Money, always fucking money

[woofwag]

I am running out of money. There is no work I can do. I am disabled with no experience, so I'm pretty much fucked. I also have so many mental disabilities that there's practically nothing I can do. People always suggest call center jobs, but my call anxiety is so bad that I would be having non-stop panic attacks if I tried that. Then there's doordash, but I also have driving anxiety and doordash is barely enough to cover just the cost of gas anyway. I live in a small town, so there's not a lot of options for work here. And it's so funny, because all the things I want to do, all the things I could do, I can't access them because of lack of money. Can't travel. Can't do ketamine therapy, I can barely afford my base therapy. Can't get top surgery to relieve my dysphoria. Can't do fucking SHIT. And now my student loans are piling up, and my car needs to be fixed, and I don't have enough money for rent, and the only reason I can even buy food is because of my food stamps. So at least there's that. Yay me.

The only other option? Apply for disability. But that takes a year minimum to get approved (most of the time it takes even longer than that), and I don't fucking have a year minimum. Once I run out of money, I'll be forced to move back in with my mom. And I can't. I cannot be around her, in that house, where everything happened. Where she constantly gaslights me and makes me feel like I'm fucking insane for talking about the things my dad did to me, or anything else for that matter. Where she freaks out over every little thing and makes it my problem. That's a death sentence in of itself. I'd rather spend my last bit of time here, with my friends and my community. Although I'm so depressed I barely go out these days anyway.

So money is gonna kill me. I was suicidal without it, but it's just the final kicker. I hate capitalism. I hate being disabled. I hate being burnt out to the point of not being able to do anything. I hate it all. I just want to do drugs and die. That's it. Hopefully early next month I'll kick the bucket for good. And thankfully, I don't have to pay a dime to be a corpse.

 

[gunmetalblue11]

I'm sorry man, I know how stressful money issues can be. It's like waiting for impending doom, especially when you don't have family to lean on and help you out. It's a lonely and distressing experience.
Sadly I don't have advice for you because I never found good solutions for similar situations in time, but all I'll tell you is that people can relate and are listening. Hope things work out for you.

 

[woofwag]

I'm sorry man, I know how stressful money issues can be. It's like waiting for impending doom, especially when you don't have family to lean on and help you out. It's a lonely and distressing experience.
Sadly I don't have advice for you because I never found good solutions for similar situations in time, but all I'll tell you is that people can relate and are listening. Hope things work out for you.

That's alright, I don't really want solutions anyway. I'm too jaded and unmotivated right now to accept them. I know people just want to help, but rn all I want is to feel witnessed and like people care. So, thank you. Every message I get on here truly means something to me.

 

[gunmetalblue11]

Your welcome. If ever you need dm's are open. I'm not constantly on here but if needed the offer stands.

 

[_Vasa&Me_]

My goodness... I am at a loss of words, I feel so bad for you rn, seriously. I was already shocked by the disorder figure, but apparently it can always get worse, and here I thought me having to drop 2 courses this semester as well as wasting the past couple of months doing nothing was "next-level" bad lmao.

I know that we're all on the internet and everything, not really there for you or anything, but you REALLY do deserve better, and I hope there will eventually be light at the end of your tunnel, whether that be joy of finding happiness in this life, or happiness from leaving this life.

Also I just wanted to mention that living such a life, and still being able to keep going (at least at this point) makes you such an incredibly strong guy its unreal, yes a GUY, cuz you gotta have some real BALLS (joke intended) to be someone like you. Hopefully you can get the surgery and confirm that which already exists and has always existed :3

You mentioned friends and community, now I do not know under this specific context whether you meant friends here and our community or irl friends and some accepting community for you, but I hope you can reach out to anyone available and at the very least understand that someone is out there for you, cuz you truly deserve a good ending!

 

[woofwag]

My goodness... I am at a loss of words, I feel so bad for you rn, seriously. I was already shocked by the the disorder figure, but apparently it can always get worse, and here I thought me having to drop 2 courses this semester as well as wasting the past couple of months doing nothing was "next-level" bad lmao.

I know that we're all on the internet and everything, not really there for you or anything, but you REALLY do deserve better, and I hope there will eventually be light at the end of your tunnel, whether that be joy of finding happiness in this life, or happiness from leaving this life.

Also I just wanted to mention that living such a life, and still being able to keep going (at least at this point) makes you such an incredibly strong guy its unreal, yes a GUY, cuz you gotta have some real BALLS (joke intended) to be someone like you. Hopefully you can get the surgery and confirm that which already exists and has always existed :3

You mentioned friends and community, now I do not know under this specific context whether you meant friends here and our community or irl friends and some accepting community for you, but I hope you can reach out to anyone available and at the very least understand that someone is out there for you, cuz you truly deserve a good ending!

