BlueberryDeer
Lottery or Suicide, whatever comes first
- Nov 20, 2025
- 93
I don't know how to start this post, but let me be clear: I am certainly NOT trolling or sh**posting. It's my real truth. If you want to believe me and discuss with me in a logical manner, welcome, if you think I'm lying or only clickbaiting, just ignore this post.
As the title suggests, I want to discuss something serious to me. I called the "Meta-mental disorder" that is desiring to have a real mental disorder or even start lying about the symptoms of the common known ones (Hallucinations, paranoia, severe depression, etc.).
It is not for the purpose of fraud the health system or insurance to obtain disability benefits. It's to have a justification for my suicide. So basically have a scapegoat.
Sure, it's an offensive perspective to people (And I am asking for comprehension and my apologies for the people who are really struggling or controlling their own disorders) who really were diagnosed and having controlled the symptons via meds and therapy, but what really concerns me is why the heck I fantasy with this a lot. And if this could be actually a symptom of any real disorder, like narcissist personality, paranoia, or whatever.
I am not having any hallucinations. However, I have some ammnesiac episodes. For example, three shirts dissapeared from home and no thief steals three female shirts and not the laptop. And I can't find them yet. Or have frequent feelings of talking alone, even in street, and I try to stop it chewing gum to keep my mouth shout. I have some stress related to myself: I don't like myself. I don't like my productivity habits, my cleaniness routine, how I dress, etc. And the worst part is that I fear to talk with this with a direct professional for not being diagnosed with whatever I have, or worse, have a one way ticket to a ward. Also, I have a constant anxiety of being considered a "crazy" person at the street.
In fact, if this text have grammar and sentence errors, is that I want to vent in a "Pure" state and not having any correction by any tool to disclose my current mental state. When I am at work, fine, I can focused in my tasks, have a decent salary... but every time I left the office, my own struggle starts, and I use my current job as a safe space to avoid thinking on myself. And even I started to imagine how can I explain that this or that voice have a current name (One is female and one is male), and, f*ck, this is bizarre for me. How my own mind could imagine a mental disorder if from a natural perspective is to preserve itself? So isn't exactly a Hypochondria, since I don't pretend to have physical symptoms to absence from work (EVEN I like to work and I fear to lose it for disclosing my mental state), and I'm trying hard to show me as a functional member of society, and use Internet as the only space that I can openly discuss this.
What the hell is going on with me?
PD: I don't use heavy drugs or wrote this on alcohol!
As the title suggests, I want to discuss something serious to me. I called the "Meta-mental disorder" that is desiring to have a real mental disorder or even start lying about the symptoms of the common known ones (Hallucinations, paranoia, severe depression, etc.).
It is not for the purpose of fraud the health system or insurance to obtain disability benefits. It's to have a justification for my suicide. So basically have a scapegoat.
Sure, it's an offensive perspective to people (And I am asking for comprehension and my apologies for the people who are really struggling or controlling their own disorders) who really were diagnosed and having controlled the symptons via meds and therapy, but what really concerns me is why the heck I fantasy with this a lot. And if this could be actually a symptom of any real disorder, like narcissist personality, paranoia, or whatever.
I am not having any hallucinations. However, I have some ammnesiac episodes. For example, three shirts dissapeared from home and no thief steals three female shirts and not the laptop. And I can't find them yet. Or have frequent feelings of talking alone, even in street, and I try to stop it chewing gum to keep my mouth shout. I have some stress related to myself: I don't like myself. I don't like my productivity habits, my cleaniness routine, how I dress, etc. And the worst part is that I fear to talk with this with a direct professional for not being diagnosed with whatever I have, or worse, have a one way ticket to a ward. Also, I have a constant anxiety of being considered a "crazy" person at the street.
In fact, if this text have grammar and sentence errors, is that I want to vent in a "Pure" state and not having any correction by any tool to disclose my current mental state. When I am at work, fine, I can focused in my tasks, have a decent salary... but every time I left the office, my own struggle starts, and I use my current job as a safe space to avoid thinking on myself. And even I started to imagine how can I explain that this or that voice have a current name (One is female and one is male), and, f*ck, this is bizarre for me. How my own mind could imagine a mental disorder if from a natural perspective is to preserve itself? So isn't exactly a Hypochondria, since I don't pretend to have physical symptoms to absence from work (EVEN I like to work and I fear to lose it for disclosing my mental state), and I'm trying hard to show me as a functional member of society, and use Internet as the only space that I can openly discuss this.
What the hell is going on with me?
PD: I don't use heavy drugs or wrote this on alcohol!
