Venting my creative drive is completely gone

[mydeadflowers]

A few days ago I found a note on my phone back from December of 2023 that mentioned that I should commit suicide in December of 2026 if I don't get any better at art than a friend that I used to look up to. Thinking of it just feels completely soul crushing given how I wrote that back when I was putting in a lot of effort towards recovery after a suicide attempt earlier that year, and ever since that attempt my motivation for drawing has declined. I think I was noticing it at the time as I wrote it out of desperation in order to pressure myself into drawing more. I ended up doing so for a little bit but once I got preoccupied with new things such as college, starting my first job, and dealing with people entering and leaving my life so fast, I just completely stopped.

I'm not sure what happened but it feels like a part of myself is dead now. All throughout my life I would draw just for the fun of it, I don't even consider myself good at anything art related, but the fact that I felt enough love towards my interests to warrant drawing anything related to them was present all throughout my life until that point. It's been completely gone for about a year and a half now and it feels like I'm not myself anymore. Seeing the art of my friends and those who I look up to just hurts so much since I so desperately want to share that love with them again, but I feel so distant. The rise in AI generated content over the past few years has only exacerbated how crushing this feeling is since it feels like the entire world is becoming so much less creative as well. I don't know whether or not this feeling is considered "normal", but noticing that the childlike wonder of creativity is completely gone from me and the world I live in is just so horrible.

I feel compelled to stay alive for another year at least just to see if my motivation for any sort of hobby returns, but it's really hard.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Experiencing fluctuation about passions you have I think is completely normal. I was for some time really hooked on learning Japanese to a high level, nowadays I'm kind of meh.

But it doesn't mean it was wasted time nor does it mean that the passion can't return in the future, regardless of AI generated crap.

 

[Wolf Girl]

It sounds a bit like anhedonia which is a part of depression. I think there is hope for you to get back to it, but I really discourage you from making your friend's art some sort of finish line for you with a deadline attached. That thinking will definitely cripple your creativity further..

 

[horrorofBeing]

A few days ago I found a note on my phone back from December of 2023 that mentioned that I should commit suicide in December of 2026 if I don't get any better at art than a friend that I used to look up to. Thinking of it just feels completely soul crushing given how I wrote that back when I was putting in a lot of effort towards recovery after a suicide attempt earlier that year, and ever since that attempt my motivation for drawing has declined. I think I was noticing it at the time as I wrote it out of desperation in order to pressure myself into drawing more. I ended up doing so for a little bit but once I got preoccupied with new things such as college, starting my first job, and dealing with people entering and leaving my life so fast, I just completely stopped.

I'm not sure what happened but it feels like a part of myself is dead now. All throughout my life I would draw just for the fun of it, I don't even consider myself good at anything art related, but the fact that I felt enough love towards my interests to warrant drawing anything related to them was present all throughout my life until that point. It's been completely gone for about a year and a half now and it feels like I'm not myself anymore. Seeing the art of my friends and those who I look up to just hurts so much since I so desperately want to share that love with them again, but I feel so distant. The rise in AI generated content over the past few years has only exacerbated how crushing this feeling is since it feels like the entire world is becoming so much less creative as well. I don't know whether or not this feeling is considered "normal", but noticing that the childlike wonder of creativity is completely gone from me and the world I live in is just so horrible.

I feel compelled to stay alive for another year at least just to see if my motivation for any sort of hobby returns, but it's really hard.

It's hard when that competitive drive to surpass your role models (tell me if I'm putting words in your mouth) starts to dissipate. Sometimes it can be devastating to look back and see goals in life haven't been met according to deadlines. But maybe there is still time to explore your art through hopelessness. Honestly your post is pretty inspirational to those of us who feel similarly. I think you're totally right about AI generated art. It sucks because it basically gathers up human made "content" (some of which could be yours or your friends) and creates something "like" those examples. What a shame because we need real examples for humans, not machines, to follow in this world.