Thank you so much for saying all this, it really does mean a lot to me :,) I've read it a few times over now and it makes me feel all sentimental lol. Testosterone be damned, I'm still a sappy guy. The whole dropping courses thing really is no big deal. People do it all the time! Very successful people too. I know a few who graduated and got a free ride to grad school even though they dropped a couple courses along the way. I fucked up and got 5 credits short of graduating because I messed up counting how many I needed. Dyscalculia really destroyed my whole academic career. I would have graduated with the highest honors, too. It's a shame I can't afford to finish my degree now.

I hope so too. I'm pretty set on dying now, but I've at least found a few small comforts these days. I went to a Thanksgiving dinner with my neighbor, and the chaos was the most comforting chaos I've experienced in a while. I looked around, watching them trip over each other as they carried out plate after plate, shoving more expensive chardonnay into buckets of ice, decorating and cooking and washing dishes. And I just thought, "oh, this is how they do it in the movies. This is like an authentic family." They even told me that they were happy to have me because they needed a "weird cousin" lol. Definitely happy to provide that service.

Anyway that's a long tangent but yeah. I've got a lot of friends in my town who truly care. Makes this extra hard for me. But dying is all I can think about now. And I'm really grateful to have found this online community, too. I feel like y'all understand how it is in a way that most people can't. I hope my death won't be devastating to anyone here. Personally, I take comfort in knowing that it will be the ultimate form of peace.

 

[Off_Switch]

Are you a U.S. citizen? If so, apply for every disability benefit you can get your hands on. If they won't allow us access to easy ways out, then they gotta pay for us to be here.

 

[woofwag]

Are you a U.S. citizen? If so, apply for every disability benefit you can get your hands on. If they won't allow us access to easy ways out, then they gotta pay for us to be here.

Yeah I am, but most of those are still going to take an extended amount of time to payout. Time I don't have. And I doubt they can help with my student loans. There's more than just money too; like I'm paranoid to talk about it too much online, but I um... well let's just say I fucked up bad while driving a while ago and I still don't know what's going to happen with that. Thank fuck no one was hurt. But it didn't help my driving anxiety for sure! And if I have to deal with some kind of police report because of it, I will IMMEDIATELY kill myself, zero hesitation. My dad is a cop. I can't deal with them to any degree. Especially not like that. So yeah I kind of have everything going wrong for me, and I still need to get more credits if I actually want to graduate, which I find extremely unlikely that I could get the rest of those costs covered.

 

[telekon]

I am running out of money. There is no work I can do. I am disabled with no experience, so I'm pretty much fucked. I also have so many mental disabilities that there's practically nothing I can do. People always suggest call center jobs, but my call anxiety is so bad that I would be having non-stop panic attacks if I tried that. Then there's doordash, but I also have driving anxiety and doordash is barely enough to cover just the cost of gas anyway. I live in a small town, so there's not a lot of options for work here. And it's so funny, because all the things I want to do, all the things I could do, I can't access them because of lack of money. Can't travel. Can't do ketamine therapy, I can barely afford my base therapy. Can't get top surgery to relieve my dysphoria. Can't do fucking SHIT. And now my student loans are piling up, and my car needs to be fixed, and I don't have enough money for rent, and the only reason I can even buy food is because of my food stamps. So at least there's that. Yay me.

The only other option? Apply for disability. But that takes a year minimum to get approved (most of the time it takes even longer than that), and I don't fucking have a year minimum. Once I run out of money, I'll be forced to move back in with my mom. And I can't. I cannot be around her, in that house, where everything happened. Where she constantly gaslights me and makes me feel like I'm fucking insane for talking about the things my dad did to me, or anything else for that matter. Where she freaks out over every little thing and makes it my problem. That's a death sentence in of itself. I'd rather spend my last bit of time here, with my friends and my community. Although I'm so depressed I barely go out these days anyway.

So money is gonna kill me. I was suicidal without it, but it's just the final kicker. I hate capitalism. I hate being disabled. I hate being burnt out to the point of not being able to do anything. I hate it all. I just want to do drugs and die. That's it. Hopefully early next month I'll kick the bucket for good. And thankfully, I don't have to pay a dime to be a corpse.

At the very least you have a roof over your head. The alternative is homelessness.

I say this with complete understanding because I too have a mother who I often get confused with Lucifer, but if she gave me a roof over my head I would take it. I'm in a similar situation, 2$ in my bank account, pending eviction, etc.

 

[karakoltriste]

Fucking same. I'm so sorry. I hate money and can't work because I'm disabled too I live in Spain, where they assign a percentage to your disability. I have a 42% disability rating, which is unfair, and to receive €590 I should have a 65%. I also have no friends, and those two things are worsening my depression.