Scared of new clinic stays...

[noname223]

I am not doing well. I am becoming more and more addicted to sleeping medication. In many instances people in real life tried to hurt me or manipulate me in the past 6 months There is some truth in the saying "Even a paranoid has enemies". And this definitively was not good for my mental health. I already was pretty down before my fucking aunt tried to blackmail and pressure me. And in this instance this isn't a personal interpretation it is just what my sister told me after meeting her. The whole thing is so insane. I hope I deterred her from calling a laywer on me.

I am not sure whether I want another clinic stay. In clinics you are not allowed to use sleep medication and I had to go cold turkey in a short time period. This is very dangerous for a potential mixed manic depressive episode. There were just too many emergencies in the last 6 months. I had to open up that I filed a complaint because of my therapist. And I still think this was the right choice. I don't want to let other people bully me or taking advantage of me. Despite the fact this time period was stressful as fuck.
But the people in the psychiatry could see this very critical and I have a little bit anxiety they would write something negative in my report as revenge. I know it sounds paranoid but after how all these things played out I wouldn't rule it out. The chamber of psychotherapists were also sort of discriminating me. And even mocking me. I was calling a guy who is a patient cousellor there a few months ago the first time he was fully supportive and when I called the second time he was completely dismissive of my case. He forgot me in the meantime. Which felt like another loss in trust for the system. I think though my case is pretty strong because I have hard evidence in written form. There are no claims I cannot prove. I knew they would never trust someone like me if my sources were not in written form. And strategically this approach was pretty good and an advantage.
My last stay in a mental hospital was a nightmare. The police came when I was about to attempt. I had a stay in a clinic for acute suicidal people. I was paranoid and thought I triggered someone into committing suicide. A patient killed herself. It was horrible. I think I would go to a different clinic this time.

I am not sure where I am heading. I need to get clean from these addictive sleeping pills. This gonna be really really rough. I am surprised the dependency is that strong. The last time it was pretty easy to quit them.

Tomorrow I have an important appointment. But I try to sleep with a very small benzos instead of z-medication. I know benzos are worse but I think the tolerance with z-medication is way harder. Gladly I only took the smallest dosage z-medication but way too frequently.

And on Saturday I want to text again the autistic/ADHD woman who I dated and who is now seeimgly too busy to text/meet me. Despite the fact she considered our time together great. I think if she doesn't reply I have to move on. I am also in limbo for my feelings about this.

 

[noname223]

So the appointment went pretty well.

I didn't take the z-medication to sleep but a combo of a tricyclic antidepressant and 3 drops of diazepam. I slept quite good. Certainly not perfect but well better than without the diazepam. The backside diazepam is also addictive.

So I texted the woman with autism and ADHD this evening. And she replied in a very kind way with a photo. I am not sure where this is heading. We barely had contact for 4 weeks. And we only texted one week (a lot though) and we had one date. The date was pretty amazing and I like her a lot. The whole thing is still difficult for my emotions. I am not sure how usual it is that we have 4 weeks long close to no contact. It sounded like a genuine predicament. And her reply this evening was really lovely. But I am conflicted. I don't want to give in yet. But I also don't know whether this will work after such a long break and a lot of uncertainty.

I think if we have contact again this will impact my sleep in a bad way. Also due to my overthinking. I am nervous. I am scared to become paranoid when I lack sleep. She doesn't know I had psychosis.

 

[noname223]

Okay we texted quite a lot today. I think this will impact my sleep badly. There is an inner heat that I feel. I still like her a lot. But the 2-4 week break was rough.

She posted something online in a channel where I wasn't sure how to intepret that. She told me she never uses this channel to post something. But at our date I told her that I am using this channel quite frequently. And I posted in this channel recently. I am not sure whether she noticed it. At our date she told me she won't notice it. Because she never looks at it.

Today for the first time have I seen that she posted something in this channel. And it was a message that she enjoys life currently a lot. Together with a love song. I won't say the name of the song. It left me stunned when I read the lyrics. Maybe I am reading too much into it. She told me when someone asks her how she feels she never answers the question directly. (I asked her this question.) Instead she sends the person a song and the person should focus on the lyrics.

My friends and chatGPT emphasized I should be too certain that this song actually was directed towards me. I have to say the lyrics baffled me. The song had a lot sex references.

 

[noname223]

She isn't texting. I am overthinking on an extreme level. And the lack of sleep isn't good for my sanity. I consider to take addictive medication again. I am not in a good state currently.

 

[noname223]

I think not much changed. I overthink with this woman. I am not sure whether one joke was slightly offensive. My friends say never. My brain just searches answers why she isn't responding. She told me she is very exhausted though. It is tough but I like her a lot. I wish we could meet again. I think though she is in a severe autistic burnout that doesn't disappear by having a free weekend. I gave her a break of two weeks from our texting. And told her that I hope the health of her child improves. When I texted her again she gave me an emoji with many hearts. Which felt good. I am not sure whether the song she posted was actually directed to me. Maybe that's too much wishful thinking.

My aunt deleted my contact from her phone most likely. Which is a good thing. I did it first. She doesn't seem to be out for legal revenge. Not more. She hopefully just moves on. I didn't like her inter alia because she reminded me of myself. Or at least the sides of myself that I don't like much.

I watch German politics lectures currently. Now about Hegel. I want to understand one of my favorite intellectuals Slavoj Zizek more.

I don't take any z-medication for 1,5 weeks. I sleep roughly 5-7 hours per night. Actually, this sounds like much. But sleep is for so extremely important to stay stable. 10 hours are the best. But even with addictive medication I sleep maximum 7 hours. This isn't good. My sleep rhythm is also a little bit scary to me. Old strategies are not working anymore. Which leaves me puzzled. I have to prevent a mixed manic-depressive episode. But if the contact with this woman will stop I will crash so fucking hard.

 

[noname223]

A friend visited me today. And I am not in a good shape. We had a good time together.

But the autistic/ADHD woman with whom I text time to time posted again something in her status. Despite the fact she told me she wasn't using the status. I wasn't sure whether she wanted to send me a message by posting a song in her status recently. I told her I often check the status on there. Despite the fact my friends and AI chatbots warned me not to do that I interpreted it as subliminal message. In our exchange she told me she sends songs to other people if she has no words to describe something. And the people should focus on the lyrics. The first song could have fit to our situation quite well. And I saw her status for the first time since 4 weeks. Which either means she never used it beforehand during these 4 weeks or that she saved me as contact only recently and that's the reason why I couldn't see her status beforehand.

The new status is probably not directed me. Or it confuses me. My first assumption was I should ask her for a date. Because the lyrics of the song describe that you have to risk friendships and be couragous if you have romantic interests. Though, the picture she put into the status makes it likely that she is talking about a former contact. Maybe an ex boyfriend. It is very unclear.

I am pretty puzzled and it seems possible I got something fundamentally wrong. Something in me wants to ask her for a second date. And if she rejects I am free from this spell. The current siuation isn't good for me. But it is probably not the ideal situation to ask for another date.

Other possible explanation: the contact always was fully platonic. We met us in a dating section of an app though. I wouldn't rule that explanation out.

I gonna crash so hard. I sent her a short friendly message today. Thus far she ignored it.

Another explanation: the whole thing is really a sophisticated mind fuck to play with men like me. And honestly I met quite some women who were out for that. I might attract such women. For me it seems like a waste of time. But some seem to enjoy that.

Edit: Okay she sent me a really kind and warm answer. I will ask her for a (econd) date next. Wish me luck.
She sent me a second very lengthy and kind reply. I will write her a good answer and ask her for a date.

 

[Pluto]