My brain is melting, my thoughts are racing, fuck

[noname223]

I think some people might recognized it I lately write thousands of extremely long threads in this forum. I think this is a warning sign. I have changed my medication and maybe this the pay-off which I always feared about.
I just try to live as other normal human beings. I desperately search for a path how to earn money when I am older. But I am so extremely fragile. Today was a really stressful day. My brain can't really decide how it shalll react to it. It is a mixture of turning manic, psychotic and depressed. The biggest problem I have currently is my paranoia and psychotic symptoms. I just have a very weird perception of my environment. Everyone seems to be so hostile to me, I am extremely sensitive in this state. As if other people would hate me etc. I know this is often only delusional.

I am that scatterbrained that I don't even know whether I took my medication which is extremely dangerous in this mental state. Though I know for sure that I took a half pill of a benzo. Maybe I should go for the other half. But I am very scared to become an addict.

My thoughts are racing in an extreme way. It is really an unreal mental state. When I was really paranoid (today) my vision turned blurry. I have never told a professional about this symtpom. Not sure why. My stomach goes crazy. My stomach is often connected to my mental health.

I feel so mentally fucked. And the stress will increase during the next months way more. Fuck this all. It is such a hardship. I just want to have a normal brain. Like the ones of neurotypicals. You must know. I am have not done anything special today. I just went to college. For like 3 hours. I am totally mentally fucked afterwards. The things we learn are so interesting. It really makes me a lot of fun. I enjoy it. It is exciting to meet other interesting people. But my fucking nervous system can't fucking stomach a normal life. It hurts so much. And I can't do anything against it. I even tried to train my brain to become more resilient. (I increased the pensum of work slowly.) But the result was the opposite I am on the edge of getting a psychosis and need benzos. Just because of the fucking child abuse my brain can't stomach pressure. I am so fucking vulnerable. It is a joke. My whole life is a joke.

I had a lot of paranoid thoughts today. Some women were coughing all ther time who sat right next to me. I always had the paranoid feeling they almost have to throw up because I thought I would smell badly.

it feels like I am close to a mental breakdown. But my experience is when I take enough benzos etc. emergency pills I can prevent the worst. But just fuck. I want to enjoy my life. This illness determines my whole fucking life. I have to plan and balance my whole fucking life every single day just in order not to get ill again. It is ridiculous. And no just pretending I was not ill and simply doing what "feels good" is not helpful at all. If I do solely what makes fun I have in some weeks a full blown mania. Which means that the psychosomatic pain will return eventually. Which means I have to kill me.

FUCK MY LIFE; FUCK MY BRAIN; FUCK EVERYONE WHO HAS ABUSED ME; AND FUCK ALL THE BULLIES WHO SPIT ON ME

This is the result if you torture a child for a decade and longer.

 

[Foresight]

I know that more words when your brain is already spinning sometimes doesn't help, so I'll just say I would take the other half of the benzo for today, and I hope your mind/heart slows so you can get some rest. Try not to think about the rest of your life. Just try to bring some comfort for today with whatever you like. A warm drink, soft music, comfy sheets and clothes, whatever comforts you. Much love noname, I'm sorry you feel this way today. I know it's hard.

 

[noname223]

I know that more words when your brain is already spinning sometimes doesn't help, so I'll just say I would take the other half of the benzo for today, and I hope your mind/heart slows so you can get some rest. Try not to think about the rest of your life. Just try to bring some comfort for today with whatever you like. A warm drink, soft music, comfy sheets and clothes, whatever comforts you. Much love noname, I'm sorry you feel this way today. I know it's hard.

Thank you very much for your kind words! They do help. Yeah I will probably take the other half of it. I feel sorry for you at the same time. You also have a very hard time lately. I feel sorry that your current psychiatrist does not prescribe you benzos anymore. Hopefully you find a better one. You were not even addicted to them as far as I know.

I also send a lot of love and hugs back. Your words were very comforting.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry, I'm in deep distress as well, have hardy enough focus to read your post. Feel what you're going through. I just wanna die too but not sure if I can do it. This is rough. Can you enjoy healthy things like going for a walk or working on something? It's a balance of pleasure and effort, like everything in life. You need to bring extremes down and be more balanced, I guess.

 

[noname223]

Sorry, I'm in deep distress as well, have hardy enough focus to read your post. Feel what you're going through. I just wanna die too but not sure if I can do it. This is rough. Can you enjoy healthy things like going for a walk or working on something? It's a balance of pleasure and effort, like everything in life. You need to bring extremes down and be more balanced, I guess.

Yeah I can enjoy playing video games. But I am extremely scared about poverty. I think it will force me to ctb. I am just not resilient enough to deal with the stress. I am already doing way less than the average student. It is so pathetic how fragile and vulnerable I am.