I haven't been here since late summer/early fall. I was actually doing a bit better (previous post was "Should I Stay Or Should I Go")
My drinking and hard drug use got worse, but I was in a better place mentally and wasn't seriously contemplating CTB. I had set plans for May of last year. But I told my BF, he freaked out, so I delayed. Then in the summer, there was a bunch of drama with me, my bf and some friends over something very trivial. Those friends started to not talk to us. I considered them to be good, close friends (we're in our 40s, FYI). Feeling like I lost them brought back the thoughts. I posted things on Instagram being pretty open about how dark things were. I didn't get much support back. With the support of my BF, family, therapist, crafting and my best friend, I made it.
Fast-forward to December/January. One of the friends reached out and things were mended. Another one, we started hanging out with again. One of the others, we don't talk much but still in touch. I felt good again. I felt like we were getting past the summer drama. Until my birthday.....
I found out one of my friends made a comment back then that I should just CTB (they didn't say that exactly. They wouldn't know the term). Even in our 40s, I know rumors can be a thing, or things can be taken out of context, or said out of anger. But things haven't been good, lately. CTB wasn't at the front of my mind; I was(am?) hopeful things might get better. Now, all throughout the day, it keeps popping in my head: Maybe I should. My life sucks and isn't improving. Mostly, I hold on to hope for my BF, family and some friends. I don't have a plan, but I'm known for being impulsive. But...maybe that friend is right?
Sorry for the ramble. I needed to let this out. My BF is super busy right now and I don't feel like I can talk to him. I already feel like I burden my best friend and family. My therapist is on holidays for 2 weeks... They all know about this comment that was made, but they tell me that maybe I can't trust the source it came from. But I've been asked not to approach the person who said it (due to further drama and they'd likely deny no matter what)
Thanks for "listening "
My drinking and hard drug use got worse, but I was in a better place mentally and wasn't seriously contemplating CTB. I had set plans for May of last year. But I told my BF, he freaked out, so I delayed. Then in the summer, there was a bunch of drama with me, my bf and some friends over something very trivial. Those friends started to not talk to us. I considered them to be good, close friends (we're in our 40s, FYI). Feeling like I lost them brought back the thoughts. I posted things on Instagram being pretty open about how dark things were. I didn't get much support back. With the support of my BF, family, therapist, crafting and my best friend, I made it.
Fast-forward to December/January. One of the friends reached out and things were mended. Another one, we started hanging out with again. One of the others, we don't talk much but still in touch. I felt good again. I felt like we were getting past the summer drama. Until my birthday.....
I found out one of my friends made a comment back then that I should just CTB (they didn't say that exactly. They wouldn't know the term). Even in our 40s, I know rumors can be a thing, or things can be taken out of context, or said out of anger. But things haven't been good, lately. CTB wasn't at the front of my mind; I was(am?) hopeful things might get better. Now, all throughout the day, it keeps popping in my head: Maybe I should. My life sucks and isn't improving. Mostly, I hold on to hope for my BF, family and some friends. I don't have a plan, but I'm known for being impulsive. But...maybe that friend is right?
Sorry for the ramble. I needed to let this out. My BF is super busy right now and I don't feel like I can talk to him. I already feel like I burden my best friend and family. My therapist is on holidays for 2 weeks... They all know about this comment that was made, but they tell me that maybe I can't trust the source it came from. But I've been asked not to approach the person who said it (due to further drama and they'd likely deny no matter what)
Thanks for "listening "
