Venting My boyfriend makes me want to live

[sohopelessandempty]

Not sure if this belongs in recovery because of all the mixed feelings. I have gone through many struggles in my life and I'm still going through things that I don't feel like talking about right now, but a huge reason I don't want to CTB is because of my wonderful, loving boyfriend. I have other reasons and relying on one person for my will to live or just general happiness isn't healthy and I'm aware. I don't rely on him for that, he just happens to bring me joy. And I don't just want to live for another person, if I must live I want to do it for myself too. I have many other reasons I am still here(not all of them are good though but whatever). He always makes me change my mind, and when I spend time with him for once I think life is worth living. I almost never usually think that. Even though life is excruciatingly painful, I just can't imagine leaving him :(. I truly love him, and he's the only person I ever loved this much. Every time I imagine my suicide plans, I imagine seeing him one last time. To hear his voice, to see his smile, to feel him wrap his arms around me. He wouldn't know it's the last but I would. And whenever I think about that, I always cry. I can't do it. I promised him I wouldn't kill myself. I wonder if any of you feel the same, I'm sorry if it sounds like bragging as I know a lot of people here are lonely. I feel so conflicted all the time because of this. I know my suicide would hurt him, and I never want to hurt him despite the pain I am in. I feel like things will never get better for me, but I stay anyways. He makes me want to stay, but the rest of the people around me and life in general always remind me why I want to die to begin with. I'm just tired. I don't know how to deal with being alive, but I don't know how to deal with what comes with trying to die either. So I guess I'm making this post to say, I will try to live. I can't kill myself, I can't do that to him. I still want to die though so I figured I'd come here to rant.

 

[prettyclam]

It doesn't sound like you're bragging. You're lucky to have someone you love who loves you back. I struggle with the same issue. After seeing my girlfriend, it's like the desire to die disappears, but when shes gone the feeling returns. Somedays I care about how she'll feel when I ctb, while others I don't. It's just the stressful struggle of having to choose your own peace over others. Sounds like your bf brings you lots of happiness tho❤

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's really lovely that you feel that way. Do you suppose if you could be with one another more, it could banish the thoughts all together?

I'm such a pessimist now really. I would have wanted this at one time but now, it would feel like a complication I think. I wouldn't want more tethers here. Probably strange to say but, I don't really long for things now. Not even to be happy because, I doubt it would last. (For me that is- I hope it does last for you.)

I'm glad you have this though. I imagine it must be one of the best feelings in the world.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

It's really lovely that you feel that way. Do you suppose if you could be with one another more, it could banish the thoughts all together?

I'm such a pessimist now really. I would have wanted this at one time but now, it would feel like a complication I think. I wouldn't want more tethers here. Probably strange to say but, I don't really long for things now. Not even to be happy because, I doubt it would last. (For me that is- I hope it does last for you.)

I'm glad you have this though. I imagine it must be one of the best feelings in the world.

Not sure since I haven't experienced that, we'd have to move in together for me to really know if it would banish the thoughts altogether. He lives kinda far so we only get to hangout every 1-2 weeks. I understand not longing for things anymore, I've felt that way at one point but things are different with him. I thought the part of me that longed for anything besides death didn't exist anymore, but he makes me long for a brighter future and gives me hope. It's a good feeling but very conflicting when most other people/things in my life are shitty. I understand why now you wouldn't want this and it would just get in your way. I do hope you find peace someday, whatever it is.

It doesn't sound like you're bragging. You're lucky to have someone you love who loves you back. I struggle with the same issue. After seeing my girlfriend, it's like the desire to die disappears, but when shes gone the feeling returns. Somedays I care about how she'll feel when I ctb, while others I don't. It's just the stressful struggle of having to choose your own peace over others. Sounds like your bf brings you lots of happiness tho❤

YES YOU UNDERSTAND. They make the pain go away but only temporarily. And it's an endless cycle. It's not his fault, some of us just don't want to live and there is something deep inside me that can't stand all the suffering that comes with being alive. I care about how others would feel if I were to ctb too, but sometimes the pain just overwhelms you and you don't think/worry much about that.

 

[SoulCage]

I wanted to let you know that I am currently dealing with the exact same dilemma. Your rant could have been from me. And it's also always hard for me to mention my boyfriend here or anywhere for that matter. Because I sometimes get the "you have it much better than me, because you have a loving boyfriend" complaint and it hurts a lot.
Like I am not allowed to feel depressed about my pain/anxiety and the state of the world.

Recently, I forced myself to just endure the pain and avoid trying to fix anything anymore, because it's just pointless extra work. A lot of people sold me the idea of "just try x or y and then you'll get better" and couldn't resist to try for myself. But nope, I am done.

Not sure how much longer I can force myself to accept the suffering... to ignore my internal warning signals...
I might still end up in a very weak spot and then my mind wants to make it stop at all costs. Make me believe that it's better for him when I am gone...
I hope it happens sooner than later.

sorry, I said a lot about myself..
But I am hoping you will feel less shit when you read that it's okay to be suicidal - even when you have someone in your life sho loves you.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I wanted to let you know that I am currently dealing with the exact same dilemma. Your rant could have been from me. And it's also always hard for me to mention my boyfriend here or anywhere for that matter. Because I sometimes get the "you have it much better than me, because you have a loving boyfriend" complaint and it hurts a lot.
Like I am not allowed to feel depressed about my pain/anxiety and the state of the world.

Recently, I forced myself to just endure the pain and avoid trying to fix anything anymore, because it's just pointless extra work. A lot of people sold me the idea of "just try x or y and then you'll get better" and couldn't resist to try for myself. But nope, I am done.

Not sure how much longer I can force myself to accept the suffering... to ignore my internal warning signals...
I might still end up in a very weak spot and then my mind wants to make it stop at all costs. Make me believe that it's better for him when I am gone...
I hope it happens sooner than later.

sorry, I said a lot about myself..
But I am hoping you will feel less shit when you read that it's okay to be suicidal - even when you have someone in your life sho loves you.

Yes finally someone who understands. There's always someone who is more alone or has it worse than we do but it doesn't invalidate anyone's suffering. Anybody can be suicidal despite having this and that. Your reply does make me feel better.