Mentally stuck between a rock and a hard place

[theonewhosoonisdon3]

Thinking about my life it's easy to remember not all but a lot of the horrible shit I've done and I want to die and be forgotten, whatever good I've done has not been enough to be able to remember it and I also know I've been coasting along as long as I remember too, i feel I was born with several things wrong with me and there's naturally "better" and "worse" people than me but I cant forgive myself though I try to still make myself not be the person I was, I feel like my brain was destroyed/corrupted from a young age but your choices my choices still fall on you/me. And people say you're not your thoughts words or actions you are you within reason, and within reason I can say I'm not who I was but I still have bad attributes about me im correcting and even when that's done I am still stuck with all the memories. And I don't want to live with myself. I guess that's selfish. With my personal belief anyone should theoretically be able to be redeemed but no one including me's gonna say that about a nazi or other drastic behaviors/mentalities from people who willingly harm others, and within that lining part of me feels I can never be redeemed and wishes are a waste of time but I've wished so many times I could go back in time and whoop my ass/stop myself from doing fucked up shit. But i cant. And im here. As long as I can naturally live, stuck with my own pathetic being. I think I'm letting go of aspirations to be forgotten, and I'm okay with that, most everyone has a natural social mental thing goin on as humans are social and want to be seen but I don't want to be seen. I don't even know why I'm using this to rant nothings truly anonymous on the internet but this site feels anonymous enough. I don't know I do know that im just gonna let the memory of me fade and ig I'll see what happens after I die.

 

[CandyK__]

You are still that memory, you may shape the memory you'll become. It always seems to be already too late, but if you start, or at least try to change, you will succeed. You won't become everything you wanted, but you might not be everything you despised, hell, you might even be an early draft of everything you wanted. Giving up hasn't helped anybody yet.

You won't see what happens after, there is only now.