I felt in Australia .
I then spent 7 years or so in France helping my folks build property, nothing changed. After that, I returned to England and again moved to s new area. Made some good friends, had a decent life there and wasn't quite as depressed. But eventually the depression returned again and I tried to end it again. though obviously failed again, a failure at that as I was at life.
I tried speaking with family about it but they just laughed at me abd said I was just being stupid, tried to speak with friends and they didn't know how to react, I also went to see a shrink, though that was Useless .
Then a few weeks later I was at work and started getting all drowsy. Thought it was just yhe lab I worked in being boiling, so started to walk to the door to get sone fresh air, but I didn't make it, I collapsed and passed out .
Ended up in hospital where I found out I had a build up of fluid on the brain which is why I collapsed, but also they found a tumor. I had surgery to release the fluid but nothing could be done about the tumor.
A few weeks later I was released and went home... alone again. That led to everything returning and if it wasn't for friends just turning up on the fly, I would have tried to end it again .
Any way, few years later I got a call that both my Nan and uncle had passed away, so I went back there to see the family abd go yo the funeral
Whilst there I was told that between them, they had left me a nice amount of money in their wills and instantly I thought, this is my chance to go travellings again, get away from here abd try abd find that feeling I had had in Australia a few years back.
So a few months later I did it, booked a one way flight to Oz and went. It really wasn't as good as I remembered haha , still I was happier than I had been in a long time. My visa was coming to an end and had to find where to go next. After talking to many in my hostel, I settled on Bali.
Thats where I became an idiot. I partied a lot, spent LOADS of money and slept around. I was obsessed with trying to be happy and ignored everything else. The problem is I also ignored my visa ending, well not ignored just forgot about it.
Once I finally remembered it was months later. Now its years later and im still here and in a LOT of trouble. Im paying off a HUGE fine and facing a very long prison sentence if I can'tpay it all. Thankfully I quit drinking a few years ago as that was a big reason as to why I got in this situation .
I tried talking with the embassy but they can't help and my times running out to get out of this. Im out of money, I cant find a way to make any more and im having to borrow off family to keep going.
As you can imagine, this situation and my depression are really not a good mix. A few weeks ago I tried to hang myself, once again failed(obviously ) and now I'm trying to find a way that actually works finally. My life is a failed experiment , theres no fixing it, I'm not fixing this situation and if I did yhe prison time, by the time I got out Id be too old to do anything, plus I'd be made to return to England anyway so I can't go through that again.
So my life is over, I just can't find a way to actually end it that works. I don't believe in God at all, but it does feel like if he really does exist, he just wants me to suffer ha.
Anyway, if you've made it this far I commend you for lasting all the way through and apologize for the novel.
This isn't even everything, I shortened it as much as I could or this would be a lot longer. Just needed to get it out
