undecidedfool
I'm just here.
- Oct 29, 2024
- 26
My mood just went from numb to genuinely upset.
I know my boss didn't mean it in a harsh way. She knows I'm struggling and doesn't want to add more pressure. So she asked if wanted to put my notice in. We've been talking about me applying for a position that is opening up at one of the companies we work closely with. She told me before that it should be an easy switch because it's basically be a simplified version of my current job and she already put in a good word for me.
I know I could get it even if I left my current position, but the new one doesn't open up for another month. I would have to barely scrape by with the savings I have, and my chances of getting the job would go down, potentially leaving me unemployed with no plan after that.
I wasn't feeling so pressured about time to ctb, but now I have the whole day to myself today because I called off. It would be the perfect day to do it. I rambled about timing in my last post. I concluded there was no rush, because now my method is all set and ready. Now I'm afraid of losing my job, then having no time alone because my partner will be home almost everyday starting tomorrow. No time alone means no good time to ctb, especially because he knows I'm suicidal.
Sorry I don't know how clear this stupid post is. I've spent so much time with my suicidal thoughts stemming from completely internal mental health issues (which partially stem from the general state of the world I guess). I didn't plan on an outside factor like that determining my overall timing. Before outside factors just made me think about what time of day or how to slip away. Now I feel backed into a wall. Like the only ways out are being miserable either trying to keep my job or scrape by without it, or I can ctb.
Then again, just an hour ago I was ready to ctb, even before we had talked. The only reason I didn't was because I was struggling to get up. I'm so fucking tired of how my brain works. I guess being suicidal is only fine when I don't feel backed into a shit(tier) situation.
I also suppose I said here that I wasn't going back to work this past week. Maybe this is the universe playing with me for unintentionally lying. Probably not, but we can blame it anyway.
Sorry for this weird ramble/vent. I hope it makes sense. I think I just needed to put it out in the world.
I know my boss didn't mean it in a harsh way. She knows I'm struggling and doesn't want to add more pressure. So she asked if wanted to put my notice in. We've been talking about me applying for a position that is opening up at one of the companies we work closely with. She told me before that it should be an easy switch because it's basically be a simplified version of my current job and she already put in a good word for me.
I know I could get it even if I left my current position, but the new one doesn't open up for another month. I would have to barely scrape by with the savings I have, and my chances of getting the job would go down, potentially leaving me unemployed with no plan after that.
I wasn't feeling so pressured about time to ctb, but now I have the whole day to myself today because I called off. It would be the perfect day to do it. I rambled about timing in my last post. I concluded there was no rush, because now my method is all set and ready. Now I'm afraid of losing my job, then having no time alone because my partner will be home almost everyday starting tomorrow. No time alone means no good time to ctb, especially because he knows I'm suicidal.
Sorry I don't know how clear this stupid post is. I've spent so much time with my suicidal thoughts stemming from completely internal mental health issues (which partially stem from the general state of the world I guess). I didn't plan on an outside factor like that determining my overall timing. Before outside factors just made me think about what time of day or how to slip away. Now I feel backed into a wall. Like the only ways out are being miserable either trying to keep my job or scrape by without it, or I can ctb.
Then again, just an hour ago I was ready to ctb, even before we had talked. The only reason I didn't was because I was struggling to get up. I'm so fucking tired of how my brain works. I guess being suicidal is only fine when I don't feel backed into a shit(tier) situation.
I also suppose I said here that I wasn't going back to work this past week. Maybe this is the universe playing with me for unintentionally lying. Probably not, but we can blame it anyway.
Sorry for this weird ramble/vent. I hope it makes sense. I think I just needed to put it out in the world.
