glided~hydrangea
Member
- Jan 2, 2026
- 34
A few weeks ago I was with my friend going on a light-hearted, not at all serious two-man. Literally just because she didn't want as much awkward silence and I'm a great talker so it was nice to be able to support her. It was later in the night my but everything was fine—we laughed, joked, drove around to literally js run a quick errand, and smoked in their car. My friend and her guy were making out, we wanted to give them more of privacy. TLDR; he raped me. He was considerably older than me. I've taken a few of those early-detecting tests, and surprise I'm pregnant. This isn't the first time I've been raped, nor is it the first I've fallen pregnant because of it. Last time, I spiraled into a two-and-a-half year depression, consisting of a very strong line of socially frowned-upon outlets including but not limited to: Intense sh, ed (purging disorder, specifically), very heavy drinking and drug abuse, hyper sexuality, etc. I also developed PTSD and Anxiety (obviously, lol).
The primary issue I'm facing is, as ironic as my actions make it seem, I'm very Christian and deeply religious. The previous time I didn't know what else to do but heavily drink and do everything I could to make it go away, and eventually it worked. No one even found out (not to flex or anything
), but the guilt still haunts me and ruins my life to this day. Now, I'm about 4 weeks sober and in my educational life I really need to lock the fuck in because I'm in that "next stepping-stone" stage, and I'm in a lot of leadership and well-involved positions.
If it were up to just me, I would easily fall back into my drug habits and do what I could, but I'm being much more closely monitored now for different past occasions and poor choices I made, so it's going to be increasingly more difficult to come by them. Additionally, there's already a few people who know about these issues, and feel, I'm their heavily-misguided, hero-complex that if they "hear something, they should say something." Which ik is the type of bullshit we all hate to hear, which is why we're on this site in the first place.
I have no idea what to do, I can't drive anywhere to do anything, either. I'm so lost. I'm holding everything in together as much as I can, so I'm thankfully not that upset and just more numb, but I feel like it's more of that quiet-before-the-storm than anything else. Any helpful advice and support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all and wish me luck.
The primary issue I'm facing is, as ironic as my actions make it seem, I'm very Christian and deeply religious. The previous time I didn't know what else to do but heavily drink and do everything I could to make it go away, and eventually it worked. No one even found out (not to flex or anything
), but the guilt still haunts me and ruins my life to this day. Now, I'm about 4 weeks sober and in my educational life I really need to lock the fuck in because I'm in that "next stepping-stone" stage, and I'm in a lot of leadership and well-involved positions. If it were up to just me, I would easily fall back into my drug habits and do what I could, but I'm being much more closely monitored now for different past occasions and poor choices I made, so it's going to be increasingly more difficult to come by them. Additionally, there's already a few people who know about these issues, and feel, I'm their heavily-misguided, hero-complex that if they "hear something, they should say something." Which ik is the type of bullshit we all hate to hear, which is why we're on this site in the first place.
I have no idea what to do, I can't drive anywhere to do anything, either. I'm so lost. I'm holding everything in together as much as I can, so I'm thankfully not that upset and just more numb, but I feel like it's more of that quiet-before-the-storm than anything else. Any helpful advice and support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all and wish me luck.
